Sometimes I Make Plans

Sometimes I make plans.

I’ll feel okay one day and get a glimmer of optimism. Maybe I’ll be able to do something with my friend who’s in town this week. I’ll actually call her back and not ghost-like I usually do. Yeah, let’s meet up! There are so many great places for lunch in Sherman Oaks. Or wherever.

I can feel a migraine coming

And then that evening I feel it. That sick feeling looms...creeps through my neck, up the right side of my head. It’s so hard to describe but if you suffer from migraine you probably know what I’m talking about. Sometimes I get the visual aura, sometimes I get prodrome the day before where I’m beyond irritable, like a PMS rage typhoon. But sometimes the pain seeps through me like a fog. The whole right side of my body is weak, stymied by this dull, sick ache. The lightning bolt will come. Maybe it will be an ice pick. But I know I’m going to cancel.

Cancelling plans

I want to just disappear. I wish I could go back in time so I could not make any plans because the thought that I have to bail is so stressful. I would rather dig a hole, crawl into it, and stay there until the world stops. I want everything to just go away. I hurt. And I’m a sh*t person.

I text my husband at work. What do I do? Why do I get myself in these situations? I should know better. I just shouldn't make plans, ever. The only things I’ll be able to do again will have to be arbitrary and spontaneous. If I feel okay then quick! Let’s do something for twenty minutes before I need to lie down again. Really? This is my life now.

Migraine and mental health

I’m on so many medications it’s absurd. I’m on medications for side effects of other medications. I’m on meds for migraines and mental illness. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar I and II, major depression, complex PTSD, BPD, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, and dermatillomania. I mean. It’s been so long and I’ve had so many med switches that I’m not even sure which pills are for what. There’s some crossover with migraine and antidepressant/antipsychotic medication, which I suppose makes sense as it all occurs in your head. But this brew isn’t really working. I still have a lot of pain and I’m pretty damn miserable.

Recently my psychiatrist asked me whether I think my mood affects my migraines or my migraines affect my mood. Like it’s some chicken and egg thing. This question annoys me. I don’t think there’s a good answer. I wonder how it affects his assessment.

I would really love a reset. I’d love to just ditch all my meds and start fresh. Maybe it will be sh*t all over again, but at least I’ll know I tried.

Eventually I text my friend and tell her I’m not feeling well. I type, send, and place the phone face down. I don’t look at it again for a long time.