Please plan my wedding (or let me elope)

Here's another thing that is completely incompatible with chronic migraine: wedding planning.

I'm in my late thirties and engaged for the first time. I manage to hold down a full time job, despite having a migraine pretty much every single day of my life. I have a fiance who is wonderfully understanding and sympathetic of my condition, the horrifying number of medications I take, the botox injections, the nerve blocks, the alternative diets, the ear plugs I wear during movies, the sunglasses I wear even indoors, the sensitivity to smells to the point where I dictate what kind of deodorant he wears, and finally the tears that come (often) when I reach the point of despair.

Planning a wedding is headache-inducing even for non-migraineurs. For me, it's agonizing, and my migraines (and digestive issues, and anxiety, and other issues) have increased tenfold. If I have to endure months and months of this, it will be the end of me. My attempts to make the process less stressful are thwarted by family members whose big-wedding-expectations are completely out of touch with reality--my reality, the reality of chronic pain and illness, however invisible--and I'm caught between feeling justified and feeling like the poorest excuse for a human being that ever was because I'm JUST NOT UP TO THIS. And what should be a happy and fun time is turning into anything but.

Life changes, even good ones, are toxic to this migraine brain of mine. I hope I can get to a place where I feel somewhat back in control of things, some place of normalcy and routine that my body and brain crave. The sooner I get there, the better. I only hope I don't alienate any family members along the way. And I hope I can show myself the same acceptance and forgiveness I look for from others.

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