What life?

I'm 43. A young 43. For all intents and purposes I look totally fine. I'm seemingly healthy and take pride in my appearance. But I hurt all day, every day. And it has taken over my entire life. For the past 15 years, my severe headaches/migraines have become increasingly worse to the point where I'm in agonizing pain more than I'm not. I have a job that I love and a very active and involved family. Both require me to be present most days. But all I want to do is ice the back of my neck/head and sit in a dark room and cry.

I used to be social. I used to have a lot of friends who included me in on everything. I have become so reclusive and antisocial because I hate the idea of being miserable [out, at a party]. So, I just don't. The invitations have dried up. I feel sorry for my husband who definitely misses his fun wife. I don't even drink anymore because a migraine will immediately ensue. I miss having cocktails with friends.

Doctors have thrown up their hands. I've tried meds (preventative, triptylines, opiates), I just started birth control pills, injections (prolo, cortisone, botox), manual manipulations, biofeedback, holistic treatments, herbal remedies, pinterest hacks, I have a medical marij card and smoking definitely helps with the pain but I can't exactly do that at work or at my kids' school functions.

I'm depressed. I'm exhausted. I feel sorry for myself. I'm well aware that there's no relief in sight. There's been 15 years of failed attempts to quiet the pain. The double edged sword is sharp....be in pain 24/7 or try to obtain narcotic pain relief. If you do obtain it, you run the risk of becoming dependent (looking back, I probably did). So choose. Live with chronic, often-debilitating pain in your melon---whilst still managing to look completely healthy. Or, numb the pain and open yourself up to all the challenges that follow addiction and dependency. Not to mention, the terrible feelings and shame that I feel when I'm simply trying to escape the pain, via meds.

I'm getting blow back from my family. I've recently gotten some comments about how I've changed. Um, yeah. My pain is at a 6-7 most days. That'll change a person. And when it's not, I'm in a fantastic mood! So, then I probably appear to be a faker. My husband is too nice to admit that he's losing patience, but he is. Life goes on, without me. I'm afraid my kids (14 & 11) will look back on their childhood and will remember me missing so many fun things because mom had a headache.

I'm new to this site. I just wanted to vent to anyone who'd understand. If anyone feels compelled to reach out....if for no other reason than to say, "I get it." I would so, so appreciate it.

I'm feeling pretty hopeless and so depressed about the possibility of another 40 years of intense pain.

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