How do you deal with feeling completely and utterly alone with your migraines, especially when the suicidal thoughts start creeping in? I’m not completely suicidal yet – but I do wonder, and often, how many more ‘bad migraine cycles’ I can take, especially as with each one, I watch my husband moving further and further away from me emotionally.
He has always been the one person that I’ve relied on to understand what I’m going through, to offer support, a shoulder to cry on – or pick me up (literally, not emotionally) when I haven’t been able to find my own way home. Tonight? He practically accused me of having attacks on purpose, of being ill at always the same time he was, and ‘it always being about me’. Now I know that the burden of migraine is a heavy one to bear when it’s not even yours to bear, and he has no choice in this – but this hurts. Given the nature of my attacks, I’ve been accused of faking in the past and he’s always stood by me.
Even more recently, I’ve been battling with ever increasing signs of depression, which I know he’s found hard to handle, but instead of comforting me, or talking to me about it or being there for me – I’ve found his reaction to be one of resentment?!
Why do I always have to be so strong and healthy, never allowed to be sick or unhappy, have migraines or have depression? But it’s OK for me to be there for him when he’s sick, had a bad day, has anger/emotional issues or even bouts of depression – but I don’t in any way resent him for it?
Why is this a one-way street? I’m just left feeling so confused and alone – he is my whole world (we don’t have a whole load of friends and is it as far as a support system goes in terms of migraine). It’s hard to be locked in a pain fuelled world with suicidal world when the one person you thought you could count on is telling you that your putting it on, that you aren’t there for him, that you aren’t being strong enough, that you let everyone down and that you’re being unfair to him…