Hi. I had a 4 day migraine last week and really needed to come someplace where people would understand the loneliness, the terrible desolation, of being unable to speak, listen, read,communicate in any way with the outside world AT ALL for hours and days on end.
My husband understands pain, having horrible health problems of his own over the years, but they’ve been in his leg and body. He can talk, read, shout, watch movies, blast music in his ears to distract from that. Go the beach or pool even! But migraines? Locked in my own skull. Alone. Just me and the agony. He says he’d go nuts. Understands the strength of will and mental fortitude it takes to emerge from 4 days of being alone with my mind. And how mean are we to ourselves! How we love to reproach ourselves for past mistakes, perceived failings, what we could have, should have done.
But he doesn’t really get it. Pressures me to do more than I can handle because he wants easy company to the beach (a friend he’d have to make an effort with -I’m the sociable one), complains our lives are boring, but boring is what my hyper-reactive brain can process, or it whips me.
4 days of trying desperately not to think, because thinking hurts so damn much, meditating the thoughts away – let them float like clouds across the soft blue of my mind’s sky and drift away,(that’s effective sometimes, you’ll never empty your mind, but you don’t have to pay attention to upsetting thoughts), inventing soppy fantasy stories with me as the heroine, and really wishing I could sit up have a nice cup of tea.
It only gets this bad once a month or so. I usually catch them them with my triptan, Rizalt. But even then, if the 3-4 day ones are an 8 on the pain scale (10 being shoot me now), the Rizalt only lowers them to a 3. Rarely stops them. Its still a day in a dark room, alone no book, no noise, twice a week. And I have to force myself to take a 2 hour lie down daily. No matter what. Or migraine. Not as fun as it sounds. Boring. Boring. Boring. Just lie there. Alone. No light, book, or noise. Or migraine.
I take Topamax as a preventative, and my migraines went from untreatable to what they are now. My neuro is satisfied. Says its a good outcome for lighting fast, chronic migraine attacks like mine were. He is right. They were 24/7 horrendous. But it is SO LONELY up here in my head.
Any one else fed up with themselves for boring company?
Wow, I really needed to vent! Thanks for reading!
Hope every one is having a good brain day!