What I Make Out of It, If I Can’t Make Out Anything At All

I know, I know. Too long a title for an essay. But it got me revved up like the engine of a Mercedes Benz.

Task switching

The time when I can’t make sense of anything at all is the time I should call it quits and rest for the moment until I start making sense even if only a tiny bit. But silly me frets and keeps trying to go along with it to do all the things I need. What ends up happening is that I switch between tasks and keep at it — the switching part — hoping I would be able to do something.

In the end, I may do some chores, walk, or watch movies. Movies are always the last resort when I feel like an infant — unable to do anything at all. I guess that’s why movies are extremely important to me. They keep me from going insane when I feel like my brain stopped working.

My personal mantra

When I can’t make sense of anything at all, I slouch back and battle the urge to not lose my mind. I hold on — my head somehow above water. How do I do it? I simply do. Keep trying — that’s the mantra.

I am not some gigantic, mindful, meditative saint. I am a fighter. I keep fighting. I don’t give up. That’s how it has always been. No real secret otherwise to keep my shit together. I may say here that rationalization is something that has helped me time and time again. So no matter what symptoms I have, I can rationalize based on my experience and insights and come to an agreement with the present situation to float and not drown.

My view on medicating

Is it any wonder that people, the ones who suffer like me, resort to taking a ton of pills advised by doctors? It is just to keep their sanity intact. It gets too difficult at times. Only this variety of activities helps me as I keep trying out different things to do. Otherwise, I am sure I would have gone for medications as well.

I would have resorted to things intoxicating my system to feel less of everything. I would have gone for unhealthy distractions. Smoking and drinking are other great intoxicating deeds I could cling to. I have seen some people during my hostel life trying their best to somehow keep breathing. They were definitely unable to bear LIFE. Whatever their problems may have been, I believe this is not the okay thing to do. Imagine what it does to people around you.

Once I met with a hostel mate sleeping on the floor of the washroom. I was terrified as I woke up in the morning and found him lying unconscious. When I woke him up, he was still in a drugged state. I was freaked out. I asked him later what made him take marijuana daily. He didn’t like the question and showed me the door.

No judgment

I believe I can’t judge someone if he has to cling to intoxicating substances to keep breathing. I don’t know what he is dealing with. He might be worse off than me. If he is okay with what he does to his body, I guess I should be okay with it as well. His life, his call. I don’t have the right to intrude.

On one hand, this person went towards harmful substances. On the other hand, I try to move away from toxins on a daily basis. It’s easy to lose oneself in such kinds of distractions.

What's been working for me

Ever since I started utilizing old Shivambu by drinking and applying it on my body, I see myself gearing lesser and lesser towards an unhealthy lifestyle when it comes to using products from the pharmaceutical industry, processed food industry, and FMCG industry. Nowadays, I hardly ever watch movies or web series when I am not having food. Since old Shivambu keeps decreasing multiple symptoms at a time. Shivambu effect on the aches — throbbing pain in the head and other areas has reduced a lot.

In general, I see ache symptoms lesser than earlier as long as I keep drinking old Shivambu. Applying it is effective as well in making me alert and lessening the pain sensations.
Whenever I stop utilizing old Shivambu, I see the pain symptoms increase along with many other symptoms.

Returning to the topic, the time when I can’t make sense of anything at all is the time I switch activities since I am barely able to do anything. I try to read something light which doesn’t require too much brain power to process. I have stopped gorging mindlessly, for hours at a time, on movies and web series, thanks to old Shivambu.