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Reluctant Pain Warrior

I never asked for this,
Never wanted it
But it slammed me down
And broke my spirit

Endless days of agony and despair
Loss of friends and relationships

Lying in the dark;
Alone
Not much different than being dead

Did I die and not remember?
Am I in an endless hell loop?

Hope and happiness have deserted me
Oh how I want to be free
How I need to be free

Wrestling daily with ending the pain;
Could I,
Would I,
inflict so much sadness and trauma on my family – just to get relief?

Therefore I must become a Pain Warrior
To suffer out of love for my family
And I celebrate the tiniest victories

But I’m not sure if I can do this indefinitely
Am I being punished for some sin? I’m truly sorry

I don’t ask for much
yet relief is tragically elusive
I’d pay any price to be free of this burden. But relief is not for sale. Not to me.

Even the strongest, bravest warrior knows when to wave the white flag
But no one sees mine

So I must become a Pain Warrior out of love and to ensure the future health and happiness of my family; therefore I AM now a Reluctant Pain Warrior.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The Migraine.com team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Comments

  • deedeevee1
    5 months ago

    Agreed!!

  • SanFrancisco author
    5 months ago

    THANK YOU!! To everyone that has replied with such compassion and love. You will always be in my prayers. It’s amazingly helpful to hear that others are going through the same horrible hell as I am. If I ever find something that really helps, you all will be the first to know. I’m trying to schedule a consultation with a local company that provides stem cell therapy it’s very expensive (about $25k for the first treatment – ugghh) but if it even might work, I’m going to try it; assuming they will accept me – apparently they need copies of some very specific medical records before they decide… but Thank you to everyone on migraine.com; I’ll keep fighting like all of you amazing pain warriors!!

  • lightweaver
    5 months ago

    Wonderful!

  • Smoochykins
    5 months ago

    Dear San Francisco! You’re not alone, however this hell that we all face, would have you believe it! Don’t give up or in, don’t let the ugliness, be the only thing you see! I definitely have had to start over, a blank slate, relearn how to live a life with limitations, and I do it the best I can! When I have time that I feel good, I fill it with something I love to do, hang out with my grand babies! Don’t worry you will NEVER BE ALONE! There are millions of us, and with each story, you will find a common ground!
    Hang in, live each minute at a time, and reach out when you feel lost, we all have your back!!

  • AimeeD
    5 months ago

    You’re sentiments are a direct echo of my own thoughts. It’s heartbreaking to have such morbid thoughts, but it’s even more morbid to live this life in such agony.
    I’m sorry you understand this life of ours so well, but you aren’t alone.
    Thanks for sharing.
    South of the bay, Aimee

  • Allyson.Ellis moderator
    5 months ago

    What a wonderful and poignant expression of your migraine journey, SanFrancisco. I hear the agony, the pain, the reluctance and acceptance to keep fighting, keep living with migraine. It is cruel how much migraine steals from life and the life you want to be living. Thank you for sharing your words with the community. Wishing you a gentle day. ~Allyson (Migraine.com team)

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