When will my life begin?

As a 40 year old wife and mother of three children, I have yet to live my life. I somehow made it through college and graduate school, but it is not living.

My first migraine was in 6th grade. Back then, they were intermittent. They would wake me up. The pain would be so severe, I would throw up. My Dad would sit with me in the bathroom until I could throw up no more, and then basically pass out from exhaustion. Of course my parents took me to every headache specialist under the sun. They really tried to help me.

Fast forward to today. From when my eyes open in the morning, to when I close them at night, I am in severe pain. I live at an 8 out of a 0-10 scale that we are all familiar with. I am able to work part time, care for my amazing family, and try to be the best person I can. Unfortunately, I am exhausted from the amount of pain I suffer from. I get very moody, miss important events, and it goes on and on. The worst part for me, is that I am 40 years old, and even though I have been on this earth for 40 years, I have not lived them. I am very good at faking my smiles, laughs, and conversations. I am nauseated a lot, and just want to lie in a dark room. Depressed? Of course, who would not be. I try to be optimistic that I will find something that will help me, that will help my family. I do feel for them. I am sure their quality of life has been altered due to my "illness." When my husband proposed, I did have migraines, but they are so much worse now. I wish I could be the wife he deserves. For my children, the mother they deserve.

I have tried almost everything. Nothing is working yet. I know that my life will start one day. Until then, I will try to do my best to get out of bed and fake it for me and for the people I love.

To my children and husband, I am so sorry I cry sometimes because I am frustrated, sick or sad. This pain is not something I can explain, even though I try. I love you with all of my heart. Please be patient with me. I know it is not always easy.

Received my first treatment of Botox three weeks ago, nothing yet. I was optimistic about Botox. I will try it one more time. After tons of medications over the years, my next try will be to eliminate gluten. I will never give up!!