The Burden of Being a Burden

Right now, I don't even know what to say. I just know something needs to be said or I'm going to sink into that black hole referred to so lovingly as depression.

I received a voicemail today stating that the job I started not a month ago has terminated my employment. I had hoped, considering my new boss "understood" what I meant when I said I have chronic migraine disease because "she had it too", that she would be a bit easier on my absences. I longed for that understanding and felt trust, for once, without having to work for it.

Turns out me being up-front with her didn't work, and I trusted too easily.

I'm not an idiot. I know that, logically, they can't have someone who randomly can't show up for their shifts. I get that with my migraine disease, fibromyalgia diagnosis, and my non-epileptic seizures that can happen whenever, I'm a walking liability. I just wish they'd be realistic and not hire me if they can't handle it.

I find myself hating me. Hating everything I can't do, all the stuff I can't eat, and let's face it, hating my genetics that made me like this in the first place. This was supposed to get better after I did what I was told. I've done nothing BUT what I've been told to for nearly 2 years. So many different preventatives. Figuring out that I can't even try any of the new medications because my migraines are too "complex". Not being able to try the one medication that MIGHT work because insurance sucks (even though I, sorry, my husband, pays nearly $400 every month). And yeah, I get it. Other people have it worse than me. Other people will always have it worse.

So here I am, typing nonsense.. thinking maybe it's important enough for others to want to read it. We'll see. All I know is, the last three jobs I've tried to push myself through have failed and it's starting to feel like I need to stop trying.

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