No support?
How do you deal with feeling completely and utterly alone with your migraines, especially when the suicidal thoughts start creeping in? I'm not completely suicidal yet - but I do wonder, and often, how many more 'bad migraine cycles' I can take, especially as with each one, I watch my husband moving further and further away from me emotionally.
He has always been the one person that I've relied on to understand what I'm going through, to offer support, a shoulder to cry on - or pick me up (literally, not emotionally) when I haven't been able to find my own way home. Tonight? He practically accused me of having attacks on purpose, of being ill at always the same time he was, and 'it always being about me'. Now I know that the burden of migraine is a heavy one to bear when it's not even yours to bear, and he has no choice in this - but this hurts. Given the nature of my attacks, I've been accused of faking in the past and he's always stood by me.
Even more recently, I've been battling with ever increasing signs of depression, which I know he's found hard to handle, but instead of comforting me, or talking to me about it or being there for me - I've found his reaction to be one of resentment?!
Why do I always have to be so strong and healthy, never allowed to be sick or unhappy, have migraines or have depression? But it's OK for me to be there for him when he's sick, had a bad day, has anger/emotional issues or even bouts of depression - but I don't in any way resent him for it?
Why is this a one-way street? I'm just left feeling so confused and alone - he is my whole world (we don't have a whole load of friends and is it as far as a support system goes in terms of migraine). It's hard to be locked in a pain fuelled world with suicidal world when the one person you thought you could count on is telling you that your putting it on, that you aren't there for him, that you aren't being strong enough, that you let everyone down and that you're being unfair to him...
Hi Still Smiling,
Thank you so much for sharing so honestly with us here at Migraine.com. We hear you, and you are not alone. The community members here fully understand you and support you. I do hope you feel you can lean on us. It sounds like you are struggling emotionally and are feeling unsupported by your loved ones. It must be so difficult as those lonely feelings are compounded by the migraine pain we experience. Experiencing depressive symptoms are often correlated with chronic migraine. The relationship between the two is discussed further here - https://migraine.com/living-with-migraine/migraine-and-depression/. And coping with the emotional impact of chronic migraine is further discussed here - https://migraine.com/blog/coping-skills-save-the-judgement-what-matters-is-finding-what-works-for-you/, https://migraine.com/blog/one-simple-mistake-a-strong-reminder-coping-is-always-a-work-in-progress/, https://migraine.com/blog/migraine-and-mindfulness-bruce-almighty/. These are a few articles on ways to cope and hopefully you will find something helpful. You mentioned feeling passively suicidal. Still, experiencing even the most passive suicide ideation can be scary and we strongly suggest reaching out to a therapist or mental health clinician to discuss these thoughts. More information on suicide ideation and chronic migraine is found here - https://migraine.com/blog/pain-from-migraine-severe-headache-increases-suicide-risk/, https://migraine.com/migraine-and-mental-health/migraine-and-mental-health-suicide/, https://migraine.com/blog/suicide-safety-plans/, https://migraine.com/blog/migraine-suicide-risk-know-facts-get-help/, https://migraine.com/blog/migraine-and-suicidal-thoughts-one-migraineurs-story/. Along with an article providing you with contact information for a suicide support hotline - https://migraine.com/blog/migraine-crisis-help/. We strongly urge you reach out to them to ensure your safety. Again, please know we support you and we are here for you. Please feel free to reach out whenever you feel. We want to hear from you. Sending loads of good energy your way.
Warmly,
Meaghan (Migraine.com Team)
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Over the last 10 years most of my family and friends have put space between me and them because it was either too frustrating to "deal" with me or it is too hard for them to watch a person they love be in so much pain. I'm also constantly battling with my mom (who also has migraines but very rarely) because she doesn't believe how difficult my life can be minute to minute. About 4 years ago I very seriously contemplated suicide because I was so isolated and depressed and in so much pain. Thankfully I found the online community, and even though we may not be there for you physically we are all here for you mentally and emotionally. I hope that it can help to hear that we are here, we truly UNDERSTAND what you are feeling and going through and we support you. Maybe you can see if there are any support groups in your area, and I don't know if it's an option but I found that finding someone professional to talk to helped. Take care and I hope that this helps.
Heather,
Thank you so much for having the courage to share your unveiled story with us. It sounds like you experienced a lot of struggles over the past few years and I am so sorry to hear that you had to contemplate suicide. We could not be happier that you found this community and sought out professional help. Your story is remarkable and you should be so proud of how far you have come.
It is wonderful to see that you are able to reflect on your experiences and use them to support others like 'still smiling.'
We are so glad you are a part of this community. It is members like you who make migraine.com such a warm and supportive place to be.
Hoping to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Jillian (Migraine.com Team)
FWIW, I used to sit in my car at 3am and call a phone counselling line, the year my partner was being treated for cancer and we were also caring for his newly-widowed Dad who has Alzheimer's. Everyone seemed to think I could just swallow a stronger pill and carry on smiling... When really it was all I could do not to lash out with something dangerously sharp and pointy in my shaky hands. :~
Deep breathing exercises (which are really just focused regular breaths, not deep), and 'mindfulness' sessions of 1-3 minutes helped me. Because I learnt they don't have to be long or perfect to have a beneficial effect, just enough to break the mind's focus on the pain cycle.
Hang in there. You're needed, and loved.
