The Crazy Migraine Lady Finds Her Missing Smile
Migraine has temporarily stolen my normally sunny disposition and positive outlook. Okay, to come clean, there’s been a dog pile of *stuff* that has contributed to my frowny face.
Honestly, the “why” doesn’t really matter. It never does. The only thing that matters is,
“What are ya gonna do about it girl?”
Anyone who knows me understands my nut-job brain doesn’t really think like a normal grown-up adult’s should. Somehow I missed that stage where the normal function of the brain begins to say “You shouldn’t do that, other grown-ups don’t act that way.” This has always been me, much to my children’s and their friend’s amusement.
Some of our adult friends don’t find me quite so funny. You should see them run from me when a local concert comes to town. They prefer to sit in lawn chairs and watch quietly under a tree, while I choose to spend my time standing at the front, waving my arms and dancing to the music (which is really not a pretty site), followed by hoots and hollers to let the artists know they are appreciated. When I can, I am not shy about grabbing a friend and dragging them along with me. Hence the wide eyes and disappearing faces during concert season, lol.
When I got sick, I sort of forgot to care anymore what others thought of me. If I’m gonna live on borrowed time, I’m gonna do it my way.
Lately I’ve been such a Debbie-downer, I’ve been so ashamed of myself. This is NOT ME! I haven’t been this way in decades. What is WRONG with me?!
One night last week, I was in bed. I was in terrible pain and counting my losses. I was all alone, because even my Hubs couldn’t take my tossing and turning and fell asleep on the spare bed so he’d have some peace and quiet.
It was 3am, and the clouds opened up for the second time that night. I lay there listening to the rain gently hit the roof.
Suddenly, I impulsively wanted to experience something I used to do with my kids when they were little.
I climbed out of bed, and in the complete darkness, I walked to the kitchen door and looked through the curtain.
Did I dare? Would I get caught? Did it matter?
I truly, didn’t give a rip if the neighbors came walking down the driveway that very moment.
I opened the door and stepped outside wearing nothing but a tank top and seriously unattractive underwear. I stood on the stoop a moment, gauging if the water was warm or cold, and finding it lukewarm, I tentatively took a step forward.
For a moment I cried as the water began to cover me. It almost felt like someone throwing a sheet of silk over my head, covering me as I grieved over the life I missed so dearly.
Then I took another step out, more determined and sure that I was right where I wanted to be.
“If you’re gonna do it, then do it!”
I raised my arms into the air slowly, feeling the soft rain as it hit my hands. Then I looked up and closed my eyes as it began to roll down my face, arms and legs.
For a few moments, nothing else in the world existed but me standing in the fresh, cleansing rain.
I breathed in slowly, and parted my lips, letting the rain hit my teeth and the parched, dehydrated lips that surrounded them. My kids were all grown up and moved away, and without them, I hadn’t done anything like this in years. What a shame!
While I listened to the soft sound of rain hitting tree leaves, the horses noticed me and suddenly jumped around to look at me with pricked ears. I’d startled them. I’m sure they were thinking “What the heck is wrong with her?!” I smiled because the audience of wide brown, blinking eyes just made it all the sweeter.
When my soul was washed clean, I said goodbye to the horses and trees, and stepped back inside my dark kitchen in secret. Somehow, I hadn’t been discovered by a single human being, which made me smile all the way back to the bedroom.
I got in bed, rain-soaked clothes and hair, body and all. I laid there and reveled in the feeling of the rain slowly drying on my skin and the smell of it in my hair. I’d forgotten that outdoorsey, wet smell, and how exhilarating it is to dance in the rain (even a little) when nobody was looking!
Tomorrow would be a new day full of wonderful new possibilities. It’s okay if it’s hard for me to see all the goodness around me right now. That’s just temporary.
For that moment, in the darkness, I smiled because the world was beautiful, and I was alive.
Have you done anything a little crazy, just because your soul needed you to be a little spontaneous? Surely I can’t be the only one who revels in a little foolishness…