The hated comment: YOU LOOK TIRED !
Ok, I wrote my story on this site years ago. I don’t even remember what it was titled. So I feel that it is time to share again.
I have worked in retail for about six years. I have suffered with chronic headaches since I was 3 or 4. I do not know what a normal head feels like. I have always said that I do it because it is the only thing I know. Most people really have no idea. At the heart I am a private person even though I have always been “popular” or “very well”. I 100s of people who are work friends, Facebook friends, and etc. I have even more aquatinces and that’s the ones who I recognize by face. So often people know me and I can’t even place there face. But a at the core. There is maybe Ten people who truly utterly know me. My best friends and close friends are all different but they get me, they get my problems, and they have never said you look tired. That is my most hated.
I have always been very active I was the girl who was in every thing commuting and going. I am also strange my chronic headaches or not normal not that there is a normal we are all different.
I am not bothered most of time my noise unless it is a really bad one or a cluster. The reason is because I have excellent hearing like beyond good I always have. So by the time I was six I had taught my self to listen to a back ground noise or just tune out everything. When my headaches are extremely bad I actually have to turn the radio on or a device BECAUSE there is no such thing as silence. Do you know just how noise your own breathing is. I turn on the radio or a noisy devise to drown out the silence which is not silence must hundreds of tiny sounds that most people can not hear. But alas I am getting sidetracked.
The hated comment: “YOU LOOK TIRED.” Or sometimes worded as “are you tired today” I have a yawning symptom with my really bad ones to so this makes the idea worse. I always say no because I am not well not really. I am not physically tired like they mean. But some days my head is screaming yes, stranger or well meaning aquantice/xteacher of mine who ever. It wants me to say yes I am tired.
I tired of people asking that question. I am tired of the fact that I did the zone thing for a second or the fact that my permanent smile and bubbly attitude slipped for a second made you think that I was tired orsomethingwas wrong. I am tired of not being able to slip into my own messed up head to try to grab onto my self training with multitasking that question or a complete stranger thinking I am high or something.
My eyes definitely roll and my head often replies with yes I am even though I am telling you no. It want s me to say you try living with a head like mine. You live with a head that is in pain for most of itslife. Well really considering I don’t remember if I did or did not have headaches before 4 and I am in my 30s let’s say all my life. It wants me to say see I don’t sleep I never have been able to more than five well I can manage on six but four is the best and the headaches are ten times worse. It wants me to say since my chronic ankle pain due to a long ago sports injury has at times slowed me down and the inactivity makes my head even worse. Then there’s the chronic side pain that causes the four hours of optimal REM sleep to be unachievable. It at least Twice a week sends her to sleeping on her back which causes bad freaky dreams she thus either doesn’t get sleep for days or over sleeps either way the actions make me her head more painful.
It wants me to say do you know how many sounds exist in silence. It wants me to say that yes I am tired of not being able to do the things like dance, Pilates, basketball, and exercise that helps my head my constant to just a constant ache 24/7. Because that is what it is. Me the head as hurt her at least once a day since she was 4 or so she doesn’t know life without my pain But yes she is tired because other things prevent me from being able to stay at a dull roar. Let’s not forget that it is not including that clusters or something no one really gets use to and I threw that into the mix in her early twenties and now they are chronic. Oh and the fact that I have as a head decided that her dreaded sinus headaches of maybe a lone four a year for a few hours or to become. Chronic also lets forget those two things.
I want to at points just sigh and give in because yes I know I look tired. Yes I am tired. I am tired of being asked that question. I am tired of it no longer just being my painful head, chronic anemia, and chronic ankle pain. I am tired of the fact that do to a work accident two years ago I have at times painful back issues that a long with hip pain due to who knows what and the chronic five year side pain due to you knows that I can’t physically do what I need to which is stay extremely physically, emotionally, mentally and in all ways packed busy so I can deal with a constant has always been there dull pain. But because I have chronic pains that don’t allow me to be as active as I need the auras happen more the constant pains is head to with more and more little extra pain.
SO JUST FOR YOUR INFORMATION YES I AM TIRED! I AM TIRED OF IT NOT BEING JUST ME AND MY DULL CONSTANT HEADACHE THAT WAS JUST LIFE. YES I AM TIRED OF MY NORMAL OF WHAT YOU WOULD BE SENT TO BED IN TEARS. I AM TIRED OF IT BEING MADE WORSE BY CHRONIC PAIN THAT MAKES MY TRIGGERS TO CAUSE THE CONSTANT THROB TWENTY TIMES WORSE. SO THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR REMINDING BE THAT I HAVE A REASON TO NOT BE WHAT YOU ALWAYS SEE BECAUSE YES IT DOES GET TIREING TO JUST BE IN PAIN. No I am not tired.