cudagirl23
"Well, this is one of those "not good" days; I'd say it was a bad day, though my son played well most of the day by himself and I was able to make a health lunch and dinner for both of us (dinner for hubby too). Other than that, I feel like I'm spaced-out, unfocused, in la la land, sleepy but can't sleep, puttzing around the house, started washing the dishes but didn't finish, folded laundry but left the socks in the bin; silly stuff, but sometimes I let it bother me, mostly I just try to accept what is and that there are days I just can't concentrate and finish. Right now, I am just thinking of who I might be able to get to watch my son tomorrow, if this doesn't go away. The wind sounds nasty outside, blowin' around, gusts slamming into the side of the house. Sensitivity to light, sound and smell - try to get a 3 year old to talk quietly? LOL. I think he just sees it in my eyes and knows, today is a day to tip toe. While making dinner tonight I had a craving for Kraft dinner - dairy doesn't agree with me, but it just tasted so good, I can't remember the last time I even had Kraft dinner. And it will probably be a very long time before I have it ever again. But sometimes I get the wierdest cravings some times."
"This is my first blog I've ever put out there unless you count facebook and one sentence update status. I have suffered migraines since my early teens. It was my mother who first recognized the signs, as she has also suffered since her teens. She used to remind me over and over, not to let the migraine get full strength before taking medication - I learned quickly that if I didn't take the medication at the first sign of an attack, I was in it for the long haul. PAIN, nausea and lots of time to think and not do much. That was high school and college for me. I remember saying to my mother on a really bad day - that it would be easier to have given birth, at least I'd get a baby out of the deal and my body would recover. This pain for no real good reason was unfair, unjust. Why me?
I managed to get my first "real" job after graduating college in business. It was there in my early twenties when I was able to start recognizing triggers, like painting the office stairwell (which I literally sat beside) in OIL-based paint on the weekend in winter, no opening the windows during office hours and at the same time reno the back boardroom (down the hallway from my desk) by removing the carpet and staining real wood floors. Oh the smells! To say the least it made me sick for 3 days and when I came back into work my boss wanted to get rid of me for missing most of a week! I never missed that much in a week ever for the 10 months I had worked there. But this was only the beginning for me with challenges of work, social and family activities that migraines would consume my life, my career and I would eventually lose myself - why am I here? what purpose could I possibly have when I can't work, can't do anything? This was into my late twenties when I continued to try the latest medications, treatments of every kind.
Married in my mid-twenties; then gave birth to my son four years ago (in March); now here I am about to turn 35 years old tomorrow. I have been unable to work full time for approximately 8 years now; it became apparent that even after my son was born I still didn't have a handle on my migraines. Sure I know most of my triggers and avoid what I can, but it has become apparent to me that the constant change in weather temperature, storms and barometric pressure that seems to affect me the most. And there is no real help with that. Pain has become my middle name. My son is very sensitive, active, energetic and curious, he reminds me of me sometimes which has led to think of my worst fears, such as, will he inherit my migraines too?
My husband has been very supportive throughout my ever ongoing struggles with migraine pain and depression. I was diagnosed two years ago with depression. The medications I have been using for (too long) my migraines no longer work as much as they did four years ago. And there hasn't been anything new out there - so far - that has come close to helping the pain and allowing me to keep going with my day.
I lost who I was/am, who am I? The depression and migraines run my life so much so, that I don't even know who I am anymore or what I even like! I do know this: I am a mother, who stays at home to care for her son. At least that much I have done, I suppose some new mothers might go through something similar with self identity issues; I found I was angry with a lot of people and I was always looking to the past instead of my present. But there are even some days we have to call a sitter to watch my son, because I am so bad I can bearly get out of bed. At the present time we have a list of family and friends who we can call when those impossible days come and worse case scenerio my hubby will take a sick day or personal day whatever they are calling it these days to stay home and watch our son. I am so blessed to have him in my life, as is our son, he brings us great joy and frustration sometimes, he is stubborn after all like his mommy and daddy. But we are a family the three of us and we're making it work.
I'd love to continue to type/write more on this new blog of mine, and maybe after a rest I will feel like typing some more. My severity today is at 8-9 for me. All I can do is wrap my cold gel pack around my head, remember to eat something and to take meds through the day and look forward to this evening, when my hubby walks through our side door with our son, and I hear, "Mommy I'm home!" Today, this day every week I usually run errands or rest like I did today if I haven't been well, as my son goes every week to his great-grandparents for the day. How lucky I am that my hubby's grandparents moved back into the city and just love seeing our son. Our son, loves them just as much. We have lots of family in our lives and I'm blessed to have them looking out for my son. As for me, I take one day at a time and one thing at a time. Hoping one day to have some kind of "normalcy" with my life, maybe even be able to back to work eventually, or find a home business that works for us. There is no plan right now, except our son, us as a family and we go out and do things together whenever we can - and I feel up to it.
I feel most of my life I was misunderstood, and that will be in my next post. My dream is to help others who don't suffer migraines to have some kind of understanding of what those of us who do suffer, have and do go through, that maybe instead of calling us "lazy" or she doesn't look sick to me. - have new meaning and worth.
I also just really wanted to connect with people, other suffers, suggestions and the latest news on migraines and improving our quality of life so we can be there for our family and friends and be the good example of what can be. Now I realize I'm getting carried away, I'm going to stop typing now."