Today my boss told me that people were getting frustrated because I wasn't reliable due to migraines. And basically told me I need to take a leave of absence. I also kind of got the feeling he was trying to tell me to quit. I know I'm lucky that they aren't trying to fire me and that they put me on intermittent Fmla instead.
But for years, when my migraines were just periodic, I was one of the most reliable and productive people they had. Boss acknowledged that, which is great. But I'm upset that after all those years of me covering for others they are frustrated about covering for me.
I get it. We already work in a stressful environment, and I just make it worse. I'd finally gotten to a point, though, where I could believe it was not my fault. I've lost plenty of sleep feeling guilty about being a burden. Why did my boss have to point it out?
Over the past couple of months I've mostly been getting a bit better due to starting Botox. But it wore off and the past couple weeks have been really bad. I'm scared my boss and coworkers are loosing patience.
It does make sense to quit. It's a loud environment that triggers and exacerbates my migraines. From a business perspective they are better off without me. And my reputation at work is now shot, so I'll never get anywhere there.
I'm not hireable right now though. Besides missing work migraines also make me dumber and more emotional. I feel like I'm not wanted it the world; I can't do anyone any good. I have so little self esteem left. I don't know who I am or where I fit in anymore. Migraines have shaken me in every way. If I quit I'd be so lost and not know what where to go. I feel so trapped.
Am I being selfish for not quitting? How do you even start to think about switching careers in this situation? Where do people with migraines fit in to the world? How do I contribute to the world? How do I survive?