How Do You Excuse Yourself?

By Holly Harding

1 min read

It’s happened to all of us. A migraine is coming on and we’re in a situation that’s difficult to extract ourselves. How do we get out of it to start caring for ourselves?

Why is it so hard to just say “I’m so sorry I’ve got a migraine coming on, I’ve got to excuse myself”?

In this video, Holly asks the hard question of why we have such a hard time stepping away from interactions when we’re in pain and offers some new ways to think about this challenge.

In the comment section below please share how you handle this situation so we can learn from you.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The Migraine.com team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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mrs-doyle Member
Things I have said: -“I realize this is rather abrupt and an interruption to our plans, but I need to excuse myself. Thank you for understanding.” -“If you’ll please excuse me, I’m not feeling well. Thank you for understanding, I will follow up with you soon.” -“Thank you very much for the invitation to coffee. Unfortunately I need to reschedule, would [day & time] work for you? I appreciate your understanding.” I don’t owe anyone explanation for excusing myself, nor do they owe me, and some might not even care the reason. They may be curious, but it’s really no one’s business but mine. Depending on the relationship, timing, and setting, the details I share or don’t share vary, but the biggie for me is rather than apologizing I thank the person. I do this for two reasons. First, I would never expect anyone with [any health condition] to apologize for the misfortune of needing accommodations to manage their well being. Apologies are for when I do something wrong. If I have done something wrong and I’m to blame I will absolutely apologize sincerely, but I don’t apologize if I did nothing wrong. Migraine disorder and episodes are not something I did wrong; inconvenient and frustrating for me and others, absolutely, but not needing apology. Second, thanking a person for their time/understanding/assistance acknowledges their giving in a way that feels more true to what’s happening. It shines a flattering light on them as being compassionate. My experience has been most people prefer getting that boost reflected back at them. “I’m sorry,” is a phrase that often gets used casually without thought (and sometimes as meaningless) as “Um,” or “Like,” or “Ya’ know…”; it’s just a fluffy filler, habit of speech patterns. Sometimes I’ve used it to garner reassurance rather than speak the truth beneath; I am feeling vulnerable at the idea of disappointing someone and the potential for shame, blame, and other negative consequences. The truth is I am grateful for understanding, and also I may be disappointed in plans changing, and also may be worried of negative opinions, but I’m doing nothing wrong worthy of apology in choosing to take care of myself. The back and forth “I’m so sorry,” followed by, “No, no, it’s okay,” social dialogue dance that plays out is tedious to me. I recognize different cultures/subcultures have nuances to this dance that can be significantly important in formal settings; I’ve come to realize though, that these are not environments I want, or need, to be part of. If people get their knickers in a knot, their bloomers get bunched, their pearls clutched with a gasp, because I excuse myself and thank them for understanding, I am given a huge alert that this is not a relationship I will be investing in. It might sting, but in the long run the information is a gift. And no, this has not been easy. I rehearse in my head over and over when I bump up against the social conditioning that taught me I’m supposed to defer my comfort, wants, needs, boundaries out of fear of offending someone or rocking the boat. Learning to say “No,” has been one of the more difficult tasks of transforming a lifetime of conditioning. As has been learning not to over-explain (which as you can guess by the length of this response hasn’t taken root as well as saying no, ha!) My 4 most common phrases: -“Please excuse me, thank you.” (Walk away) -“No, thank you.” (Repeat as needed, or walk away) -“I’m disinclined to acquiesce to your request.” (-Pirates of the Caribbean; the confusion buys me escape time) -Pointing off to the side, “Look! A tree!” Turn and walk the other way. (This is great when stuck talking to someone’s drunk cousin at a wedding.)
1. DonnaFA Member
 Hi @Mrs-Doyle, Thank you for sharing this! It is absolutely brilliant and incredibly empowering! We shouldn't need "to apologize for the misfortune of needing accommodations to manage their well-being. (I adore that phrasing!), and that mindset is very freeing from the guilt many suffer. -Warmly, Donna (team member)
2. Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="mrs-doyle" user-id="3838762"/> As always, I'm grateful for and educated by your sharing. I especially resonated with your mention of being exhausted by the tedium that can occur during an exchange where people are trying to be overly polite when the bottom line need is just to extract oneself from a given situation. I believe that becoming comfortable in declining invitations or canceling plans without apology is ultimately empowering and a sign that we are shedding the unhealthy guilt that so frequently goes hand in hand with this disease. So, bravo to you, and thank you for sharing your wisdom with us! Warmly, Holly (migraine.com team).
Melissa Arnold Community Admin
HOLLY. My gosh, I love this. This conversation stirs up all kinds of things for me -- most particularly all of the ridiculous social expectations we place on ourselves and on one another. Why? For what? Why is it socially unacceptable to be a human with limits? I love your willingness to think out loud with us in the community. We all benefit from your honesty. My go-to: "I'm pretty tired today, so I've got to get going. I'm sorry to dip out early, but I'm really glad I came," or similar. A compliment lets them know that I still liked being with them or (in more formal settings) appreciated working together, etc. I try to be as genuine possible about that so my exit falls a bit softer on their ears. 😀 But thank you, thank you, thank you for the reminder that it's OK to go home when you need to, or, hell, when you want to! I need the refresher often. Have a good week! -Melissa, <a href='http://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team
1. Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Melissa Arnold" user-id="3827796"/> Love this, Melissa. I do love our community as a place to brainstorm and learn from one another. It is really such a gift. This is indeed a rich discussion happening here. It is helping me see how far along I've come in all my decades with migraine. No longer tied in knots over feelings of guilt (which would relate to feeling a sense of fault). For me, it's more struggling with the logistics of untying myself from plans. I think in general, and here specifically, less is generally more when it comes to what is said. Keeping it simple and straightforward helps to avoid awkward interactions. I like your go-to and am trying myself to avoid apologizing as that makes me feel guilty, negative and as if I've done something wrong. Thank you so much for sharing. Warmly, Holly (migraine.com team).
CommunityMember349 Member
 Thank you for having such a bold approach to the problem Holly and everyone for having such a positive kindness to ourselves. Migraine, no matter what other people think, isn't something we are doing wrong. It's not something we can turn off and on. We are not simply being :high maintenance: or wanting attention as I have been accused of in the past. (After all, just take an excedrin like everyone else and you will be fine, right?) I haven't found a good response for myself yet. I have lost a lot of friends since I started dealing with Migraine and TN in 2012. Too many missed appointments, too many times saying "I'm sorry, I just can't today" and friends start to drift away. I have heard "you look fine" so many times I may scream. No you can't see migraine (at least not most of the time) but that doesnt make it any less than any other disability. There are a few friends who have taken the time to understand, and I treasure them beyond measure, but for many people, no matter how polite you are they assume that you are blowing them off and stop communicating. If I think I can manage it, I will push forward and go as long as I can. Sometimes this has backfired on me, I end up looking and being miserable and people have assumed it was about them. (Because everyone is the center of their own world, it is human nature.) I have actually made decisions in the past along the lines of "yes I will be miserable for days afterward, but I really want to see this person so I will go anyway." It's a hard path to walk, and the different situations can't have a one size fits all answer. I am slowly moving towards seeing myself as letting others down to a place of kindness for myself as well as others, but I admit it is taking a long time. 
1. Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="CommunityMember349" user-id="4695612"/> It really is a long journey - coming to a place of peace and acceptance on this front. I'm with you on choosing pain sometimes so that I can experience life to its fullest. Sometimes the "get" is just too big and worth it even though I know the repercussion will be major. I hope that is the signal of a well-informed person with migraine - to be able to make those choices rather than to have them happen accidentally or randomly. Seeing ourselves as embracing compassion and acceptance - increasing our understanding and wisdom related to migraine can be very empowering. We begin to see the condition as something that is not our fault. It's something we learn how to live with and manage. This process is never-ending and an evolution. So glad to be sharing learned wisdom so that we can learn from one another here. Grateful you are with us. Warmly, Holly (migraine.com team).
2. Melissa Arnold Community Admin
 <inline-mention username="CommunityMember349" user-id="4695612"/> I love and appreciate how candid you are. Be patient with the journey -- unfortunately, sometimes it takes a lifetime to unlearn the unhealthy beliefs we can pick up. It really is a marathon and not a sprint. We're here for you! -Melissa, <a href='http://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team
katetyndall Member
As a journalist, I generally soldiered on through, unless I was working at home. Having a high pain tolerance helped make that possible. In social situations, I find it a lot easier. I just excuse myself privately to my host, with a simple, I'm so sorry to miss your fill-in-the-blank, but I've got a migraine coming on and need to leave. Nowadays, I just assume people have good manners and compassion. When I was younger, I might well have stayed, but 49 years of migraines have taught me a few things!
1. Melissa Arnold Community Admin
 <inline-mention username="katetyndall" user-id="3784210"/> Nice to meet a fellow journalist on here! It seems that soldiering through is the nature of the business no matter what one's issue is. If you are comfortable sharing, I'm curious about how your migraines were handled by your editors and coworkers. And a newsroom is so florescent and unforgiving. I hope the rest of the week is a decent one for you. -Melissa, <a href='http://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team
2. Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="katetyndall" user-id="3784210"/> Isn't it wonderful when we gain confidence and wisdom along the way such that we can state our needs without apology and leave when we need to? Good for you for being able to be clear. Interesting that your journey related to excusing yourself varied at your workplace from that in social situations. There are so many other kinds of pressure at play when we're at work. Does your assumption that people have good manners and compassion apply to the workplace as well? Warmly- Holly <a href='http://-migraine.com' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer ugc'>-migraine.com</a> team.
katetyndall Member
Good question, Holly. Does my assumption re good manners and compassion apply at work? I don't know, because I never gave my colleagues a chance to find out. No one at any of my workplaces ever knew I had migraine. Journalism was also a rough and tumble business when I started and being any kind of less than was just not on. Mainly though I think it's because I was raised to soldier on, and not to put people out regardless of what was going on. It's also my own nature to not want to appear weak or unable to accomplish something. While I wouldn't make those assumptions about someone else in a similar situation, to this day, when it comes to myself, I still find that mindset of mine hard to shake, even while realizing it has made things harder for me than they have had to be. What I will say about having migraine for 49 years now is that it has made me a very compassionate person towards others in all sorts of difficult circumstances well beyond migraine, and I do consider that a big plus. Only five people know I have migraine: two close friends, and three family members, including my late mother. Even those people, with the exception of my husband and mother, don't know the extent of it, because honestly, talking about migraine when I don't have a migraine is totally counterproductive for me—it's the last thing I want to talk about!—and when I do, well talking is beyond me. The one real exception to talking about migraine is speaking with someone else who has migraine. You know you're understand on a wholly different level, and that can be very helpful. Hi Melissa, it is nice to meet another journalist here. Your question about managing migraine in the workplace sent me on a journey back in time. I've been working for myself for many years, and so was able to manage my projects and my migraines better, thanks in no small part to getting hooked up with neurologists and, since 1993, having triptans, and then much later, other migraine specific drugs. When I was working for UPI and various other news organizations, there was always a certain tension at work, which was simply that you were constantly working under a deadline, whether it was hourly, or weekly, when I worked on a newsweekly, or monthly. In the latter case, my deadlines might be months ahead. But in any case, you are always working ahead. Looking back over time, I realized that my migraines always, without exception in those years, exploded either on weekends, or during vacations, or, in the first decade of working for myself, they exploded once the deadline was over. I use the verb exploded with precision, because they literally did just that once the actual deadline was over. Yes, it took me decades to notice the link. Call me slow. With a migraine, I was just looking for relief, not charting a history. Which I should have done. But we know a lot more now. 
1. Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="katetyndall" user-id="3784210"/> Fascinating how your compassion for others has increased due to migraine yet your compassion for self - in terms of your ability to let yourself off the hook, for lack of a better term - is still a challenge. Those ingrained dynamics we all have from a young age - related to toughing it out - wanting to appear strong, etc- can be very hard to shake and are deeply and repeatedly challenged by a condition like migraine. I find that particular dynamic- that of not wanting to appear weak is particularly interesting. We feel sick, we sometimes must cancel plans, we are nauseated and literally feel weak, after all. I'm working to turn that idea on its head - to focus on how migraine has made me strong. All that this condition has asked of me - how it has made me dig deeper than most - how much tougher all of us with migraine really are for having navigated the world with this kind of pain pushing down on us. As you said, a good way to get there is to think of others. For some reason, we are all harder on ourselves and more compassionate toward others. You have quite a family history of migraine, by the way. Was your mother open about the challenges the condition presented to her? I'm sure <inline-mention username="Melissa Arnold" user-id="3827796"/> will be interested in your comment as well. Warmly, Holly (migraine.com team). 
2. Melissa Arnold Community Admin
 <inline-mention username="katetyndall" user-id="3784210"/> Gosh, I hear you. I freelance now (my primary work is here), but I will never forget the pressure I felt in the newsroom to never show weakness. I do not have migraine, but I do have my own set of issues, as we all do. Your post-deadline explosion sounds very much like "letdown migraine" caused by the peace that follows intense stress. Don't fault yourself for not knowing or charting. We're all just trying to get by, right? I hope it's helped inform your migraine management now, though. Take care of yourself! -Melissa, <a href='http://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team

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