Imprisoned By My Own Head

I have had a continuous migraine for going on three years now. It started after I had 3 concussions in less than 6 months. I have a high pain tolerance, so I try to deal as much as possible. But as more and more treatments do not work, I am actually beginning to lose hope. I am 36 years old and I have had a hard life. I have survived many bad things from abuse to health problems to accidents. I have always prided myself on being strong. But now I feel weak. I feel like there are days when it is such a cruel irony to have worked this hard to overcome so much only for the pain to continue.

As you can probably tell I am depressed. I am not sure if this is from the severe anxiety of not knowing when the pain will become unbearable like it does most days, or that my family will see through the charade I play daily to avoid their worry, or that I will eventually completely lose myself. Whatever it is, it is breaking my sanity. I can feel a little bit of myself slip away everyday.

I am not who I was before this disease. I no longer feel in control of my own life. I feel like I am at the will of this disease and that infuriates me. I no longer plan things because what for? So I can cancel another vacation because the morning we travel I cannot get out of bed? Or half way through the movie I can run to the bathroom to vomit? My career plans gone, my personal plans gone, family trips gone.

My family life is strained also. For the most part they are supportive, but I see the disappointment and at times frustration when I am having another bad day. On real bad days my mind is foggy and I become very overwhelmed. I sometime act out in anger raising my voice to my family. I come off as such a bitter person. Total opposite of who I actually am? Was? I don’t even know anymore.

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