Jessica's Story - Is there anything left in life for me?
I will be 40 years old in October this year and I have suffered from migraines since I was 13. My father had them and so did my mother, my sister and nephew do too. So I guess it's true they run in families! I remember being young and my mother would sit next to me in the middle of the night while I sat up and rocked forward and backward praying for the pain to stop. The worst part for me is not being able to lay down when my head hurts so bad. I have to prop myself up in a wingback chair and wait them out.
I have been on every med available and even had surgery to try and relieve them but nothing seems to work. I have given up on preventatives since they have such nasty side affects for me. I suffer from depression and PTSD and most preventatives make me suicidal or I go into anaphalactic shock, and at the very least panic attacks which can lead me to feel suicidal as well.
When I was 13 they diagnosed me with TMJ and I had 8 teeth removed and wore braces for 4 years then splints to relax my jaw because I grind my teeth. Never really helped much. I used to just get them with my periods after all that, so I eventually had a hysterecomy to try and get relief. Nope that didn't work either. I also had a lumbar shunt put in to drain fluid off my brain and spinal cord, it overdrained and had to be removed, so that failed too. I've had more than 2 dozen spinal taps, 50+ CAT Scans and 16 MRI's to date with no explanation why I hurt so bad so often. Since the beginning of this year I have started having at lesat 2-3 full blown migraines per week.
I can only work 4 days per week a total of 4 hours a day and even then I am missing at least 3-4 days of work each month. Most days I feel like giving up all together. I have no social life and even thinking about being in a relationship with a man being as sick as I am, makes my head hurt. My family is very supportive though and understands, but lately they have gotten so much worse and I wake up so many times with them full blown that my ergotamine has no real ffect. I do have lortab for pain but it rarely does more then take the edge off enough for me to lay down and pack my head in ice.
I am on medicaid (medipass) and cannot find a neurologist within 100 miles that will treat me. My PCP won't give me meds to treat the pain anymore even though I cannot afford a neurologist out of pocket. So I am left going to the ER several times per month for relief and now they are starting to turn me away as well without treating me. They turned me away last Thursday and consequently I layed in bed for 3 days with my head packed in ice just wishing I would die.
I really feel that if I didn't have faith in God I would have killed myself long ago. Most of the time I feel like the world has left me behind and I will never have anything but pain to look forward to. I pray each day that my 2 daughters don't develop migraines. I would never wish this kind of pain on even my worst enemy. For now I take my life from hour to hour and hope that I can get through a day without headache or a week without a migraine. That's small glimmer of sunshine is how I get through each day and have the courage to not give up!
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