4 Things Parents With Migraine Totally Understand

By Tonilyn Hornung

Last Updated:

2 min read

It’s tough having a brain that barbecues itself. It’s even more of a challenge when my brain barbecues itself while I’m parenting my 6-year-old. My migraines present a major obstacle when it comes to staying present (and out of bed) while cooking meals, helping with math equations, and playing hide-the-mom.

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How many parents have migraine?

Even though I know I’m not alone, suffering from migraines while parenting can leave me feeling lost and lonely. According to studies, 12% of the population suffers from migraines.¹ Clearly, there are other parents out there microwaving dinners and calling in their trusted backup. For my migraine moms and dads, I know you get me. Here are four ways you might feel my pain.

Number 1

It’s not just a bad headache. Migraine pain leaves me incapacitated with nausea, vomiting, and chills — besides its classic symptom of brain barbecuing. Trying to concentrate on one task is almost impossible due to high pain levels. My fellow migrained-out parents, maybe you understand how hard it is to take care of the kids while suffering through this level of debilitating discomfort. This is when I try my best to breathe deeply, move on to step number two, and know that bedtime is just around the corner.

Number 2

Screen time is a savior. While this move may not win me the Parent Of The Year Award, it does win me a few moments of coveted downtime. I make sure to have favorite movies and even a secret never-been-played app ready to go so that my little guy can be entertained while I’m entertaining myself with a cold cloth on my head. (I also have fun Dollar Store crafts ready to go.)

Number 3

The constant rescheduling of activities. While I feel guilty for inconveniencing friends and disappointing my kid, I must cancel. The pain in my head won’t allow me to focus on keeping my child safe at playgrounds or having extended conversations with those parent friends. That’s when I find myself sending that text that reads, “I have a migraine. Can we do it another day?” And then the worst part is telling my son that we must play another day.

Number 4

My kid knows too much about pain. It hurts my heart that my kid doesn’t always get the fun, healthy parent he deserves. There were times during long migraine runs that I wondered if my little guy would grow up resenting the fact that his mother wasn’t able to be present for him. Just when my guilt had grown higher than his Duplo tower, he’d bust out a loving truth like “You make my day no matter where you are.” I realized it didn’t matter how I was there for him as long as I was there for him.

What do I want you to know?

Parenting while navigating the depth and challenges migraine disease presents makes my parenting day feel endless. For those of you out there parenting with migraines along with me, I want you to know I feel you. Let me echo my son’s brilliance, “You make my day no matter where you are.”

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The Migraine.com team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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mom2saminoc Member

This is exactly what I needed today! I'm the migraine parent of a teen daughter with a very supportive husband but the guilt just never seems to go away. My heart goes out to all parents who struggle with pain while parenting.
1. Tonilyn Hornung Contributor
 
 Hi Sharon! I'm so happy to hear that this post resonated with you today. Yes, I totally understand the guilt. Migraine guilt and parenting is a concept I actually end up writing about often because it always seems to stick with me. Please know you're not alone, and I loved hearing from Sharon and the insights her daughter gave to her. Thanks for commenting! Best to you!
2. Tonilyn Hornung Contributor
 
 Ooops, I meant hearing the insights from "wiseoldowl72" below. Thanks for your understanding...
tonytoshiba Member

I was missing too much of our children's childhoods due to migraines. At times it seemed as if we had not been together for weeks. I made sure that we went on trips, hikes, camped, threw the balls and joked and laughed, explored the ground and trees in the deserts, mountains and roadsides, had fun picnics where we all prepared, loaded, and setup when we found just the perfect tree. As they got older, and my migraines got worse they began to make excuses for not doing things. They knew I needed some down time, sweethearts. When I figured that out we went on more fun trips. Thankfully my wife would at times take the little munchers out on a fun trip so I could hide. Sadly 2 of our 3 have migraines. COPD helps the migraines. What you say, are you nuts? Yes, but that is beside the point. I had spoken to my neurologists and pulmonary Doctors. They agreed that I could turn up my lpm to no higher than 5lpm as the extra oxygen would relieve my pain. Usually 4lpm works. See, not totally nuts. Botox helps, until the dr decided lidocaine is the way to go. Jerk, he lied and said it was Botox, it didn't work except for the injection pain. The reports state actual medication used. Maybe I wasn't supposed to read them. Be safe, loving and accept the help you are given, don't be pigheaded and try to tough thru it all. (personal experience)
1. Tonilyn Hornung Contributor
 
 Hi there! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and then share your thoughts and experience. I'm so sorry to hear your migraines have you feel like your missing out on time with your family. I, too, totally understand that one. Thanks for sharing that lovely bit of advice "to accept the help your given," because sometimes I definetely try to "tough through it" only making my migraines much worse. I do hope you're able to find some releif with your migraines. All the Best!
wiseoldowl72 Member

I've had daily chronic migraines for over half of my eldest child's life and she's 19. And my son really doesn't remember me without debilitating migraines. He'll turn 16 on the 21 Sept 2020. I asked my daughter what was important to her growing up with a Mom that was unavailable and inconsistent most of her formative years. She said that it was important I was there. Anytime, even during my pain, she could come to me and talk, lay by me, do her thing in my presence. She wants parents not to be guilty because migraine isn't something that can be controlled. She said, in her view, kids just want time with their parent available.
1. Tonilyn Hornung Contributor
 
 Hi there! I can't thank you enough for sharing your daughter's thoughts about parents not feeling "guilty because migraine isn’t something that can be controlled." That's so lovely and I do hope my son feels the same as he grows. I've been the same way, even during horrible attacks my little guy can come in and ask questions or snuggle next to me for as long as likes. He's never known me without my migraine either. Thank you so much for sharing this. Best to you.
prydzopolis Member

Parent of a 23 month boy, I can certainly empathise
1. Tonilyn Hornung Contributor
 
 Hi there! Ah, yes...I totally remember that stage and age. 😉 Sending happy thoughts to you and yours...Thanks for taking the time to read and share! Best to you!
2klms3 Member

I had 4 in 5 years. When mine were little my husband was in CG doing 6 weeks in and 6 weeks out ok his ship. I had to teach my 4.5 year old daughter to operate microwave and VCR. I filled a 1 qt pitcher with juice so she could pour it and I would put her in charge while lying on couch with my arm over my eyes. Was it fair that she had to grow up so fast, no but it was life. As an adult she doesn't feel miss treated.
1. Tonilyn Hornung Contributor
 
 Hi flybaby1968, thanks for letting me know the thoughts your daughter shared with you as an adult. I do love hearing that children as they move into adulthood seem to grow into an understanding of what their parents suffered with their migraines. All the best to you!
maddieg Member

The hardest part for me is knowing my crap genes are the reason my daughter, now 6, has gotten them. She has had at least two I am sure of. I try to remember that at least I know the signs and have all sorts of tricks up my sleeve but it doesn’t fix the fact that she’s in pain and it’s... on some level... my fault.
1. Melissa Arnold Community Admin
 
 Hi, Maddie. My heart goes out to you. It's so hard to watch our kids suffer with any kind of illness, but it's even tougher when it's possibly inherited. Please try your best not to blame yourself -- migraine inheritance from one parent is a 50/50, and we all know you would never choose this for her. But now your daughter has you to confide in, to share experiences, and to help her know she doesn't have to go through this alone. I can hear the love and concern you have for her, and you're a great parent just for that. Here's an article that you might relate to. <a href='https://migraine.com/living-migraine/circle-of-life-parenting-a-child-with-migraine' target='_blank'>https://migraine.com/living-migraine/circle-of-life-parenting-a-child-with-migraine/</a> Remember that we're always here to talk to if you need a shoulder! -Melissa, <a href='https://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team
prydzopolis Member

Hi <inline-mention username="Tonilyn Hornung" user-id="3907613"/> I feel for you, parenting a three year old, know exactly what you mean
1. Tonilyn Hornung Contributor
 
 <inline-mention username="prydzopolis" user-id="3814110"/> Thanks so much for reaching out and commenting! Dealing with migraine can already be challenging and then add parenting on top of that and--wow. I speak the "wow" from experience. 😀 All the best to you!
wiseoldowl72 Member

My kids don't remember me not being sick. My most memorable moment is when my daughter was about 6, and I was in bed absolutely miserable with a bucket. My daughter ran in my bedroom and said, "Mommy, Mommy get up! I want a peanut butter sandwich." I feel everything you wrote. Michelle
1. Nancy Harris Bonk Member
 
 <inline-mention username="wiseoldowl72" user-id="3835198"/> Hi Michelle, Thank you for joining the conversation. You're not alone in feeling this way. Parenting is hard, when we add chronic illness to the mix it makes everything more complicated. Did you teach her how to make her own sandwich? My daughter became efficient at making PB & J at an early age. Thankfully she still loves to cook! How are you today? I'm sending you wishes for a low pain day, Nancy Harris Bonk, Patient Leader/Moderator (team member)
StacyKos Member

I’ve struggled with severe intractable migraines most of my life, and they got even worse after I had kids. I can relate to your post and these comments…. My kids know too much about pain too, but let’s not forget they also know a lot about strength and resilience. They know a lot about compassion and grace when we need it most. They know to celebrate life and how precious the good days are. I was always so scared I was going to ruin my kids. Now that they’ve started school, considering the feedback we get, it’s undeniable these mountains we climb can help mold them in good ways. Let’s free ourselves from guilt over things we can’t control. We are all doing our best. Gentle hugs to all that trudge on through the moments that seem impossible. Stacy 
1. Nancy Harris Bonk Member
 
 <inline-mention username="StacyKos" user-id="3892447"/> Exactly! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I couldn't agree more. My kids, who are now adults, also know too much about pain. Having said that they are both very compassionate and resilient and well adjusted adults. I hope you're having a low pain day, Nancy Harris Bonk, Patient Leader/Moderator (team member)
cosmichobo Member

 I absolutely feel this pain, and doubly so. My wife works on a Saturday, so I have the 3 kids to feed and play and keep alive. If a migraine strikes on a Saturday, I feel terrible because I know I'm not "there" for my kids when they need me. I can't just call my wife and say I need you to come home, because her job does not allow it. (If she leaves her work, other parents miss out on seeing their kids...) Thankfully these days if I catch it in time, and get my meds, I can "operate" at some level of consciousness, and "get through it", though cognitively I'm just on auto-pilot. But when you mention being a parent and migraines... the "doubly so" part is that my now 17yo is also a migraine sufferer. 🙁 And given that both myself and my wife suffer migraines (hers only arrived after our oldest was born; whereas mine started at 11yo) - that means our other 2 kids have a huge risk as well... 
1. Alene L. Brennan, RYT Member
 
 <inline-mention username="cosmichobo" user-id="9741025"/> thanks so much for taking the time to share you story and join the conversation. It's certainly a topic that tugs at every parent's heart - from the perspective of not being able to "be there" for your kids as well as the realization that they too may experience migraine. We want nothing more than to be there for our kids and for them to always be healthy and happy. One thing I try to remember, is that migraine or not, when you're providing a safe home that is filled with love, that is a blessing. While a migraine attack can knock us down sometimes, it's our heart that our children want and need most, and migraine can't not take away the love that we share with our children. I'm sure both you and your wife are wonderful parents to your children and they are blessed to have you - migraine and all! Best Alene (team member) 
2. Tracy Hannigan, MOstMed, ACE-HC Member
 
 <inline-mention username="cosmichobo" user-id="9741025"/> That sounds so hard. I remember seeing a meme on a social media site and the first half of it was a parent being concerned about 'not being there fully' with their very small child...a bit like a thought bubble of all the worries. Then the other half was a thought bubble from the baby's point of view, about the close time, the cuddles, being quietly together and feeling so peaceful... We all want to do our best and rate our effort based on our past or future 'best' - but I also think we are very hard on ourselves and are our own worst critics. I'm sure your kids love your time together 😀 I'm sorry to hear your 17 y/o is suffering too. I think one common thread in many of the topics here is how people's parents/coworkers/partners just don't understand. It may be a doubly situation you'd all rather not have, for sure - but it's wonderful your 17yo is surrounded by parents who really understand and can model healthy living (and self advocacy)! Thank you so much for being here to model for others, and I hope you find this community a great part of your support network too. Warmly, Tracy (Team Member)
LynvjWilson65 Member

Brilliant article. It's so true. I had migraine then my 2 kids developed migraine disease. It's a horrible feeling to this day knowing I passed along the migraine genes. My 2 are grown but not gone from the house. They "lodge" with my husband and I for now. I will show them your comments so that they know that if they have children they will never be alone in the struggle with migraine. Thank you so much. ~Lyn