Keeping The Hope Despite Pain!

Today I have literally done a bunch of nothing and that is exactly what my body needs. Being high functioning in many areas of my life like with depression and dealing with chronic migraine, I constantly feel a need to go, go, go. Which I have also been learning can be a trauma response.

It’s hard to simply sit in the present moment, not doing, allowing the thoughts and feelings to flow through. Sometimes when I simply stop is when I find myself getting worked up into anxiety attacks by the intrusive thoughts that replay over and over in my head. But today, I’m trying to slow down and remind myself that I don’t have to do anything.

Allowing myself to rest

It’s okay to acknowledge and accept the fact that the head pain is relentless right now. We don’t need to push through the pain today because everything can wait, it won’t be the end of the world - the paperwork that needs to be filled out, the dishes in the sink, the recycling piling up.

Dream: I wish I could have my best friends here right now simply laying on this bed beside me watching a movie with all our favorite foods and treats right there in front of us to snack on.

Reality: I’m laying here alone with both my @Releafpack ice packs deciding whether I’m gonna take another nap or actually make it through a movie. Tried to do art but felt uninspired and judgmental toward myself.

I’m simply grumpy and don’t know what my inner child even needs right now to be happy because I feel like this emoji right here :?

One treatment after another

We are weaning my body off one medication over the next 3 weeks then at the end of July, we are going to reevaluate with the headache specialist’s nurse. Since my migraine attacks started coming around then to when they become chronic in November 2019, we have tried over 55+ treatment options. Numerous ER visits and hospital in-patient stays. Even flew to Chicago to stay in patient at the Diamond Headache Clinic for two weeks in 2020. As my headache specialist says, “We are taking one step forward and two steps back, but I’m not giving up on you.”

Finding work when living with migraine

So today, I breathe, let myself feel the feelings, and remind myself that I am doing the best I can. I wouldn’t do all the things I have done if the pain wasn’t real no matter how much it feels like it’s “all in my head.” I have some deep thinking and self-exploration to do from here to figure out what my next move in life. I went from working full-time to not being able to find a part-time/per diem job to work around the chronic everyday pain. Constantly torn between telling employees upfront about migraine or hiding it like everyone else tells me I should.

I started the social security/disability process. Though I don’t think I will be approved, I am staying hopeful that their decision will be positive in 2-4 months when they give it.

It’s crazy how much chronic migraine can turn your world upside down and have you stuck comparing yourself to all that you used to be able to do before.