How to let friends know why you can’t socialize?
I have intractable migraine and have been close to incapacitated for 70 days straight. A kind, well-meaning, loyal, but non-migrainer friend really wants to help me. However, she is now pushing her agenda of me staying over with her and going away for the weekend. I’ve told her I really cannot but I think she believes that getting out will be good for me, especially if I “ just take an Uber”. I don’t think I can go and if I did I would just be sobbing the whole time. There is zero chance that I will be able to go away for the weekend until/ unless I can break this current cycle. She just does not get it. The mere thought of an obligation like just just causes me massive stress, the only trigger I have ever identified. How can I send the message I need to without hurting her feelings or turning her away? I’m doing so much just by being there for my psychotherapy practice clients and just getting through the day. I can’t take on her stuff 😰😰😰
managing relationships with migraine is not easy. It sounds like you have a friend who cares about you deeply and has great intentions. I think it's easy for people on the outside to think that it's just a matter of getting out of a "funk." Like a girls weekend or change of scenery could fix. And in some cases that may be true, but it's certainly not the case for all, or most. I think the important thing to keep in mind, which I'm sure you're already doing is that she's seeing her friend struggle and she doesn't know how to help you, so she's doing it in the only way that she knows how. It's unfortunately not the way that you need or want to be support right now. If it were me, I would try to think about how I do need to be supported right now. Because at the end of the day, I'm guessing that's what you both want. So, how can she best support you? Is that with an occasional text check-in just to let you know that she's thinking of you? Do you want her to visit you for an hour and maybe bring some of the foods that you can tolerate right now? Do you need a ride to a doctor's appointment? There are lots of ways, but it's important to think about what would be most helpful for you and would be appropriate for your relationship with her. I think it might be easier to then have the conversation with her that, you really appreciate her concern and invitation for the weekend getaway. It means a lot that she sees you struggling and is offering support, being seen at a time like that means a lot. And you do need her support, but it's just on in the form of going away. What would be most helpful for you right now is... (whatever you idenitfy), and perhaps you can do the weekend getaway in the future, but right now this is what you need.
These are just my personal thoughts of how I might respond. Please take what resonates and leave anything that doesn't. But I do hope that you find something helpful here. We're thinking of you and hoping that you get some relief soon!
Best
Alene, Migraine.com Team Member
