I feel ashamed just typing out the word suicidal. I’ve had migraines for over 2 decades, I’m 23. I can’t work. It is fall now, my migraine season, so now the house is trashed because I can’t even do simple housework. If my head is behaving for a few hours out of the entire week, I don’t even feel like cleaning anymore. Its not due to laziness. It’s due to hopelessness.
I don’t see my headache specialist anymore because I’ve been on almost everything but Botox. Yes, that one medicine that has worked really well for your friend, I have tried and it didn’t work. And no, I don’t want to hear about how after you got knocked up your migraines magically went away. I don’t want to try another medicine and have horrible side effects and pay out the @$$ for it since health insurance is nothing but a joke. I don’t want to go to my doctor and listen to him tell me “Well, I can’t control the weather.” I’ve been to the best neurologists in the state, I have. They’re pushy, don’t listen to you telling them you can’t handle the dose and don’t care. I’ve been trying MY WHOLE LIFE to get better but I can’t. I have no life. No ambitions. I make nothing of myself because all I am is some pale girl that stays at home her whole life because too much excitement like going to the grocery store can make her body become a sack of potatoes due to migraine. I feel ashamed. I feel useless. And I don’t know what to do. Its a never ending cycle. I want to be good enough to have a life, a career, an education. But I don’t see it ever happening. I’ve failed at so much in my life, I’m scared. I’m so scared that I’ll always be like this. I’m scared to wake up in the morning and feel the pain, the dizziness, the weakness on the left side. I just recently got married, this should be the happiest time in my life, my peak. But I feel so low.
I’m sorry, I feel like a whiny girl but I felt that I had to get something out right away or else the dark thoughts would consume me and I’d do something stupid. I wish I didn’t have people that loved me so much so I wouldn’t have a reason to be here anymore. I know that sounds horrible or ungrateful but its the truth.