The Non-life

I am 50 years old and have suffered from migraines all my life. I can only remember as far back as elementary school…and only because of all the school I missed and all my days spent at Children’s Hospital. The continuing in-patient tests, EEG’s etc. The medicines that were given inaccurately. I would love to be able to contribute regularly on this forum, however, my migraines prevent consistency…and so, I know…that responsibilities, interests, work or lack of etc., are all at the mercy of my migraines. Those things must bow down and submit to my migraines…which go by the name…Queen M. “Queen M” =(copyrighted title/term).
Queen M rules supreme over my days and my life…ruling with efficiency to ensure that my days are lost…lost to excruciating pain, sometimes for a day…sometimes for 3-4 days at a time. Sometimes she gives me 3-4 days of relief before she forces me to submit again to her. Sometimes she is extremely selfish and only allows me 1-2 days of respite.
There are days Queen M prevents the tolerance of any light, any movement, any talking. Yes…days were it literally hurts to talk. Days I wish I were dead…just to get rid of the pain.
There are days she likes to tease me, where she lessens her grip, only to body slam me again. She laughs at my ignorance, at my hope that maybe..just maybe…relief will come, or that the migraine won’t worsen, that it might go away, my wish to die in my sleep…just so I won’t have to wake to her abuse.
There are doctors that assist those with cancer…to end their lives on their terms, with dignity. I am no way promoting death, suicide, or losing faith in the next minute, the next hour, the next day. However, I am 50. I am tired of the pain. And I am sad…because my life has been dictated by migraines, and so, as titled, it has been a non-life. I have accomplished nothing and have been a success at nothing. I live a life of isolation and intolerance.
It has not gotten better or more tolerable with age. In fact, the opposite is true.
I try to stay positive when I am feeling okay (like today)…but even today…I have a surface headache. And so I know Queen M is only sleeping…to rejuvenate so that she can, once again, put my head in her vice and squeeze and squeeze and squeeze.

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