Just another manic MIGRAINE Monday

The phone rang at 10:01 AM, according to my clock radio. Startled and surprised, I turned over in bed and reached for my cell. “D.H.,” the screen read. I wonder why he’s calling me. Hmm. A full five seconds later, my brain caught up: “Oh, sh**!” I cried. “What is it?” Jim asked, sounding worried. “This is the guy who’s supposed to be attending our meeting today—the meeting that started a minute ago!”

I hate letting people down. I hate missing deadlines, and I hate being late for meetings. Luckily, I don’t think I do this too often, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier when it does happen. I vividly recall picking up the phone one day last March, wondering why my babysitting charges’ dad was calling me. “Hey, A.!” I said cheerfully. “Hey, Janet, um…” And with that “um” I realized why he was calling. I was supposed to have arrived at his house thirty minutes before. CRAP. In that case, I was perfectly healthy and awake and alive and not at all busy—I’d just forgotten. To date, I’ve babysat hundreds of times and have been seriously late twice. Just twice. Yet I can’t let it go.

In this morning’s case, I was sick (with a stuffy-headed cold and a migraine all at once—what fun!), sleepy and totally out of it. And guess what? I felt just as guilty. This time I had a totally valid excuse—I literally can’t walk more than a couple of steps without feeling dizzy, and that combined with the fact that I’m not allowed to drive while taking Lortab means I’d have needed to skip the meeting even if I had remembered about it this morning when I first awoke at 6. But I still feel bad.

I felt my face flush red as I picked up the phone; felt embarrassed and unprofessional as I told D. that I was feeling ill. Felt ashamed and sneaky when I called and then texted and then emailed the rest of my board to tell them that I couldn’t make it to our monthly meeting.

I find it interesting that this all happened just a day after telling my sister how good I’ve gotten at saying no to people, how I can usually feel guilt- and stress-free when I tell folks I can’t make it to their party or fundraiser or what have you.

You know how at a middle school dance you’re petrified of hitting the dance floor because you simply know that everyone is staring at you, ready to point and laugh? (And no, I don’t know why I have been bringing up the school dance theme this week.) Well, I am feeling the same way right now. I feel like everyone on the board is rolling their eyes, dismissing me as unprofessional and lazy and flippant. That they think I’m a faker who is lazing the day away in bed on a rainy day. Truth be told, they probably read my email, felt bad that I was sick, and moved on, not giving me another thought. Not analyzing my “excuse” and not gossiping amongst each other about how I’ll never make it as an entrepreneur if I can’t even commit to a monthly meeting.

Sometimes I feel like I’m fourteen instead of thirty.
Thankfully, just writing this post has made me feel a lot better. So thank you, loyal computer friends.

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