Many years ago I read a book series by Frank E. Peretti, This Present Darkness; I believe is the first of the series. In it the author describes demons as invisible and they attack and sometimes even attach themselves to people. It was such an understandable symbolism. I sometimes feel like I can see the same in my everyday life. Such as a man walking by with an angry expression, kicking things out of his way and yelling at people he passes… has a demon on his back, leaning into his ear muttering away with hatred. Another has fear going along beside him making trip over what seems like nothing, poking and prodding until the man fears everything.
I can imagine such happening.
BUT THAT’S NOT MY PURPOSE in writing today. I want to talk about MY monster – my demon if you will. He is PAIN.
He is an ugly beast, fowl of breath with long jagged claws crusted in blood, and gore, my blood and gore. He sits now in the back of my head in a cage of my own making. He does not sit quietly. He throws himself against the bars testing their strength. The pounding of his efforts echoes through my head. Eventually he tires and I get some peace for a while. Then he suddenly, slams into the side of the cage bending, cracking the bars. I feel like I have been hit with a 2×4 plank of wood right the forehead. I stumble, dazed. My spatial awareness is off and I bump into the frame as I pass through the doorway. Just as I start to recover he chuckles and reaches out with a claw and scores a painful gash through my brain. I cringe in pain. He rejoices.
He reaches out a meaty fist and grabs a handful of brain tissue and squeezes. After the initial pain is reduced to a dull roar, I am left slurring my words, stuttering or using saying one word when I meant another. He enjoys this immensely. But eventually he will tire of such mundane acts; he needs pain, my pain.
So he breaks his cage and stealthily moves from inside my head to riding my back. He keeps his balance by wrapping one large hand up, it covers my head. He grips my head tightly. The pressure is so intense I cannot think clearly, my thoughts are foggy. While entertaining to him this doesn’t give him what he desires. So he reaches with the other hand and sticks his vile claw into my stomach – if the pain isn’t enough he stirs bringing me to my knees in nausea. Giggling like a small child this satisfies him for a few moments. So he does it over and over ….
I can no longer work, I go home and take meds and lay down hoping to drug him in the process so I can force him back to his cage. But I am so weakened.
Eventually, the meds stop the nausea, and He is mad I have tried to ignore him, and livid that I have tried to drug him. So he goes on a fully fledged fit throwing tantrum. He shrinks and jumps his whole body into my head so that he can really go to work. Meaty fists begin tearing chunks of brain loose. Blood streams, chunks of gore floating through it. I collapse crying and holding my head I cannot stand any light or sound. He feels the meds in my system affect him, He goes on a rampage. He runs her and there, tearing, gouging, punching, kicking, biting. Not one speck of my brain is left untouched. The pain is so intense I shut down. Eventually the lack of response on my part coupled with the effects of the meds and he slows, tires, and eventually lays himself down for a rest. As I wake and discover his lethargy. I can feel the weight o him in my head. So I mentally start rebuilding the cage so that it will contain him for a while.
The effects of his rampage will remain. For days I am slower to think, some speech is difficult, my spatial awareness is off, and most detrimental… memories are lost.
And when he wakes…. He reaches a claw out and pokes my brain – just a small pain to let me know He is still there, waiting…..
I have suffered from Migraines since about the age of 10. As an adult I live with some form of migraine almost daily. It is much easier to tell you how often I have a totally migraine free day than how many migraines I have. Also as an adult I have developed fibromyalgia. (So my demon has much more pain to play with.) But for this writing I focused on migraine.
I have been diagnosed with many migraine types. I won’t bore you with the details on the different types of migraines but they can range from non pain symptoms like aphasia (speech impairment) and nausea. There is one that causes me to black out, and the effects terrifying, with facial numbness and memory loss, it can lead to migraine seizures and migraine stroke. So a migraine is much more than a headache.
IF you have migraine, or any other Invisible disease, I fully sympathize. May God bless you as richly as you have been challenged. If you don’t – You are so blessed I hope you know it. And please realize how debilitating invisible illness can be. Be a help – give love and support to those who suffer. Often they fear asking because they don’t want to be judged, because they don’t LOOK sick.