How do I deal with this?

Hello bet. I am so sorry to hear of your struggles but I can assure you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! It is NOT all in your head, you are NOT crazy, and there are plenty of wonderful people here who fully understand the havoc migraines can wreak on your life, because we experience it firsthand. We all suffer differently, but what we have in common is that we all suffer. Sometimes it seems so hopeless - I have been there myself, so many times. I have even wanted to die in my worst moments, but ultimately I realize that this life is a gift, and I hope that somehow I can inspire others, even in some small way. I have lost a lot due to my chronic migraines, and I live in constant fear of the next attack - like you, I can never tell when they're coming. I have no auras, no triggers I can avoid or control, and I am surrounded by people who stigmatize my condition or just don't understand or even try to. I don't want anyone's pity, but I would appreciate a bit of compassion, and it's hard to find. No one wants to hear about it, no one realizes how bad it is, and no one realizes how it impacts pretty much every aspect of your life and sets limitations on what you can do. My own mother once asked me (after I'd told her about the slew of attacks I'd had in a short amount of time), "Are you sure they're all migraines? Maybe some of them are just headaches?" It was like being punched in the gut. I even stigmatize myself and carry around so much guilt about how my condition - something I didn't choose and cannot help - affects others. I push myself past my limits just to make others happy or because I have to pay the bills, and I suffer for it. It's a terrible thing to feel so trapped, helpless, and misunderstood on top of dealing with an invisible but very real and debilitating illness. We don't "look" sick, but we are. You can't force people to understand, but most of them are ignorant about what they have never dealt with, and so explaining to them that this is a legitimate neurological condition is often necessary. They need to be reminded that this is NOT "just a headache," you are NOT doing this to yourself by what you eat or how stressed you get, you are NOT imagining any of this, and just because it doesn't show on the outside that doesn't mean it's not there. Some people will then be supportive once they're more informed, but others may not. Hopefully you can get a network of support in your everyday life, but regardless of that, you definitely have one here. I empathize with you and I am here for you if you want to talk or vent. I have certainly wished for that enough times myself. I have felt so alone in this, and I don't want anyone else to feel that way. There are many types of migraines, everyone experiences them differently, and what works for one may not work for another, but please don't ever give up and don't ever stop hoping. You may see no end to your pain and fear, and I've been there too - so desperate, so sad, so angry and bitter, willing to do anything to make it stop. Migraines do tend to bring on the darkest thoughts, and sometimes they get the better of me. I have cried, screamed, hit things, even asked God why didn't he just let me die. I am still working toward acceptance even after 9 years, and some days I do better than others, but I constantly remind myself that it could be worse and every day, even a painful day, is a gift. Sometimes I don't believe that but I still try. I hope and pray that you find relief from your pain, peace instead of fear, and understanding from those in your life. As cliched as it may sound, we are all in this together. Best wishes to you.