Migraine vs. Life

So, I never really thought that I would be asking myself this question when I started having migraines in high school.

I never thought I would have to ask myself, "My migraine or my boyfriend?"

I have been having migraines so much more frequently and I've had a boyfriend for over a year now. I love him to death but I feel like I'm cheating him.

Cheating ON him.

With my migraines.

I spend more days in bed with migraines than I do with him. I spend more time with my migraines than I do with him. I watch movies with my migraines, I sleep with my migraines, I eat dinner and hang out with my migraines.

I'm cheating on my boyfriend with my migraines and I feel like a monster.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. We're not even married, just been together nearly a year and a half. I love my boyfriend though and I want to be with him. Not with my migraines...

I feel like I can do this anymore. My migraines are ruling my life and I'm not even a chronic migrainer, nothing against those who are as I believe I'm headed that way.

I just wish... I just wish it would all end you know? I have prevention meds, Propranol and Gabapentin combined and Imitrex for an abortive, but even that has limits. But I don't want to be on pills all my life. I don't want to be getting shots or getting my dosage checked when I get pregnant or have to worry about what medicines I'm already on when I get sick...

I just don't understand it. I'm forced to have a relationship, hell an abusive relationship with my migraines when all I want is to live life like a normal 24 year old, living it up at parties and bars and not having to worry about what time I have to sleep at, about what time I have to take my pills at and how much should I drink or if I should drink at all because it might react badly to my medication. I should be able to eat all the food I want instead of worrying what will give me migraines.

I want it all to go away.

There are things I would wish on an enemy, but not migraines. Not the long time suffering that I've had to endure. I've lost two boyfriends because of my migraines and I fear I may lose another. Even if I apologize over and over again, it'll never be enough.

Because as long as I'm with anyone, I'm cheating on them with my migraines and I can never end it.

Just felt like venting a little.