People think that the worst part about migraines is the pain, and they’re right. It is, mostly.
Here’s something I haven’t shared with my friends or family. I don’t want to worry them or bother them. It’s just, a fact of life for me suffering from chronic migraines.
The worst part of the migraine is the pain as well as other symptoms, yes, but it’s not the daily struggle of migraines. Eventually (sadly) you just get used to the pain every day an not knowing what to do about it. The actual worst part is the damage that the chronic pain wreaks across your emotional state.
I’ve always had a foul mouth, there’s no issue with that, but since the chronic pain it’s gotten worse. I’m just in a bad mood all the time. How can you not be? At some point it feels like your own body is betraying you. People try to throw miracle cures at you. It’s entirely frustrating enogh to just be in pain, but everyone either tries to “fix” you, as if you haven’t already tried everything out there, or they try to undermine what you go through, “It’s just a headache.”
Along with the constant bad mood on your “good” days (ie you can function even with the pain). The bad days are WORSE. Because you know why? It’s the worst pain you’ve ever felt. You can’t handle it. You can’t hold down food. You can barely get up. Even a completely dark room is too bright. You want nothing more to go out and be “normal” but you’re in too much pain. Your friends and family think that you hate them because you never hang with them anymore. This lasts for HOURS or DAYS or sometimes WEEKS. You feel so helpless, and what happens? It wears at you like sandpaper until you can’t handle it. Yes, that’s right. You experience depression. You don’t want to live in this state anymore. It destroys your emotional psyche.
What’s worse is when the bad migraine goes away. You may have a good day for a bit with no pain at all. It’ll be wonderful! Well, you’d think, but after having those “bad days” enough times it ruins the chances of a good day. Even without the pain, you’re just counting down the days until it happens again. Living in constant fear of it happening again. After a few days, you may even get your hopes up. Think maybe it’s gone. You’re cured! You don’t know how, but who cares? Right? And then the pain hits again. You’ve never experienced you mood go from so high to so low in one swoop. It almost breaks you. You hate yourself for getting your hopes up like that. You wonder what you did to deserve this. You wonder if this is your fault. And each time that happens, you just learn a little more to stay in that down state of mine. That depressed state of mind. Because it’s only going to happen again, why get your hopes up?
The problem with chronic migraines isn’t the pain or other symptoms. It’s the mood swings and depression. Having that chronic pain damages you, and no physical pain can ever compare to a worst pain ever migraine. Part of the pain is not even knowing what’s wrong or how to fix it, you learn to really hate your life. That’s the truth about migraines. That’s what I, personally, wish I could tell people when they tell me it’s just “another headache”, “Not that bad”, or “not a real illness.