Fear of Sharing How I Feel
Every month I write many essays and blog posts about living with migraine disease. At the end of each month, I pick six of the posts that I think will resonate most with Migraine.com readers. Sometimes I post provocative things, other times I simply vent. Sometimes I focus on a particular trigger or remedy, and sometimes I just let people into my personal life to show a little bit about what it’s like for me to ride this migraine roller coaster.
Most of the time, sharing my thoughts with readers feels freeing and validating. Even when people respectfully disagree with what I have to say, I usually feel as if we are having a meaningful dialogue, a great conversation in the most egalitarian sense of the world.
But tonight I feel different. I feel scared, and lonely, and afraid to share anything at all with the thousands of people who might stumble upon these words.
You see, I got such hurtful comments on my last Migraine.com post that I am afraid to submit my blogs for this month. I tried to be honest with the way it feels sometimes to date a fellow migraineur, and some readers were supportive. Others reacted hatefully and are rooting for Jim to leave me. These are people who don’t see how much we love each other, how much we care for each other even when we’re tired and frenzied and can barely take care of ourselves. I was accused of not being a “real” migraine sufferer (whatever that means), which is unbelievably painful to experience.
Now I feel frozen, afraid to share my writing again. I love the social nature of blogging, but right now I'm at a standstill with only a few hours before deadline. Which of my blogs should I edit & share this month? Which ones should I keep hidden for fear of readers’ feedback?
Those of you who know me know how much I love Jim and how much I struggle every day with my migraine disease. Why does it matter what others, others I've never met and never will meet, have to say? Why do I care so much about whether they have any concept of what my relationship is like and how much J. & I love each other? Why do I compose response after response only to delete each one for fear of the reactions it will provoke? Do I just ignore the entire episode?
Blog post after blog post, I put my heart on my sleeve. This time around I shared something unflattering and true about myself, something I am seeking advice on, only to be received in a wholly unsympathetic way. And now I feel timid and sad and quite unlike my Migraine Girl self.
Thanks to all of you for reading. I expect my other posts will be a little more light-hearted now that I have gotten these words out. My nerves feel pretty raw at the moment, so if you would treat me with kid gloves if you do choose to comment below, I’d be most grateful.
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