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My LONG struggle with Chronic Migraines

Hello, I am a 40 year old female and had my first migraine around 13 years. Sadly my mother was the one who brought me to doctors, neurologists, etc. But sadly she passed when I was only 16, and she suffered horribly for years so the last thing on my mind was getting all my medical history. So I can only relay my history after 16 years old. I literally have been on every preventative med out there, and also many kinds of abortive meds, either a narcotic pain med, my Imitrex shots, and numerous treatments which at the time were only experimental not sure if it could help migraines. I have had Botox before this new and more specific formula they approved now for only chronic migraines. I go 4 times a year and was advised that both the preventative and Botox were no guarantee that they would lessen the amount of migraines I get now, which on average is 3 times a week, or the same migraine for a week straight. When I first had Botox it was popular for women and their wrinkles so this doctor tried his best to inject me in places that might be related to where my migraine pain was mainly from. After monthly visits 5 months later it was concluded that for now Botox is not the treatment I need. I have had an occipital stimulator placed under my scalp, I have spent 2 months straight in Jefferson Migraine Hospital in Philadelphia and since I live in Connecticut and again this was an experimental treatment I had to stay in-patient to monitor me the whole time. Back then I had a constant 24/7 IV pump that contained DHE and Lidocaine. It was beyond depressing to not see my family but twice in that 2 month period but on the floor I was on had nothing to do except lie in bed and pray it helps. Long story short I returned home not even slightly better. I have been to a chiropractor, did acupuncture, trigger point injections in my neck which is always very twisted, I did bio-feedback, saw a “pain” therapist which again was a major waste of mine and their time. Also again been through doctors that would prescribe pain medication along with preventative and Imitrex injections, which are a God send for me, but I had CT scans, they saw an “orbital” round something or other, but nothing bad enough to require emergency care. I also had numerous MRIs again with nothing clear for immediate treatment. Now, I know that I will never be “cured” from my migraines, but I would be thrilled if I only got one attack per week. Right now I am disability from a job I loved and was quickly on the ladder to keep moving up and then the migraines had taken over my life and I had to quit and sadly go on disability. I know there are many people out there that don’t agree that migraines could cause such problems in your life that you can no longer work, BUT, I also have missed more family get-togethers, my own daughters activities, I hardly function at all at this point, and my mental state thru all of this is that yes I have always had a history of major depression and anxiety, but between meds and therapy and at times numerous in-patient psych wards, but in the last few years I have all but cut off the entire world. I lost many friends, my husband is so sick of working 50 hours a week since my disability amount is a joke, but once his work day is done, he then must turn into “care giver” role and for intents and purposes he is a single parent. If he would leave me, which he wants to, I would be in dire straights. I have almost succeeded over 5 suicide attempts including the most recent one in October 2014, and my daughter was the one who found me on the floor, laying in my own vomit, couldn’t communicate, or move from the floor I had fell off my bed. I ended up in ICU intubated or whatever the term is for having the tube down your throat, my liver and kidneys had become so toxic that I actually had to have serious meds, over 6 huge bags to hopefully keep my organs going. It was one of the worst times in my life, since my daughter is only 11 and I put her thru this, I have done so much damage to anyone in my life, but more so my husband and child. I just wanted the pain, hopelessness that I will never feel better physically or mentally, so in my warped state I at the time thought I was doing everyone, and myself, a favor by ridding everyone of my misery and the misery I have caused them. I have said over and over to anyone who would listen, that if my situation was just chronic migraines, then I could totally do everything and anything to get better. But not only did I have a pretty serious mental illness forever, migraines can intensify my depression to an extreme that I could only handle one of these issues, either have mental illness which can be manageable or chronic migraines, again which could be managed. But having so many bad cards sent my way, I just don’t know how to fight back for the life I once had. Well thank-you for letting me vent and thanks to anyone who will take a long time to even read this, but anything I would be grateful for. malissa

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.


  • KaciMo
    4 years ago


    Thanks for sharing your story. Being vulnerable takes guts. Your story resonated with me because I can see my journey in it. I got my first migraine at age 16 and have had daily migraines in the 11 years since. I’ve been through many of the treatments you mentioned; I even have a nerve stimulator. I’ve been written off by doctors who didn’t know what else to try. I’ve been through anxiety and depression that felt never-ending and utterly hopeless. Though I’ve never attempted it, I’ve had phases where I felt that taking my own life might make things better for everyone.

    I don’t have any life-altering wisdom for you. I don’t have the answers. I just want you to know, Malissa, that you’re not alone in this fight. And yes, it’s a fight. You can’t give up, sister. You’ve fought too long and too hard for that. And if for no other reason, fight because that little girl needs you.


  • Katie M. Golden moderator
    4 years ago

    My heart breaks for you. For so many people Migraines and Depression go hand in hand. I’ve been to Jefferson too for in-patient treatments, and have found some success. Are you still going? Or do you at least have a Headache Specialist to help with the Migraines?

    I can’t pretend to imagine what it’s like to get to the point of attempting suicide. But I want you to remember what it was like to lose your own mother at a young age. I’m sure you don’t want your daughter to go through the same thing.

    Jen gave you some great articles that may help. I urge you to also visit our Forums section. If you need support it’s a great place to interact with other sufferers.

    I wish only the best for you!
    -Katie Moderator

  • Jenn Lebowitz
    4 years ago

    Hi Malissa,

    I am so, so sorry for your struggles. It sounds like you are an incredibly strong person who has been dealing with a lot for a long time. I commend you on sharing your story here, and truly appreciate your being part of the community. Please know you are not alone and we are here to listen and offer support, any time.

    While you may get more feedback from the community, I thought you might appreciate this story from Tammy, as it is a heartfelt one that relates to a lot of what you described: As Tammy states in the article, if you ever need help, please ask a friend or loved one, a doctor, a counselor, or just call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at Additionally, this post from Kerrie may be helpful:

    I really hear you on how hard this is. We hope you are getting the support you so deserve in the form of professional mental health counseling, as you are dealing with incredible challenges. When it comes to relationships and migraine, it can be extremely difficult. Here is an article that might help with some ideas/tools:

    Please know we are here to support you, and also do not be shy in reaching out for additional in-person help that can make a difference as well, such as those mentioned above. You are so strong and brave for sharing your story! Your courage in sharing your story helps other people who feel similarly to know they are not alone. We welcome you to post here any time, and to keep us updated on how you are doing. We are here for you!


    Jenn (Community Manager,

  • sweetmalis author
    4 years ago

    Thank-you soo much for taking the time to read my story and reply with great advice. I sadly don’t have much support except for people like us that suffer so badly from this “invisible” illness that is so debilitating, at times I feel like I will never feel well again. But I will defeinetly check that blog and sites because again I turned towards websites like this because its truly the only place I can go. Thank-you again so much, your reply was enough for me to smile today, and that doesn’t happen often. God Bless and sending you well wishes Malissa O

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