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I just need to talk to someone.

I really just need to get a few things off my chest that I feel I can't tell anyone else. I decided to share it here because I figured some (or most) of you would know what I'm going through.

I don't know what's worse about migraines. The pain or the feeling that your life and body just hate you. I can't really tell if this depression I'm experiencing is because I'm in pain so much or because I keep getting my hopes up every time I have a good day.

It's been a week since my last migraine until today. I normally have a migraine daily or almost daily, so that is VERY good.I was kinda upset, thinking I'd have to call the headache specialist (that I find thanks to this site, by the way) and cancel the appointment with her in March. I feel that it's hard to be taken seriously when you don't have a constant issue. I have so many family members that struggle every day because of their issue. How can I prove that my problem is that bad when I have days that I feel perfectly fine?

Well, I have another migraine today. Again, I don't know what's worse, the pain or depression that comes with it. I've been very busy lately, no time to myself. I had a presentation all day yesterday. Early morning. Miss breakfast. Had to have 3 different caffeinated drinks (one of them a soda) to try to stay awake. Hell, that's probably why I've had a good week. The amount of caffeine I needed to get through my days without passing out. Last night I felt sick, so I had another late dinner, food sometimes settles my stomach, but I feared the worse. I do sometimes get migraines without the pain. All of the other horrid symptoms of nausea and vomiting.

Because of my day yesterday both being sick at early in the morning and the not having a break for days, I decided to have an easy day. Well that worked out REAL well. Around 1 I started to get a headache. I thought it was just a headache. Around 3 I realized it was persistent. I took a nap, probably from the stressful day yesterday, 6am to past midnight takes a toll on your body. Around 5 I'm realizing this headache is turning into a migraine. Not unusual. Take my medicine. Around 7:45 now, and I'm still in pain.

The worst part, crying makes it worse. I think it's because it adds a sinus headache on top of the migraine. Most people that have chronic pains can just cry. Sure, it doesn't help, but you get to experience your emotions. You're always taught to experience your emotions. I, on the other hand, can't have that luxury. Because that only adds to my problems. I have never felt so betrayed by my own body.

And what's worse, you may have noticed that my medicine isn't working anymore. I'm probably going to have to go back to the doctor for either a stronger strength or to try something new. I struggle to find medications that work, so I'm really worried about that. Plus the side effects of what I take (in the case I go up a dose).

And when I go to the doctor to explain the problem (I'd probably bring my migraine log even if it's my primary care) they'll probably want an MRI. I'm not sure what you guys have dealt with, but I've had 2 MRI's in the past for migraines, not to mention the other ones I've had for my other health issues (migraines are the only chronic pain I've had). I mean it LOOKS bad. How often I have them. But what can I do? I NEED help, and I still have to wait 4 months.

I just... really needed to get it off my chest. People think the migraines are just pain. What they don't understand is how crippling the pain is. How bad it is. The other side effects of migraines. The other things that you have to deal with when they're chronic because they just won't go away.

I don't feel that my family understands. My sister has RA, so she's always at a 6 or 7 on the pain scale. My dad had pain due to his weight, so he has to go in for steroid shots. I understand how they feel on a fundamental level. I just feel that I can't complain around them because I do have good days. But I also feel that I can't manage because I can't cry. I can't physically show my emotions. No one will understand the amount of pain that you feel if you look stoic.

Plus because they're so common I can't cry about other things. I'm having a bad day, I can't be upset. I can't cry. Because I have a migraine. I feel that the only way I have to express my emotions is throguh language. Which means I cuss, A LOT. And now I look trashy because it's so deeply engraved into my language, but what do you expect me to do? It's the only way I can express how I feel anymore.

And yet no the bad days I can't help but cry. Be it because of the pain or the depression from the pain, I can't control myself. Which just makes me feel so helpless. I can't control the ONE things that should help the pain not become worse.

Never have I felt so helpless and betrayed by my own body.

  1. Just to add to my point, my migraines have lead to me to ponder something I've had in the past. I was in Italy (If you've ever been there, bubs, EVERYWHERE.) on a family trip. My allergies were bad there, and I couldn't stop sneezing. It was obnoxious, really. One day (the only day) I had any reprieve was I was visiting a church as a a tourist. I sneezed, and a nun said "God bless you." I didn't sneeze all day. I'm not a Catholic, but like it's been on ongoing joke since then. Not that I don't believe that something beyond my understanding happened there. It's the fact it's beyond my understanding that it's been a joke. IT was so incredible and unexplainable that I always called the nuns "magic".

    Well I'm really just thinking about going back, finding a random nun, and having them pray for me. I'm THAT desperate right now. Like, anything that has the slightest chance of working I want to try, and I'm so losing faith in the medical system to help me because it never HAS helped me. That's about how desperate I am. I want to spend way too much money, fly half way across the world, and find a nun to help because fuck it, nothing else is working. Might as well try something that will make any doctor that I visit think I'm crazy, because it always come to this at some point when I'm experiencing my migraine cycle. Last time I took a few vitamins. Seemed like a pseudo-science bullshit, and the look I get from doctors when I tell them is priceless, but it worked last time, you know? Like, I'm willing to go into the world of "bullshit" by medical standards because it's not like doctors can help.

    With both my migraines and my other chronic pains I'm so tired of doctors saying they can't find anything and just telling em I have to live with it. It's why I go to a chiropractor for my back pains even if it's risky and doctors consider it "wholistic bullshit". It may not make sense and be stupid, but I'm desperate and it's not like they can help. No one knows the cause of migraines.

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