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The Non-life

I am 50 years old and have suffered from migraines all my life. I can only remember as far back as elementary school…and only because of all the school I missed and all my days spent at Children’s Hospital. The continuing in-patient tests, EEG’s etc. The medicines that were given inaccurately. I would love to be able to contribute regularly on this forum, however, my migraines prevent consistency…and so, I know…that responsibilities, interests, work or lack of etc., are all at the mercy of my migraines. Those things must bow down and submit to my migraines…which go by the name…Queen M. “Queen M” =(copyrighted title/term).
Queen M rules supreme over my days and my life…ruling with efficiency to ensure that my days are lost…lost to excruciating pain, sometimes for a day…sometimes for 3-4 days at a time. Sometimes she gives me 3-4 days of relief before she forces me to submit again to her. Sometimes she is extremely selfish and only allows me 1-2 days of respite.
There are days Queen M prevents the tolerance of any light, any movement, any talking. Yes…days were it literally hurts to talk. Days I wish I were dead…just to get rid of the pain.
There are days she likes to tease me, where she lessens her grip, only to body slam me again. She laughs at my ignorance, at my hope that maybe..just maybe…relief will come, or that the migraine won’t worsen, that it might go away, my wish to die in my sleep…just so I won’t have to wake to her abuse.
There are doctors that assist those with cancer…to end their lives on their terms, with dignity. I am no way promoting death, suicide, or losing faith in the next minute, the next hour, the next day. However, I am 50. I am tired of the pain. And I am sad…because my life has been dictated by migraines, and so, as titled, it has been a non-life. I have accomplished nothing and have been a success at nothing. I live a life of isolation and intolerance.
It has not gotten better or more tolerable with age. In fact, the opposite is true.
I try to stay positive when I am feeling okay (like today)…but even today…I have a surface headache. And so I know Queen M is only sleeping…to rejuvenate so that she can, once again, put my head in her vice and squeeze and squeeze and squeeze.

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Comments

  • Charra
    4 years ago

    Naddie,
    I feel the same way. I’m 42, and have had migraines since I was 18, but have only had them chronically for the last few years. I understand the fight between suffering for days, praying to die, and trying to enjoy pain-free days when I know that I don’t have many to spare. The next one could come tomorrow and ruin my life again. I have children to play with, a husband to talk with, places I need to go, things I need to do. They ALL depend on whether my own personal migraine demon leaves me alone or not. I miss family outings, movies, playing outside with my 6 year old daughter. (I’ve missed half of her life and I hate my head every day because of it.) I’ve lost all of my friends, who must figure that there’s no sense in inviting me to anything anymore, since I’ll probably have to bow out anyway. My husband and 2 teenage boys are tired of having to do “my jobs”. They only make me feel guiltier than I already do. I always say that I hate myself, but I’ve learned that that really isn’t true. It’s what’s happening to me that I hate. I, too, am sad. Most people don’t understand what chronic migraine TRULY means. It means that we don’t get to live the life that we were supposed to. I’ve realized that, making plans may make me more depressed, since I tell myself that I most likely won’t be able to keep them. I decided that, if I wake up pain-free, I’m gonna do something. NOT laundry or clean the bathrooms. I’m gonna get my family gathered up and, with rescue meds in my bag (which may or may not work if I get hit), and we are going to do something fun right then. Park, zoo, hike, movie, I don’t care. And I don’t care if I may overdo it and get blasted later for it. Learning to live what life we DO have is the most important thing we can do for ourselves. It may not be the life we want, but it’s still worth living. Find your love for things again. It’s there, hidden by the awful queen. When she isn’t looking, run for the hills and have a heck of a time!

  • Katie M. Golden moderator
    4 years ago

    Naddie,
    Queen M is a horrible ruler! I know how crippling her reign of terror can bring!

    I know in times of endless pain, it can be hard to see the light or to recognize how your life could have been better if you didn’t have Migraines. I try so hard not to focus on that, but think about smaller goals that make me feel accomplished. I’ve started sending cards to my friends for no reason, but I know it makes their day. I may not be able to host a big party, but I can still connect with others in small ways.
    Do you have a passion, you’ve wanted to pursue? Is there a way to incorporate small aspects of it into your life? Finding the small joys in life can really improve your quality of life.

    Know that you are important. Your life does matter. Just being present on this website when you feel up to it, allows others to feel like someone else knows how they feel. There is comfort in knowing you’re not alone.

    -Katie
    Migraine.com Moderator

  • Jenn Lebowitz
    4 years ago

    Hi Naddie,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story here. It takes lots of strength and courage to share so honestly, and we appreciate your doing so.

    We want to commend you for reaching out for support here, and we would like to encourage you to reach out for as much support as possible in the form of local options as well. These include resources such as medical professionals, local support groups, or National Suicide Prevention Hotline if necessary, which can be reached by phone at:
    1-800-273-8255 or online with live chat at:
    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

    Additionally, we want you to know that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling. We thought a few articles might prove helpful: http://migraine.com/blog/did-ever-tell-about-the-time/ and http://migraine.com/blog/holding-on-to-hope/. We hope helps. We are thinking of you!

    Thanks again for sharing your story here, and for being part of the community. We welcome you to post here any time.

    Warmly,

    Jenn (Community Manager, Migraine.com)

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