Breaking routine & feeling disappointed in myself
I woke up feeling stiff and crinkly and icky this morning. Apparently I have lost my ability to find more sophisticated vocabulary to describe my physical state as well—I hope you’ll forgive me. But “stiff and crinkly and icky” seem to be the best ways to describe how I’m feeling.
The last week and a half, I’ve awakened early with little trouble. I start my mornings with coffee on the screened-in porch while I write. When the coffee is gone, it’s time to go for a morning walk. It’s been great.
This morning, though, I just kept snoozing and snoozing. I didn’t climb out of bed until after 9:00am (a full 90 minutes after my alarm started going off—and it should be noted that my alarm is usually set a lot earlier but today I gave myself a break since I stayed up late last night). Jim had a show last night (he’s a musician) and didn’t get home until late, so he slept on the couch so I wouldn’t be interrupted when he climbed into bed. Perhaps it was because I had the bed to myself that I sprawled out completely, not worried that the very quiet alarm on my phone was waking my husband up every eight minutes. (Usually we are in the same bed and we try to limit our snoozing alarms so as not to torture the other one who’s still asleep, but when he’s in the other room I can snooze all the livelong day!)
Now I’m wondering about another migraine-related chicken or the egg conundrum. Am I stiff, crinkly-muscled, sore, and just kind of blah and icky this morning because I messed up my routine and snoozed eight trillion times instead of getting out of bed when I originally intended to? Or did some wise part of me tell myself to keep resting this morning because I was already feeling sickly?
My feeling is that it’s the former option, but I can’t discount the very likely possibility that it’s harder to rouse yourself from sleep when you might have a migraine coming on. I know all of you know that profound tiredness and lethargy that can set in even as early as the prodrome and aura stages.
So, as I type, I am on our wonderfully large back screened-in porch, looking out at the wooded lot behind our new rental house. The cat is at my feet (he’s strictly an indoor kitty who has new freedom now that he can go on the screened porch), and birds are chirping and cicadas (or whatever those loud insects high in the trees are) are buzzing. It’s really pleasant.
All that sound idyllic, but I’m distracted. I’m distracted by my lower back pain and the discomfort in my left hip/lower back area, something that’s acted up since I had surgery earlier this year. I’m distracted by my self-judgment and self-blame, the voice inside that is scolding myself for sleeping in and messing up my routine. I’m distracted by the pops and cracks whenever I move my sore neck, and I’m distracted by the full feeling in my head and am in no small way concerned that a migraine is on its way. I’m distracted by my to-do list and the fact that I didn’t plan out my schedule for the rest of the day.
All this distraction isn’t healthy and doesn’t lead to a productive or low-stress life. Good thing my mom and I are heading to a new tai chi class session today—research indicates that tai chi helps with stress management, muscle pain, posture, balance, and more. I’ll have to report back on that later.
So: what was your morning like today? When you don’t live up to your self-made expectations for how you want your day to go, how do you feel? And as far as the chicken and the egg problem goes: have you any insight for me there?
How much has your migraine disease changed or evolved over time?