Desperate Caregiver

By rosalia

1 min read

My husband is 59 and we’ve been married for 23 years. He has suffered from migraine his entire life but in recent years, he has become so frustrated and angry during the migraine, that he screams, yells, and throws things. His last migraine lasted 10 days and was over Christmas.

Marriage and migraine

He has no income and I work from home so his behavior and reactions are becoming a huge obstacle. I’m considering divorce but feel guilty. I do have somewhere to go if I need quiet and often do so for my sanity.

Does anyone else have this type of situation? How do you cope and function? Thanks in advance.

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Melissa Arnold Community Admin
Hi, Rosalia. Thank you for reaching out to us. It takes courage and vulnerability to put your struggle out there. I'm so sorry to hear that your husband is not coping well with his migraines. We certainly understand the intensity of emotions that come with being chronically ill. We also know all too well how it can hurt our families, even when we cope well and respond appropriately to our loved ones. You are not alone and you are always welcome here in the community. As for what to do next, we are not mental health professionals, but I am deeply concerned with your husband's behavior. Has he been in contact with his healthcare team about his feelings? Additionally, I wonder if he would be open to counseling or a support group for people with chronic pain. In this era of virtual meetings there are many options available, including on social media platforms if he is open to that. As for you, I am glad you have a place to go. Do what you can to continue to take good care of yourself, including counseling if you are open to it. It seems you know this already, but you never have to accept behavior that is hurtful or dangerous. You are not in an easy situation and please know we are here for you. Sending hugs your way. -Melissa, <a href='https://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team
1. rosalia Member
 Thanks Melissa. It is good to know I am not the only one. I have done my own counseling and have encouraged him to do so, but he needs to take the steps. I can't do it for him.
2. Melissa Arnold Community Admin
 You're right about that, Rosalia. It's hard sometimes to wait for people to come around to things on their own, especially when we care about them. Hang in there. -Melissa, <a href='https://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team
migrainefree Member
Does he take anything for his headaches? Please read my story "How My Migraines Went Away".
1. rosalia Member
 He has been through neurology twice. Two years each. They tried everything. He now is prescribed dialadid tablets. I was unable to find your article. Can you provide a link? Thanks.
skiingisbelieving Member
I’m so sorry for your suffering. That sounds terribly difficult. I highly encourage you to check out the Stanton Migraine protocol for your husband. I was near chronic 2.5 years ago, and since starting this migraine protocol I have my life back. It involves a controlled but wonderfully varied diet, plus electrolyte management, and some other factors–I had tried every modification and elimination so I was skeptical at the start, but it is truly incredible. I rarely have a migraine and when I do I can abort it quickly without meds. The support group is full of people who were absolutely desperate and are now living full, healthy lives. I can’t post a link here b/c it usually gets taken down, but do a search and see if it interests you. I wish you all the best!
mrs-doyle Member
A few thoughts from my experiences that have resulted in outbursts with migraines... Have you looked at the potential side effects of medication(s) he may be taking? Sometimes we do just fine with a med for a time and then things just switch up and side effects hit us. I have had that happen with the same medication but from a new manufacturer. Formulations can vary ever so slightly between makers and % of active drug can have a big window of variance if one manufacturer was at the bottom of the allowable qualifying amount of active drug and a new manufacturer was at the top of qualifying active, it can be almost like taking 50% more. Our bodies can build tolerance/intolerance early on or after years of taking the same thing. A new medication might not play nice with others but not be recognized because it’s uncommon. Take a look and see if anything has changed with medications that might be in the same window that he had some changes. You said this has been building for sometime, but did he maybe start a medication that went smooth at first but overtime has become an issue? I have had moments of extremely ugly outbursts that coincided with some hormone imbalances from other issues, not monthly cycle, but continuous ongoing imbalance. It might be something to consider having a routine check-up of other things that can go wonky as we transition through life (my hubby likes to remind me that changing hormones are not just a thing women manage). Migraine changes us, both physically and emotionally. It can be traumatic, an ever present threat you never know when it will strike. Outbursts can be a symptom of PTSD and it is known that many health conditions can prompt PTSD of C-PTSD. I have had some of the most atrocious care experiences with medical situations and my anxiety goes through the roof, I’m a short fuse, nasty, etc. when I have the switch tripped around anything medical and it took some time to figure out that was what was happening sometimes when I feared having to get medical assistance or because the assistance wasn’t beneficial. There are so many possibilities for other conditions that have similar symptoms and migraine episodes may just be pushing them past a point, acting like fuel for another fire. Migraine episodes change brain structure, too, and not in any predictable way since we all get unique expressions of migraine. Has he had any imaging done? This is a hard place to be in. I’ve been on both sides and it sucks hard like a rock in both caring for challenging personalities and being the challenging personality. What has been his experience of the outbursts? Is he aware or kind of fuzzy? Does he have remorse but frustrated with not being able to control it? Has he said anything seems different than from before the nasty started? May the challenges you are both facing be quickly resolved with competent, compassionate, efficient care.
themiche Member
I agree with @Mrs.Doyle regarding medication side effects. Even though anti-depressants like nortriptyline and amitriptyline are effective against my migraine, I cannot take them because they destabilise me to the point that I become very angry and aggressive. They literally make me feel 'to kiil people'. Because so many migraine medications mess with serotonin, they can be the cause of those type of outbursts.