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Suicidal Migraineur

I feel ashamed just typing out the word suicidal. I've had migraines for over 2 decades, I'm 23. I can't work. It is fall now, my migraine season, so now the house is trashed because I can't even do simple housework. If my head is behaving for a few hours out of the entire week, I don't even feel like cleaning anymore. Its not due to laziness. It's due to hopelessness.

I don't see my headache specialist anymore because I've been on almost everything but Botox. Yes, that one medicine that has worked really well for your friend, I have tried and it didn't work. And no, I don't want to hear about how after you got knocked up your migraines magically went away. I don't want to try another medicine and have horrible side effects and pay out the @$$ for it since health insurance is nothing but a joke. I don't want to go to my doctor and listen to him tell me "Well, I can't control the weather." I've been to the best neurologists in the state, I have. They're pushy, don't listen to you telling them you can't handle the dose and don't care. I've been trying MY WHOLE LIFE to get better but I can't. I have no life. No ambitions. I make nothing of myself because all I am is some pale girl that stays at home her whole life because too much excitement like going to the grocery store can make her body become a sack of potatoes due to migraine. I feel ashamed. I feel useless. And I don't know what to do. Its a never ending cycle. I want to be good enough to have a life, a career, an education. But I don't see it ever happening. I've failed at so much in my life, I'm scared. I'm so scared that I'll always be like this. I'm scared to wake up in the morning and feel the pain, the dizziness, the weakness on the left side. I just recently got married, this should be the happiest time in my life, my peak. But I feel so low.

I'm sorry, I feel like a whiny girl but I felt that I had to get something out right away or else the dark thoughts would consume me and I'd do something stupid. I wish I didn't have people that loved me so much so I wouldn't have a reason to be here anymore. I know that sounds horrible or ungrateful but its the truth.

  1. Cynthia,

    It's OK to be scared. Truthfully, I'd be more concerned if you weren't at least somewhat scared, given your situation.

    Before I write more, there's a page on our site that I want you to take a look at, pretty please? Take a look at
    Migraine Crisis? Get Help

    If you are thinking about harming yourself, please call 1-800-273-TALK or 1-800-SUICIDE or go to the emergency room for help.

    Having been in such a similar situation myself, I do understand your long section about what you don't want to do. Here's the problem though - you deserve to get your life back and improve your quality of life, and that does require you to do some things for yourself.

    If, at your age, your Migraine specialist says you've tried "almost everything but Botox," you need a new specialist. There are so many possible Migraine preventive treatments today that giving all of them a fair trial would take in excess of 25 years of trying a new one every three months. That's a fact that I hold on to very tightly when I'm upset by still having too many Migraines despite all the treatments I've tried.

    In case you don't already know, neurologists aren't necessarily Migraine specialists, and Migraine specialist aren't necessarily neurologists. Please take a few minutes to read

    How Are Migraine Specialists Different?

    There are other links I could give you, but I don't want to overwhelm you.

    If you're in danger, please get help. There really is hope for all of us to get better as long as we don't give up.

    Keep talking with us!

    sending you a very gentle hug,

    1. Hi Cynthia,

      I wanted to check in a see how you are doing - how are you? Please don't ever be sorry to express how you feel - keeping it all in isn't good for us.

      As a person with many chronic conditions, I completely understand your feelings of hopelessness and uselessness. Something that I think is extremely important for anyone who has a chronic illness is to have a bit of counseling. I have seen a counselor who specializes in chronic illness, and it was extremely helpful.

      Please let us know how you are doing,

      1. thanks guys. im doing better. making myself do things now instead of letting the darkness suck me in. thank you for your kind words, has helped my heart.

        1. I am depressed often for similar reasons. I am 31 and im not reliable for anything, luckily family and hubby are very supportive. I hope u can find support. I talk to therapist about the guilt, worry, and frustration and it is a huge help. I recently married and am unable to work, or do anything regularly. Mine are triggered by back pain/neck and hormones. I try to stay ahead each month so when Im sick I wont fall behind in everthing. Its a game and im not running it. I have bad side affects with the Rxs and the Dr.s dont have other answers. I cant seek alternative care since I have no income. We just have to do our best and not beat our selves up. Im sorry u feel this way and I hope u find an outlet. You are not alone, this site is wonderful.

          1. mymaybelife,

            I totally understand about not working. Would love to get a part-time job now that the kids are out of the house. It would help so much and I wouldn't feel so guilty seeing my husband go off to work at 4 in the morning. But would be a totally unreliable employee and will not do that to a company. My kids and husband have always been wonderfully supportive, loving, patient and understanding of my malady. If I see one good thing that has come out of this is that my kids are very patient and sympathetic to anyone who is ill or in need of assistance and are willing to help in any way.

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