Fear of Living
So, one of the hardest things that have ever happened to me, happened recently. My partner and closest friend of nearly seven years, and official caretaker for most of those years, came home and said ‘I am leaving.’ Among many of the reasons cited were that they needed to focus on themselves.
As someone living with chronic pain, as someone requiring a lot of focus and attention, and as someone who quite frankly depended on this person for a lot day-to-day, I knew this to be true. The sacrifices they made over the years to care for me came at a great price, and while I was devastated, I knew all too well that this was something that could happen, I just didn’t really think it would happen to me.
The loss of a partner
I’d read about others in the community experiencing this kind of loss, and I knew previously what it was like to drift away from friends due to not being able to ‘keep up,’ due to being reclusive, and due to canceling on commitments, but I never knew the pain of losing an intimate partner and caretaker.
Navigating migraine alone
Going through deep loss along with experiencing migraine has been life-altering. I have had to navigate situations alone that have felt impossible. The pain all compounded has left me in bed for days, seemingly without a sliver of light ahead. I was unable to get up to eat for days, due to depression and migraine. I couldn't get medication, due to depression and migraine. I began to feel dizzy all the time.
There were truly scary moments that I had to push through.
Afraid of doing it alone
One of the most consuming aspects of what I’ve been experiencing is a deep-seated fear. I am realizing that there are many accommodations that I have been privileged to experience every single day that suddenly are no longer within reach. Without warning and time to prepare, I am navigating questions about traveling, eating, medications, working, transportation, and comfort and with each of these considerations, I find myself returning to one thought: I am scared.
Gaining independence and strength
The fear that I am experiencing is real and valid. There are consequences, for someone with the amount of health issues I have, that are from imagining navigating them alone. I will need to be a lot more careful with how I navigate almost everything that I do. After a few days of contemplating this new shift in my life, however, I am beginning to see that it is possible to become stronger and more independent. I have to. I have hope that I will be able to find strength in power through this situation,
I am not alone with migraine
My most dependable pillar has fallen, but I am realizing that I am still not alone. My friends and family have been nothing but supportive of us both. I have an awesome community of folks here at Migraine.com with whom to share and learn from, and I have wonderful memories to hold onto. I know I may have to reach out more to my network going forward. I also know that in some ways, I will have to just do things on my own. I am actually excited about learning, but the fear is still very present and is something I have to acknowledge and push forward with each and every moment.
Moving forward with migraine
When my caretaker told me they had to leave, I was crushed and did not know what life would look like going forward. I felt a lot of negative emotions, but upon reflecting, I realized we both deserve to grow and have happy and fulfilled lives as best we can. For them, this meant taking back a lot of their time and energy. I want that for them, and am not bitter. The love I shared with this person runs deep, and their happiness means a lot to me. I would not want someone to develop resentment over time after spending a life with me that they did not feel happy with. I have hope for the future for us both. Living with migraine will mean something completely new, and I am excited to share this new journey with all of you.
Have you had a loved one leave you or ask for space away from caring for you? How did you cope? How did you life change? Let’s discuss in the comments!
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