How Loved Ones Can Help

By Holly Harding

June 17, 2020

If and when we are blessed with a support system that wants to assist us in our migraine journey, those wonderful people might need guidance as to the best way to lend a hand.

Don't ask, just do

In the following video, Holly invites you to share things that loved ones can say or do to best support and assist you in your life with migraine. She shares the strategies that help her the most including friends and family members insisting upon (rather than asking permission for) helping out with the logistics of life, like errands, walking the dog, and cleaning the house.

In the comment section below, please share the ways that others have helped you or that you’d most like to be supported by loved ones as you navigate life with migraine.

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This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The Migraine.com team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Join the conversation

katetyndall
June 25, 2020
I don't ask. But if I had to come up with a solution to asking for help, I like what you have proposed, Holly. When I'm in pain with chronic migraine, I have no bandwidth at all to deal with anything beyond the pain, so having a friend just take the bull by the horns and bring over a meal, or pick up groceries, would be lovely. It would certainly spare my husband, who does all the heavy lifting when I'm out with migraine. Honestly, after 47 years of migraines, there are only about a half dozen people who even know I have migraines, and fewer than that who realize the extent of them. I know I have always hated to ask for help, and for the majority of my migraine journey, my migraines were episodic, and I was able to handle them. Early on, episodes didn't come as often as they did later, and luckily the increase in my headaches came in the early 90s, when triptans became available. They were an remain my best migraine Rx. The biggest PITA for the latter part of my episodic journey was dealing with insurance restrictions. I became really good at. I only wish that were a marketable skill! It's only been in the past 11 years that my migraines have been chronic. And what a bitch that has been. My lovely husband is the person who has been tasked with doing things like cooking, picking up groceries, and cleaning when I am down for the count. And he does it with love and without complaint. Believe me, I know how very lucky I am. I wish I could clone him for the migraine community!
1. Holly Harding Moderator
 June 25, 2020
 hi katetyndall- great to hear from you as always. I must say, your skill of dealing with insurance restrictions might not be one that is hirable, but it's one that is VERY helpful. I know many in our community that could use guidance on this front. If you're up for it, you might offer your knowledge base on our site by telling your story on our stories page <a href='https://migraine.com/stories/' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer nofollow'>https://migraine.com/stories/</a> or on our Q&A page with a title like "Need help with insurance?" or "My earned experience with navigating insurance companies" - It would be a shame for your experience to go to waste, and many could likely benefit from what you've learned. No pressure- but it's a thought to consider: <a href='https://migraine.com/q-and-a/' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer nofollow'>https://migraine.com/q-and-a/</a>. Isn't it odd how few people in our real lives know or understand our struggle with migraine. Wonderful that you've got such a helpful spouse helping you on your journey. I wish you could clone him too! Please stay in touch- Holly (migraine.com team).
filbetter
June 25, 2020
Agree, but even for spouses. Don't ask if can do lots of little things, just do them. Just responding hurts.
1. Holly Harding Moderator
 June 25, 2020
 filbetter- Thanks so much for chiming in. Yes! No matter the person, no matter their role in our lives, the insistence on assistance can be so very key. - Holly (migraine.com team).
billymilliken
June 26, 2020
I like the idea of insisting the help. The idea of making decisions at my worst isn't a good feeling. My brain gets confused easily with even a simple question-would you like a drink? It may as well be how do we feed the homeless! Knowing when to be left alone, given peace and quiet, that's a great help. It's difficult for my sons to remember this and even more for them so this, feel a bad person for even asking them to be quiet.
1. pinkwheels
 June 28, 2020
 When I was 8 years old, my cousin Joshua was born. My aunt had a picture of a baby that had paint top lids for eyes ( so the eyes on the picture could open and close). When Joshua was napping she would close the eyes on the picture and everyone knew that this was their cue to be quiet. When he woke up, she would open the eyes on the picture. And we would know that normal noise level was okay. This was especially helpful since I am dyslexic. So, a printed sign would have been difficult to deal with. Also, my younger brother was in preschool so he wasn’t ready for a printed “ baby napping” sign either. The picture was placed so anyone coming in the front door would see it. I wonder if something similar might help your kids know when they need to keep the noise down. Just a thought.
2. Holly Harding Moderator
 June 28, 2020
 I love this idea, pinkwheels! Thanks so much for sharing the strategy with the rest of us. - Holly (migraine.com team)
pinkwheels
June 28, 2020
What to say: the single most helpful thing my dad says is “ it’s that way, right now ( meaning yes you’re in pain or have other symptoms right now but it won’t always be that way. What not to say: please don’t ask if I still get migraines because it feels like you’re asking me to lie. Believe me, if they suddenly vanish, you’ll know. I’ll probably hire a skywriting plane to announce it. Until then, don’t ask that question in that form. As far as doing stuff: besides the practical stuff people mentioned already. I am much more sensitive to light than to sound during a migraine. So i use audiobooks as a distraction. So, one of the most helpful things my family does is read outloud but on the quieter side, to me. They usually use a book light and I use a sleep mask or have the blanket over my head. I also use descriptive audio movies. So, please don’t ask “ how can you be watching this movie if you’re not even facing the television?” I’m not facing it because of the light from the tv but as long as I am in the same room as the television, it’s a fair bet that I am watching it with the audio track that is designed for blind and visually impaired people.
1. Holly Harding Moderator
 June 28, 2020
 pinkwheels- thanks so much for chiming in and sharing these ideas. I love the idea of being read to. I've never been able to find someone to do that for me, but it sounds dreamy. I'm also on board completely with the *not* watching /watching tv for distraction. I've seen many in our community sharing the same strategy. It's just so important that we somehow get out of our heads while in such pain, that any way we can picture another world is very helpful. Like you, I use a sleep mask while the tv is on and just follow along with my imagination. Feeling attacked by our friends and family members through a series of questions that put us on the defense is exhausting and also unfortunately common. Those questions are borne out of ignorance and a belief that migraine is a simple headache and not a complex neurological condition. It is challenging and tiring not only having migraine, but also helping to increase awareness about it! Thanks again for sharing your experiences here. So glad you're a part of our community. Hope you'll stay in touch. - Holly (migraine.com team).
glassmind
June 28, 2020
Yes! Often when my family asks "How can I help?" I say, just decide for me. I struggle to think, to talk, to understand during a migraine. Even if what the person tries misses the mark, I am grateful that they cared and tried. "Just Do" Exactly. Thank for sharing. Hugs
glassmind
June 28, 2020
P.S. Also, sometimes, all that can be done has been done. Just acknowledge me, sit in the dark with me, check in on me occasionally. Sometimes, doing nothing with me is helpful.
1. Holly Harding Moderator
 June 28, 2020
 glassmind- beautifully put. I do think there's really something to be said about the importance of being together. just being. I love the idea of being read to. Even someone just sitting quietly with me in the dark. Witnessing. To take the sting out of being alone with the pain. Thinking of you, Holly (migraine.com team).
john1381
July 1, 2020
I concur with the brain fog and also trying to do things myself as I feel so guilty as Holly mentioned about asking others to do something. It is so hard to think straight with the many facets of migraine all colliding at once. I often say out loud in the early stages of a nasty attack 'I can just do, I can't think'. Even though my wife is the most understanding and compassionate person she will often ask what I want (which I really do appreciate) but I can't respond as a question feels like someone is shaking my brain and lifting me upside down by the ankles. However I am fortunate to have her support and she will administer Diclofenac and Stematil injections when I have thrown all my other meds up and I am in real migraine trouble, she hates needles but still does it. I liked glassmind's comment that all that can be done has been just acknowledge and check in occasionally. Thanks for sharing Holly, John.
1. john1381
 July 2, 2020
 Thanks Holly, Your compassion shines in your writing, thanks for caring for us. I hope you are as gentle with yourself as you are to us. You definitely heal with words. Thanks for the encourage, I always feel a bit anxious writing in case I say something a bit clunky, but it really helps to share. Warmest regards, John.
2. Holly Harding Moderator
 July 3, 2020
 John- Share away! We are here to listen and learn from one another- that's the whole point of this place. And as to the fear of being clunky- join the clunky club! Come on in, the water's fine! So glad you're with us - and thanks so much for the kind words - you made my day. - Holly (migraine.com team).

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