Why it's Easier to Give than Receive Compassion

By Holly Harding

1 min read

In this video, Holly encourages us to think about why it's easier to give compassion and kindness to others than to receive it. We often extend warmth and understanding to friends and family members but are so hard on ourselves. When a friend comes to us in distress and is feeling as if they are coming up short or are struggling with feeling judged, we often know just what to say to help them feel loved and supported. However, when the tables are turned and migraine is causing us to miss out and make us feel less than, we struggle to access self-compassion.

Do you find this to be a challenge for you? Are there any strategies you employ to help you become more kind and compassionate toward yourself while navigating migraine? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below so that we may learn from you.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The Migraine.com team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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azreynolds Member
Geez Holly, I think I just made myself feel bad because I don't seem to do that to myself or others. Wait, let me rephrase! What I mean is I'm more of a cheerleader, encouraging myself to push through when I think I can't. But I also allow myself mini-breaks throughout my day as needed to prevent extreme spasms and pain. And when The Dark Room is required, I actually enjoy the absolute quiet and peace that I force myself to find in my meditation and quiet music. I give in to the medication that's needed and anticipate the calm that passes over me as the meds hit my system. It's so rare that I allow myself to give in, so when I do, it's sort of like going on a retreat. Maybe it's because my hubby offers so much support with absolutely no judgment, therefore giving me freedom to just hide away. When I get to my limit, I just yell out "I'm done!" and he steps in and takes over. Yet, by balancing my house chores, cooking, and baking, I manage to manage pretty well.👍 But with all the pain our family has experienced the last 3 years, emotionally (from losing 2 dear famiky members); physically (from all siblings breaking bones in falls which at our age means long rehab times), and migraines popping out on one sister, I listened as carefully as I could But I also encouraged them to get back up and start living their lives again. Losing one's spouse put my sister down into depression, but finally she's pulling forward, getting out and making new friends. (I'm a bit jealous of that since I can't be around people thanks to the fragrances.) My brother on the other hand has enrolled in motorcycle mechanics school, so we're "harrahing" him on. However, his wife took 7 years to die from Alzheimer's, so completely different situation from my sister's husband's passing. So I guess I try to offer comfort, but still try to get everyone to see how blessed our lives really have been, in spite of loss, inspite of pain, we have very wonderful lives compared to so many others. And this same approach is how I've lived my life the last 5 years. Not giving in, but finding joy inspite of the pain and sorrow. So am I weird, or have all those decades of therapy, meditation, reading and prayers finally paid off? Who knows?! I know when I had a job, I was always the one they gave unfinished projects to, saying, "Give it Ann. She'll finish it on time." Because I pushed myself so hard, and it made me angry because I had so many chronic pain issues that they just ignored. And yes, back then, I would be upset with myself for wanting to stop due to extreme pain, but I knew I couldn't or the job wouldn't get done. Then, ofcourse, the migraines would follow, make me miss work, and eventually I lost my job. But now that I control my life, this doesn't happen anymore. I know there's always time to catch up eventually. And so what if it doesn't get done! So is that compassion for myself, or just a bit of laziness?! Lol.
1. Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="azreynolds" user-id="3677307"/> I certainly don't think you should give yourself a hard time for not doing this, Annzie! I think it's likely a good sign that you are passed this lesson! It's not something you are struggling with because you've worked through and passed it so you're okay with not giving yourself such a hard time - or overdoing it in supporting others if you don't have that in you either. So, I say, bravo to your progression! You're an inspiration, as usual. Thanks for sharing your wisdom- and good, as always, to hear from you! - Holly (migraine.com team).
kateymac Member
Hey Holly - I do have a hard time being kind to myself, nowadays. I think that this pain-and-neuro-show has hit a wall, sending my fatigue wayyyy up. Springtime, too, makes me feel so inadequate that it’s hard to slow my mind down, and stay grounded. Everyone is so happy that it’s spring. They say to me: oh it’s a great day! - You need to get out there, … fresh air is good for you… did you get outside today… blah blah blah. I know it’s caring, in a way, that people say this, but it still leaves me thinking I SHOULD get out, when I can’t. Then my mind freaks off into the bazillion OTHER things i SHOULD be doing. So then there’s no space in my mind & heart to breathe and be kind about my limiting health. I need a little break from people. I need to find skills that will help me protect myself from others’ opinions or something. I’m so glad to have seen your post today, as today has been hitting me hard. I’m just not sticking up for myself. Thanks so much for discussing the importance of self care and kindness. Kate 🌷
1. Melissa Arnold Community Admin
 <inline-mention username="kateymac" user-id="3784217"/> My tag didn't work so I'm trying again! See above. -Melissa, <a href='http://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team
2. kateymac Member
 <inline-mention username="azreynolds" user-id="3677307"/> Your words, here, are soooo important. I’m likely to put much of that first paragraph into a journal. It’s so clear and direct. Just what I need when I let stress and pressure muddy the waters - clarity!
mrs-doyle Member
Being compassionate with myself… this has been a tricky one for me in so many ways beyond migraine. I think the big changes around this happened for me when I looked at the words I was using. The common cultural tendency in professional and casual discussion is to say a person needs self-love, self-compassion, self-care, etc. Phrasing it as a noun, like something you can just go grab on your market list and now you have it so you “should” see results. It feels like it has a set up of hidden expectation in it that if I just get the right brand of self-compassion in my grocery cart, it’s solved. When I changed the phrasing to a verb, a doing, like loving myself, taking care of myself, being in a moment of compassion for myself, then it had a different feel; it allows room for the doing it, even if it isn’t perfect. I remind myself that I didn’t start out playing Flight of the Bumblebee on the piano, it took lots of practicing, lots of doing scales and Row Row Row Your Boat, lots of wrong notes mixed in with right notes. Just keep building from where I get it right and soon enough I have a new song to play. Also, I find I really have to check myself on expectations. If I have expectations that I don’t feel I’m meeting, I then have disappointment, which can spiral into shame, blame, and a whole vortex of discontent for perceived failures. It’s taken a lot of practice and reflecting with myself on what the expectations are and where they come from. Am I disappointed because I was expecting to enjoy an outing? and now am hiding in my cave with a migraine and I “should” have a perfectly functioning body? or I am failing by some definition of living the best life? or do I feel like a disappointment because cultural expectations are I “should” bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, run a side hustle, and only allowed positive vibes? I give space to myself to allow for the disappointment of missing out on something I was looking forward to and had to miss. That’s being compassionate to myself by allowing the hard feels so they can pass. No, it doesn’t feel great, but neither does lying to myself that it’s all fine, just think happy thoughts B.S. Sometimes life sucks. You get the bad burrito and you have to let it pass through your system; trying to stop the process of processing that bad burrito just prolongs the suffering (literal or metaphorical bad burrito). I push back hard on expectations of others and culture on the “shoulds”. This is another place where shifting the words shapes the experience differently for me. “Should” is the past tense of “shall.” (“You shall blah blah blah.” to “You should have blah blah blah.”) When I can identify the expectation that is a “should” I restate it in my head in the voice of an overly prim and proper, mega fussy, high maintenance bossy pants. For example In a shrill, stuffy voice of someone who thinks they are royalty, “You shall do the dishes. You shall go outside and enjoy the sun, damn it! You shall get out of this room and go be a proper friend at that party. You shall go do the heavy lifting at the office because you are accountable and the team is incompetent fools who will destroy the world if that project is an hour late and you aren’t there to do it properly.” Stating the expectations that aren’t mine, but put upon me by others and culture, in the fussy britches voice makes it easier for me to recognize this truth: I am not accountable for regulating other people’s emotions, expectations, or experiences; they are adults, or close enough, and can do that for themselves.* Giving expectations their proper place frees up so much energy to hold myself tenderly, to take care of my needs, to nurture the confidence in how much better I will be feeling when I’m on the other side of this migraine/bad burrito. So, all that rambling to say, at least for me, changing the language and identifying expectations has helped transform how I express compassion for myself during difficult moments. *(small children = different needs, but they can be provided with information on what can be expected from me during an attack; are much better than adults at that boundaries/compassion stuff; and it’s good modeling on taking care of oneself. I have surprise ‘fun bags’ set up for my niece and nephew the same way I have my migraine kits set up for me. When they were younger they would often ask if I was sure I didn’t have a migraine and would start tending to me in hopes of the goodies inside.)
1. kateymac Member
 <inline-mention username="mrs-doyle" user-id="3838762"/> - I’m crazy about the plan of using the voices of BossyPants and FussyBritches. That kind of thing really works for me - the images and humor send my brain down a very different pathway, bypassing those critical thoughts so I can get real. I love so much of what you wrote, here; but putting my criticisms into the mouths of such characters - that’s migraine gold to me. Thanks for that!
2. Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="kateymac" user-id="3784217"/> So glad this works for you too! <inline-mention username="mrs-doyle" user-id="3838762"/> really did compose and offer a goldmine here in what she wrote. Thanks for sharing how it connected with you. I relate to what you said about humor and imagery being a huge asset in navigating migraine. All the best to you. Holly (migraine.com team).

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