Please plan my wedding (or let me elope)

Here’s another thing that is completely incompatible with chronic migraine: wedding planning.

I’m in my late thirties and engaged for the first time. I manage to hold down a full time job, despite having a migraine pretty much every single day of my life. I have a fiance who is wonderfully understanding and sympathetic of my condition, the horrifying number of medications I take, the botox injections, the nerve blocks, the alternative diets, the ear plugs I wear during movies, the sunglasses I wear even indoors, the sensitivity to smells to the point where I dictate what kind of deodorant he wears, and finally the tears that come (often) when I reach the point of despair.


Planning a wedding is headache-inducing even for non-migraineurs. For me, it’s agonizing, and my migraines (and digestive issues, and anxiety, and other issues) have increased tenfold. If I have to endure months and months of this, it will be the end of me. My attempts to make the process less stressful are thwarted by family members whose big-wedding-expectations are completely out of touch with reality–my reality, the reality of chronic pain and illness, however invisible–and I’m caught between feeling justified and feeling like the poorest excuse for a human being that ever was because I’m JUST NOT UP TO THIS. And what should be a happy and fun time is turning into anything but.

Life changes, even good ones, are toxic to this migraine brain of mine. I hope I can get to a place where I feel somewhat back in control of things, some place of normalcy and routine that my body and brain crave. The sooner I get there, the better. I only hope I don’t alienate any family members along the way. And I hope I can show myself the same acceptance and forgiveness I look for from others.

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Comments

View Comments (5)
  • YaYa
    5 years ago

    Gina, Katie has given a number of great suggestions. If none of them work….many times people tend to give their 2 cents worth but not willing to help…. Hire a wedding planner. I know it’s costly, but the benefits to your health just might be worth it. The planner may be able to find places in your budget to cut back in order to pay her fee. Or maybe you should just elope! Then have a party to celebrate later. Good luck to you and remember, ultimately it’s about the love you share with your fiancée and the life you plan to build together. Wishing you a life of love and happiness!

  • GinaD author
    5 years ago

    Thank you! I’m trying to stay positive and remember that the outcome is what counts.

  • Katie M. Golden moderator
    5 years ago

    Gina,
    I’m so sorry that this happy time isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. What is supposed to be a day all about the bride and groom can easily get hijacked by family and friends.

    Do you feel comfortable sending out an email to those involved to lay down some ground rules? It can be very generic as to not offend anyone or any previous behavior. I’m sure they are all aware of your health issues. Explain how the stress of the situation is exacerbating your Migraines. You need their support to get through this.

    Maybe giving people specific tasks will help you and help them to feel included (and only focus on that aspect of the wedding and not meddle in other areas). Like give a sibling the job of researching a band or DJ. Let a grandparent help with picking out invitations.

    It’s ok to ask for help and it’s ok to set boundaries.This is about the love between you and your fiance. Trust me, you don’t want to look back on all of this and have horrible memories. You want the start of your life together to be filled with amazing love and support.

    This is just my two cents. I wish you all the happiness!

  • GinaD author
    5 years ago

    Katie, thank you so much for the good advice. Since my original post I’ve make some progress in planning and am trying not to stress too much over all the decisions. And I think your advice to assign specific tasks to people is a winner. I’ve also been thinking this is a good time to start meditation again, and exercising, things that would make me feel better overall, but I still feel so overwhelmed and lacking in energy. But I’ll get there. Thanks again!

  • Katie M. Golden moderator
    5 years ago

    Gina,
    So glad you’re making progress. Meditation and exercise is a great idea during this stressful time. It’s so hard when you don’t have the energy, but it can also give you more energy. I hope you have the best wedding day!!

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