I just joined this site so my sincere apologies in advance if I say something I shouldn't or that's quite frankly, odd.
I'm an older teenager, haven't turned 18 as yet. I've suffered from chronic debilitating migraines since I was 12. For me, they are a disability. I was always an academic student. I have always loved studying and the studies loved me, apparently - as that reflected in my sterling grades for as long as I can remember. I've always been in the top 3% in my classes...and as I'm sure your imagination may take you, that all began to plumet following my diagnosis when I turned 13.
Suddenly, this bright spinning world from my young eyes came to a halt as I began to realize I couldn't do things like the other kids. I was too sick to go out on most weekends. I was too sick to do any of things I loved like Art or swimming. I was too sick to keep up with my friendships. It's like I was falling through a black hole and what made my entire life as a 13 year old girl built, collapsed onto myself.
Now, at 17 summers young, not much has changed if we simplify the devasting and soul destroying process of puberty and living with a chronic condition throughout these years. I'm retaking my GCSEs even because on the day of the exams, I had terribly severe pain and could barely look at the paper. Still, I did my best in all and got Ds, Cs, Bs and 3 A's. I'm hoping to do better this time round.
Yesterday, I had my first appointment with a particular and brilliant neurologist. He's marvelous, understands me and my illness completely and tries his best to reassure me I'm not alone as he sees children and young people everyday in similar situations as me. He also said I've began to suffer from 'cluster headaches' since last year as I explain what I've been tackling with. It's a rare rare occurrence, and such one that I should honestly count my blessings for, but I cannot cope dealing with cluster headaches in additon to migraines. I can kiss my A levels, my social life and all of my aspirations goodbye if they start to take hold of my life like these migraines.
But you see, the problem is I'm depressed. It feels like even if good things were to happen to me, which they do, I will always feel nothing due to how these migraines rip away the pleasure of it. For example, on the same day, within the same half an hour of being told I got into my #1 choice Sixth Form (which is extremely competitive and prestigious) I had invasive thoughts of wanting to fling myself in front of a train. It's just not working for me.
I don't know what I expect from this thread I've created. I know most of the answers that I'm searching for, remain unanswered and some of you have probably suffered more than me for a lot longer but I'm trying all that I can to get help and encouragement. I don't want to die but at this rate, honestly can't see myself making it to 21.
Thank you for listening to my story all this way if you have. It means a lot to me. You take care.
A desperate teen.