A different path

I will never forget the day I gave up hope. I’d been stubbornly clinging to the possibility that a surgical procedure would finally eradicate migraine for good. I was finished being “the girl with headaches.” I had paid my dues. Now it was time to move on. My plan was working perfectly, except for one small detail. The doctor said I wasn’t a good candidate. There would be no miracle cure, no escape from a life of migraine.

That was it. I didn’t want to “manage” my disease anymore.

I was D.O.N.E. and I wanted it G.O.N.E.

If I couldn’t get rid of migraine, I was finished. I’d spent my entire life trying to work around the pain. It was time to find the exit. I spent the better part of two weeks trying to find a way to end my life with the least amount of damage to my family.  Eventually, I was able to break free and rediscover hope. Most of you are familiar with that part of the story.

My attitude about Migraine is what started my problem in the first place.

I wasn’t about to make peace with migraine or embrace my migraine identity. I’d spent a lifetime trying convince myself and others that I could defeat migraine. I refused to accept that migraine had any impact on my life despite all the evidence to the contrary. I hated migraine. It was getting in the way of my plans and I wanted it destroyed. It is precisely this attitude that led to me almost ending my life. I reasoned that if I couldn’t beat it any other way, a self-destruct sequence was the answer.

Then I changed my attitude.

I decided to integrate migraine into my life and accept its place as part of my identity. I became my migraine. It wasn’t out of a subconscious desire to be ill. On the contrary, it was a conscious choice to choose life. If I couldn’t destroy migraine and I chose not to die, integration was the only other acceptable option. I might not ever be physically healthy again, but I didn’t have to be a miserable sick person.

There was an alternative.

I realize that my choice isn’t for everyone. We’re all at different places on our journey with migraine. Some of us take paths that no one else would ever consider. That’s okay. I just want you to know that this path is an option.


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