Migraine and high-school
I've had migraines for as long as I can remember but November 10th 2013 I got a terrible migraine and it hasn't gone away. This static migraine now reigns over my life.
I am 17, a senior in high-school. I've always been a good student (responsible, bright, respectful, etc.). But since my headache I haven't wanted to do anything. I just want to sleep and not wake up till it's gone. Ive managed to keep my grades up but I'm no longer proud of my work. It's sloppily done and I obviously do just enough to end up with an A at the end of the year. At the time my migraine hit, I was leader of three school clubs (debate, 4-H, and entrepreneurship). I had so much passion for them; I spent so much time working for these clubs and loving it. But now I dont want to look at a screen long enough to research for a debate, no matter how many people i get to argue with. I stepped down from my presidency in 4-H because I believed a reduction in stress would help my migraine. It didnt.
I dont know what causes my headache, stress is the best guess ive gotten. My doctors ordered all the scans and tests, nothing comes up, so it must just be me. I stress my self out too much, thats what everyone says. But i dont feel stressed. The most stressful thing I have is my migraine. Obviously, i have stressors like applying to colleges, scholarships, family, grades, but every professional ive seen tells me I deal with it perfectly, and I agree. I dont feel stressed.
I dont know why i have this migraine, but everyone else seems to blame me, or just not believe me. I wish people could see it. I think anyone reading this knows that feeling.
I feel like I've done something wrong to deserve this, but I know I haven't I just wish I knew why this is happening to me. It hurts every second of every day. I've fantasized of every single way to mutilate this terrible muscle that gives me all my pain. All my problems seem small and silly when I compare it to my migraine, but I love my other problems because they are a distraction.
Im terrified this wont go away. Im scared that if it does theres nothing i can do to make this last year of pain worth living. I have to be ambitious, because I need to know I'm hurting for a better future.
I've gone through it all before, the anger and the depression and the anxiety and the hope. I guess Ive just been full circle, maybe my headaches lasted too long, but I'm feeling hopeless again. I want some assurance that I wont have to spend my college years with this pain, that it will just end when my high school stressors go away. But if the problem is me, how will it go away? I want to be able to enjoy my life again, the way Im living now is so unsatisfying, i want my old self back. I've developed a negative outlook on life i used to despise on others, but i cant help it, as far as i know all there is is pain, reasonless pain.
Every one tells me to stay positive, i just dont understand how they think its that simple.
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