Not Feeling Like Myself

Every time I go to the theatre, people always end up looking at me. As an actor, I am thrilled when patrons do this. They’ll pay attention, and laugh at my jokes and, hopefully, emotionally connect to my character. I put my heart and soul into my performances; allowing myself to become an open book for which the watcher can relate. That is one of the many aspects of good performances.

Usually, however, it’s when I’m on stage that people look and laugh, not when I’m in the audience and super not in the show.

I have a loud laugh

To my knowledge, it is something that I’ve always had. It’s loud, supported, and hearty, and people have come to recognize it. I went to a show last weekend at my old college. Is that what people call it? I’m an alumnus of my past college? Anyway, so I was watching a show; supporting my friends in their play when an especially funny line caught me by surprise. “Jenny is going to be great. At SEX.”


The room was silent. I felt bad for a second; did I really have to disrupt the show like that? Am I that much of a presence? Looking back on that moment now, it brought me back to those times when I wasn’t feeling like myself and maybe why I take pride in having an outstanding laugh. Why I am so unabashedly myself because there are too many times where I’m feeling like I’m not?

I hate getting migraines

Yeah, no duh right? Like, of course, I hate when my head is pounding and every thought feels like an internal mind-tornado. It’s here in this space that I feel most alone. An aura will begin and I’ll lose vision as if my brain is warning me.

“Here comes some pain buddy”

I’ll shut down most things that I’m doing; take my rescue meds, turn off the lights, and do my best to try to fall asleep as my skull drummer keeps a pulsating beat. I hate not being able to laugh or enjoy my day. I hate being out of commission. Life is too short not to enjoy it and it’s a migraine attack that really shows me this. When I’m recuperating or trying to sleep off a migraine; I’m just praying to anybody who will listen to take it away. It’s in those moments that I want nothing more than to be okay and be able to laugh again.

This is one of many reasons why I am not afraid to laugh

We all know how debilitating migraines can be; so, we almost have more of an understanding than most, about how sweet life is when you don’t have one. Like, how much of a blessing it is to be able to walk freely and be able to enjoy yourself. It’s almost inevitable to appreciate life when you’ve lived through suffering. I can only hope that more people will embrace that mentality so that we may all laugh as loudly as we can.

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