Pharmacy Freak Out

Recently I found myself frustrated and discouraged, leaving the pharmacy without my refill. A health insurance change required I use a new pharmacy, so things got a bit mixed up.

I have been spoiled by pleasant experiences with pharmacies. When I was first diagnosed with migraine, I didn’t have medication coverage with my limited insurance. The pharmacist was always helpful with trying different discount cards or letting me do a partial refill. When I was feeling my worst she was calm and patient with me. I am forever grateful to her. Eventually I moved and had to find a new pharmacy. The new place was a chain but had a mom and pop feel. I always felt taken care of and never had any issues.

So when I found out I had to change to a new place I was a little nervous. I liked being able to hand pick where I go. I had to wait to fill my preventive until new insurance paperwork went through. When it did, they said they could have my preventive filled the following day. I got a voice mail saying my medication was ready, which is good because I took my last pill the night before.

But when I got to the pharmacy I found out they had filled my abortive (which I hadn’t asked for) and not my preventive. Their reasoning? They had called the doctor and she hadn’t gotten back to them. This is when I started to freak out. It was after hours so of course the doctor wouldn’t be there. As I expressed my concern for needing the medication that night, I was met with blank stares and no empathy.

Back home I burst into tears as I recounted the story to my husband. I blurted out a deluge of unspoken feelings: “I hate having to take medication. I hate that I ever needed it. I don’t want to be dependent on it!I was surprised to hear myself. I have always expressed gratitude that I found a preventive that actually helps me, as I know many who are still searching.

But there is a part of me that wants nothing to do with medication. It was only out of desperation to feel better that I finally started taking anything for my migraines. It’s a way I felt about having to wear glasses when I was a girl. I would have these silly daydreams of some calamity occurring leaving me without my glasses, blurry-eyed and lost. Even sillier, I felt this way about having to wear a bra once I needed one (and believe me, I need one!).

I’d love to not need assistance from anything to function. But when I think about it, that’s kind of ridiculous, especially for small things like glasses or medication. What’s next—that I’ll be unhappy I depend on eating, or breathing? But I can’t help the feeling, as irrational as it may be.

Suffice it to say I got my medication the next day. But separate from that issue I realized how uncomfortable I am with the feeling that I depend on things like medications, doctors, and pharmacies to be well. And deeper than that is the fear of going back to being chronic, and not being able to function even with medications to help me.

Does anyone else feel this way?


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