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Missing my Son’s Performance

Dear fellow migranuers…

My 5 year old son Benji, if he gets the nerve up, will be performing in a winter performance with his Kindergarten class in under an hour. And I am in bed, in the same spot I have been for many hours, ice pack to my head. I so wished I would be able to make it, but the evenings are generally when my head starts hurting; today it started really early, at 11:30 am.

I have chronic daily migraines, as many of you do. My life over the past 6 months has become very small and limited. I am very grateful for my smartphone- it sounds stupid but the sound can be off, I can have the background lighting on low, and I can connect to people without having to talk to them, read articles, and not feel as isolated as I otherwise would.
I also am triggered by my menstrual cycle. Now before anyone says anything- I am one of those freak of nature women – Not having a period- like the hormonal IUD doesn’t work for me, let’s just say my body doesn’t like IUDs and I’ve tried everything else. So I deal with my hormonal time.

I’m not working now because of my migraines. It’s just not possible. I am trying to start applying for disability but I hear it’s very hard….

My husband is supportive of me. He is working but money is definitely a struggle.

Sometimes I feel so guilty for being how I am. I was always an overachiever, and my parents were always very proud of me. Great grades, good college, Masters degree in teaching, with a special education endorsement. They all thought I was going to go somewhere. And now I have nothing to show for it. Just a enormous amount of student loans. I taught for a year, got married and pregnant, and taught for two more. And now my migraines are so bad I can’t teach or work.

I get annoyed when I get emails “21 natural things you can do to prevent headaches” which I just got today from my well intentioned mother in law. It was from and was the basic things even my 5 year old would know them! For instance, stay hydrated. It’s hard… People are frustrated and they want to help. But I guess I feel like “Do they all think I’m an idiot?!!”

I’ve lost friends who I thought were very close friends because they didn’t agree with me seeing a Western medicine doctor. You learn who your real people are when times are tough.

Thanks to anyone who has read through this rambling vent. Just having a hard night….
I am so grateful for this website. And all your entries.


This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.


  • Shani
    4 years ago

    Thank you. You summed up my life for me. I too have missed my childrens’ events, husband’s award ceremony and other work related events that the “supporting spouse” should be there for. I HATE it. I don’t know who is more disappointed. In the end I believe it’s me. There are other events as someone pointed out and there are but it’s guilt and frustration and the not knowing. Not knowing if on that day you will have one(very likely) what level, going into a flourescently lit, loud, totally amplified crowded, usually hot cafeteria to hear your precious one do her part…oh it’s like going in for torture and saying ok “I can do this because.. at some point it will be over”. And that in itself sounds horrible. Sometimes I make it sometimes I don’t but all we can do is the best we can at that moment when it comes. They love us and we love them and that’s not all wrapped up in One performance.

  • Andie
    4 years ago

    Bless you sweetheart, you echo my life, the 5 yr old, the MIL etc everything except work, as a nurse, which im always hanging onto by a very thin thread, I just wanted to say that you are not alone and sorry cant offer you anything else, I wish i could wave a wand and heal us all! But for now Im workin on my own guilt levels for abscent wife/mother a lot of the time, if you need to chat let me know

  • Katie M. Golden moderator
    4 years ago

    I am so sorry that your story sounds all too familiar. I too had to stop working in a job I love where I was going places. It’s a hard adjustment, but you reallly find out who your real friends are.

    When I get those annoying emails from well-intentioned friends, I try to say thank you for thinking of me and if I have the energy, I’ll explain why it doesn’t work for me. But it is really annoying.

    Last thing- applying for disability can be tough, but it sounds like something you should consider. This article may help you to understand how to get started:

    Best Wishes!
    -Katie Moderator

  • Leynal author
    4 years ago

    Thank you so much for such kind advice Katie and everyone. I will definitely look into this website! I really appreciate it.

    Having people who really understand what you are going through makes all the difference, so again thank you.

  • Doug
    4 years ago

    2 things to make you feel better:

    1. I taught K-8 music for 3 years and grade 6-12 band and choir going on 3 years. Every parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, and friend of the family comes to a kid’s kindergarten winter concert, then they never come to anything again. By middle school, they’ll drop them at the door and ask them when the performance is over so they can come pick them up. I’m sure that works wonders for a teen’s self-esteem. Don’t sweat missing the kindergarten performance. Everyone goes to them, and they aren’t even that good. Be the parent who is still there to see their kid when they are a teenager – when it’s probably even more important that they have your support – and you will do more for your child than most other parents. There will be plenty more chances to be there for him.

    2. I am 100% with you on the smartphone thing. For me it’s the iPad. Being able to read books through white text on a black screen in a dark room is a life saver. I had one for 2 years. I don’t have one now, and it’s killing me. Hope to get a new one for Christmas. And I agree that keeping up online is better than not keeping up at all. I keep connecting with my friends in hopes that one day I might actually feel well enough to hang out with them in person.

  • Lisa Robin Benson moderator
    4 years ago

    Just wanted to send you some get well wishes and “company” while you are home alone missing your sons performance tonight, Lenya. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope perhaps, with help from your doctor, you will be feeling better in the future. We CAN get better, it’s possible! Reach out any time with a question or a story to share. We here at really do “get it.” You are not alone.

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