Why Do I Pretend to be Well?

By Kyky Knight

4 min read

I caught myself tuning out of a pleasant conversation with a coworker recently, wherein we were discussing our evening plans and checking in generally with one another to see how each was doing since we last spoke. I was struggling to engage in an earnest way, because I was instead hyper-focused on the pain creeping up gradually through my teeth and eyes, and when I vaguely heard my co-worker comment on how bright and beautiful the sun was that morning, I thought to myself how incredibly painful it was to be standing directly in its gaze, staring at a computer screen trying to read an email that I could barely decipher because of the glare from the sun, and the fact that I could barely focus on the content of what I could read because of the building pain in the right side of my face. I think I must have muttered some detached response to my co-worker about my evening and fumbled around a few seconds in my own head before they continued on to some other task that necessitated we disengage, and so I was free to focus on the pain in my head.

A casual morning escalation

Then..someone nearby in the shop opened a candle jar, or put on some poignant hand lotion, or sprayed something, I couldn't tell what but I knew a very sharp smell had been introduced. The scent hit my nose like a blade or a hammer, my eyes darted around to find the perpetrator and I got surprisingly upset that on top of the piercing sun there was now a smell, too. Give me a break.

Suddenly I was focused on my sensitivity to everything: the scent, and the sun, and the really, annoyingly loud jackhammer-ing going on directly across the street from my job, and the fact that I was getting nauseous from a migraine. I found myself in a spiral of feeling upset about all of these ‘normal’ stimuli that were conspiring together against me, as well as in a lot of pain. I also found myself full of anxiety about how I was engaging with my co-worker and how I seemed. I was literally consumed by a migraine in a matter of minutes, and though the pain had not increased much, my focus on it had increased exponentially.

Giving myself an out

I started to think about ways to alleviate some of this pain and anxiety: I could step outside for fresh air, or go to the bathroom for a second. Pretty solid, responsible steps I knew I could take for self-care. And yet the thought of doing those things gave me anxiety: I thought if I told my coworker I was going outside for just a second to get away from the smell, they would think I was just taking a lazy personal moment, and I didn’t go to the bathroom because I thought my co-worker would think I was just wasting time in the bathroom. Unreasonable, I know.

Instead of taking a moment like I should have, I re-initiated conversation with my co-worker and said:

“The sun is really nice and bright today”..and then I looked into it and made a gesture like I was taking in its warmth to…? I guess to prove that I was on the same page and in agreement with the popular opinion of the sun’s benefit, not detriment, to our shared morning.

Hiding the pain

I have a lot of days like this. I am often guilty of downplaying my migraine symptoms so as to not seem abrasive or needy, and I am constantly feeling like I have to justify why I am acting the way I am, or holding my head, and asking to leave the room or step outside. I know that is it silly of me to irrationally project onto my peers and co-workers attitudes of judgment about why I am taking time to get better, and sometimes treat myself as if I and my pain are not worthy of attention. I am constantly worried about how I am being perceived and trying to justify what I am doing because I constantly feel like my pain isn’t valid and does not warrant a moment or a break.

The thing about this is: It just simply is not true. And I know it. Taking a moment to step outside for a fresh breath of air is not disgraceful, and pain is not something to downplay, but in situations right there in the moment, I still often find myself trying to make up excuses for my migraine symptoms, attributing them to things that would seem more legitimate or understandable, feeding into the myth that migraines aren’t that serious.

So why pretend?

I have been thinking about why I am inclined to write-off my own experiences as invalid and have narrowed down a few possible reasonings, that I am going to try to be more aware of in the moment, to help me to combat some of my own tendencies that adversely affect me. Here are a few of the things I think contribute to some of my struggles with validation, and the affirmations I want to adopt to get past them:

I sometimes think people will think of me as a slacker making up excuses: But, I work hard and deserve to take care of myself!
I tend to put pressure on myself to ‘power through’ pain to prove that I am capable: But, being capable of powering through pain can cause more harm than good, and it is okay to not ‘power through’ every time!
I feel like I am inconveniencing others or letting people down by having migraines: But, I can not control them in their entirety and people tend to be more understanding than I give them credit for!

These are just a very few things I have thought about with my character and personality that I think being more attentive to will help change some of my own behaviors towards myself when it comes to dealing with pain.

Do you have any similar feelings about coping with your pain? Do you feel pressure to pretend to be well? Let me know in the comments!

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The Migraine.com team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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lisamarie246 Member
I pretend because I must. I was fired because a supervisor, appearing to be empathetic, allowed some changes in job duties to accommodate my migraine attacks. This was then used against me as "not being able to perform to expectations," and I was let go. I am currently working part time and though I make little enough for medical assistance and food stamps, I make too much to apply for part time SSI disability. Yet, I cannot pay my bills. That is why I fake it.
1. Member
 I had utilized Reasonable Accomodations for the same purposes, but federally protected. Then I had to use intermittent FMLA for two years straight. I just barely made it through the first year before I ran out of protected hours. The second year, I ran out five months before I could renew. I continued to work - and call in sick - for two months before I filed for medical retirement before they could fire me. I went on formal ‘leave without pay’ and I’m still waiting for them to grant my retirement... six months later and counting.
2. jerseygirl61 Member
 <inline-mention username="lisamarie246" user-id="3662789"/> The same thing happened to me. They made my life such a living hell, that I beat them to the punch and resigned. It’s a shame that migraines aren’t considered an actual “disability” but rather a condition.
aurohra Member
I usually fake it because usually when people mean well and try to accommodate you it’s usually not enough. You get comments like, “if you’re having a really bad headache then maybe you could just sit here and make some phone calls for me”. Sometimes I throw up in the trash bin next to my desk and no one bats an eye
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 aurohra, I am so sorry to hear that, you're right in that it usually doesn't feel like it is enough for me either. Others can misunderstand what we mean when describing our pain and add their own characterizations to it which leads to 'solutions' being offered that don't really help. I am sending encouragement your way, and I thank you for your engagement.
elizabethkey Member
Boy, do I ever relate!! Smells area major trigger for me, but I usually don't say anything due to the very hostile responses I have gotten in the past. So, I try to fake it as long as I can.
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 Elizabeth Key, Thank you for sharing! I am sorry that you have received hostile responses in the past,that is never a good feeling. Take care.
bboyias Member
My entire childhood was dominated by my mother's debilitating migraines. When I hit puberty, migraines hit me like a ton of bricks. By the time I left for college I knew all my triggers. People treated me differently when I missed classes, or had to go to the hospital to stop the pain and nausea. I learned to pretend that I was fine. My roommate was an equestrian major, so she brought horse smells, barn smells, and all the leather cleaners daily to our room. It was a nightmare. When I started my career as a nanny, I knew nobody would hire someone with chronic migraines. Perfumes, detergents, soaps...every new job was a new performance. I finally started telling people about my allergies..not the migraines. It took a lot of give and take, but working in somebody's house and expecting them to stop using fragrances and closing the curtains when the sun is piercing my brain...it's a work in progress 27yrs later. At least I married a man who was willing to change every single product he previously used. And only buys things he knows I can tolerate. He will sometimes see me squinting and tell me to take my migraine meds...he learned my signs and can warn me before I even register one is coming. I'm truly blessed
1. Member
 Before my migraines became disabling, and before strong smells became an issue, I had a supervisor who had forbade any perfumes, air fresheners, etc with noticeable fragrances. She used to say ‘I become physically ill when I’m exposed to these.’ But I - as did the rest of my colleagues - thought she was being a bit dramatic. Until it hit me - and I began to experience debilitating migraines from what before had been a normal part of my hygiene routine. She retired a few months before I came to relate to her predicament. I wish I’d had the chance to apologize for what she went through. And to tell her that I understand now.
2. Kyky Knight Moderator
 bboyias, So glad to hear that your partner is supportive and accommodating, that can be a huge help in navigating chronic pain. Having someone who knows us well enough to step in is awesome and can really make a huge difference in our day to day lives! I am sorry to hear that migraine has so severely impacted you and your work over the years but I am glad to know that you have been able to navigate it for so long. I couldn't even imagine navigating that kind of roommate situation and the scents that accompanied it! Thank you for sharing your experience, and take care.
katjmarie Member
I am fortunate to work from home, allowing me immense flexibility and the blessing of not having to deal with this situation most of the time. However, I still find myself withholding information in my communications at work because I don't want my boss to think of me as someone who is sick all the time. You'd like to think it wouldn't, but some people would hear their employee is "unwell" and, therefore, less than. He is very understanding, but only when I share, which isn't often out of fear. It also goes beyond the 9–5, too. I can't help but find myself fighting silently because, at the end of the day, if I complained about my symptoms or made them known as often as I feel them, I'd barely have time to come up for air. There's this innate understanding that the people in your life will be there to listen, but only until they have had enough of hearing about it, despite what they might say. I don't want to be seen as whiny, dramatic, or attention-seeking, so I keep it to myself most of the time and do think it's a shame. Finally, I think there's a form of self-preservation in "pretending to be well." I think if I sat there dwelling on how awful I feel all the time, it would only bring me down further. So, I think there's a psychological game being played at the same time.
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 katjmarie, Thank you your your input, your characterizations of why we might pretend seem spot on to me! I am glad to hear you are able to work from home, providing the flexibility that allows you to work without having to deal with over-explaining your illness. I totally understand even still the desire to withhold information in a situation like yours. I so relate to not wanting to seem dramatic or ask for too much, and tend to do the same but I know if can have a negative consequence both for me and those around me. Very well said points!
rossbow13 Member
Thanks so much for your views. I sit here as a 70 year old woman who has been plagued from severe and relentless weekly migraine attacks since I was 18. My 43 year old daughter has been next in line although, on discussing it with her, she stoically tells me, "They are not as bad as yours!" We both take the same attitude as you, trying to ignore and downplay the many symptoms of this incapacitating illness. Strangely I find myself wondering if such an attitude is the result of wanting to appear "normal" and "up to the mark" or more a basic personality trait which actually drives us on and exacerbates migraine. As perfectionists, self-driven, motivated in everything we do, we refuse to acknowledge what we ourselves perceive as our "weakness". And, yes, it is partly to do with the fact that others tend to judge us as somehow being weaker or inferior than themselves ... for how can anyone understand that a "headache" is simply not the same as a migraine attack and maybe something to do with the fact that we try to convince ourselves that another attack is not going to happen, driving us to prostration and misery, waiting for the vomiting to take us into a "recovery mode". With that in mind it seems reasonable to self-deny what is happening to us. With the hindsight of old age and the opportunity to simply lie down, take the necessary medication and wait patiently for recovery, I still find myself fighting the thoughts of "giving in". I still refuse to cancel any engagements whether they be fulfilling or stressful, I still hear a little voice inside of my head telling me not to "give in". Are we our own worst enemies? Does such mind chatter actually drive us into attacks and make them even more uncomfortable because we are not kind to ourselves? Perhaps, along with the genetic predisposition to migraine we have personality traits which ensure our slavery to such a disorder ... not that it makes any difference, of course, we suffer regardless of the answer. I had hoped, with the massage of 50 years, the attitude of "It's all in your head" would have been changed to a greater knowledge and acceptance of the biochemical genetically charged changes which occur and, with the hope of the new generation of medication on the threshold we, as suffers, would accept our distress as merely "an illness" which will, eventually, be cured rather than contained ... although even containment is often not successful enough to give us a chance to enjoy the world we live in ... sunlight and all! To all out there who are reading this ... it is our strength of personality and belief in ourselves which shines through ... and however difficult it may be we should remember that rather than the unhelpful and dismissive comments often voiced by those around us.
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 rossbow13, Thank you so much for sharing your insights and perspective! I can relate to your relationship with your daughter, as my mother and I also perhaps unfortunately share a stoic `push through` attitude when it comes to pain, tolerance, and productivity. I definitely agree that these attitudes can sometimes work against us, but I still find myself desiring to `prove` myself, or fight `giving in` as well. Thank you for the awesome reminders that we are strong despite the dismissal we sometimes are met with!
2. blackethyl Member
 <inline-mention username="rossbow13" user-id="3873052"/> It's sad that we sabotage ourselves, but I feel it is in response to people just not getting the degree of pain and paralysis we experience. If they knew how it felt for just 5:00, it would go a long way to understanding and compassion! If they've only had regular headaches, there is no way to compare experiences.
pambitterman Member
Because we're women, mom's, wives, bosses, employees, it doesn't matter. We're used to being strong, taking care of everyone. We are stubborn and even we don't want to surrender to the migraine. It's unseen and so can go unrecognized. So we can pretend it's not there as well, and we do, to avoid talking about it or conceding that we are victimized by it. I imagine it's similar with most autoimmune diseases that don't manifest externally. My grandmother called them "sick headaches". We are sick, but we power through - like with cramps, pregnancy, babies, lack of sleep. It's what we do, have done since puberty.
1. madison10 Member
 Well said Pam.
2. Kyky Knight Moderator
 pam bitterman, Oh do I hear ya! I have always been the caretaker, too, powering through the pain and discomfort. Unlearning that has been very difficult and in some areas, seemingly impossible. Thank you for sharing your perspective, I know many will relate!
Member
I spent so many years doing exactly this. When I finally stopped and let myself take time for me, the attacks had built up to a point I didn’t have a choice BUT to take that time - to let others see my pain. I ended up medically retiring from a job - a career - that I absolutely loved. I’m fortunate that I have benefits that enable me to actually retire from my job and not just SSDI. But as with anything government, I’m still waiting. So even though the stress of my career has been removed, now the stress of just covering my living expenses has replaced it. Eventually, I know that will be removed as well, but I just keep wondering ‘what’s the next stressor I’ll have to handle’...
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 C. Zelaya, Thank you for sharing your experience. I am glad to hear you were able to retire with benefits from your position, but am sorry that you needed to leave a career you loved. I am sure that has been very tough, and I am sending encouragement your way! Leaving meaningful work is one of my biggest fears, and I know that although I am not the migraines, I worry that I will find a place I love doing work I love only to not live up to the expectations set for me. I really appreciate your perspective. I also relate to the feeling of waiting on the next stressor. It can be exhausting. Take care.
Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
kyky! thank you for a tremendous and relatable piece of writing. great job.
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 Thank you, Holly!
absentminded Member
I saw this article in my gmail and despite the article being old, I wanted to comment. I'm only 28 but suffer from chronic migraines. Tried Topamax, Trokendi, Depakote, antidepressants, and am currently on Inderal 40mg, 2x daily. It helps keep most of my migraines away but I still miss work probably once every 2 weeks. I had to call out of work today because I've had a migraine the last 2 days, triggered because of stress at work and had to stay home. The pain isn't excruciating but my vision, focus, and vertigo are awful. I can't eat because the nausea is horrific and I cannot relax because of the overwhelmingingly powerful shame I feel. I've taken my Inderal, Zanaflex, and even Excedrin. Nothing has helped and Imitrex injections are $250/ea and I have no insurance or left over money from my monthly budget. I feel so shameful for not being able to work. I was fired from my well paying, long term job back in July because of my chronic migraines and poor health. I'm beyond terrified of losing my current job but if my migraine doesn't respond to treatment, I can't reasonably or logically blame myself, however I do feel so guilty because I know I let my employer down today. I just hate feeling this way. Nobody should ever have to suffer with chronic pain that chronic migraines generate and the feelings that come along with it.
1. ksmc1984 Member
 I am so sorry that you are suffering so much. I am a chronic migraine sufferer for about 19 years. They suck the life out of you. Is it at all possible for you to get some help from your doctor with notes or excuses to help you build a case at work that you have a chronic condition? Can you file for FMLA? I hope your job works with you.
2. Kyky Knight Moderator
 absentminded, I related so much to your comment, and I know how tough it can be to maintain positive relationships with an employer and a positive outlook on oneself when migraine takes away our inability to meet some standards and goals. I am sorry that you too have had to miss work so frequently because of migraine. While I empathize and understand that feeling of shame, I want to encourage you to know that you are not alone and that those feelings do not define us. It can be so tough to feel worthy and productive when living with chronic pain, but I like to remind myself that I am not my migraine. I am saddened to hear that you lost a job you cared for and am hoping that experience does not come again. Sending encouragement to you. Take care.
alwaysanxious Member
Kyky, thanks for your article. You adeptly capture in it my experience with chronic headaches. The saying may be true, it takes one to know one. I hope you will share more, especially if you find the door out of this place. Best to you.
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 AlwaysAnxious, Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. Sending the same sentiments to you! Take care.
birdmom Member
I can surely relate! Chemicals and bright sunlight are two of my triggers! I am fortunate in that I have a job that has respected this fact, and will make the changes needed to accommodate for my chemical sensitivity. This has also given me an opportunity to share information about migraines with many others who were not aware of the impact migraines can have on everyday function. I encourage any who can to speak out if at all possible. Having the financial flexibility to change jobs, I was willing to do so if I needed to at my current situation, so I spoke up. Fortunately, my supervisor changed the situation so that I could remain on the job unexposed to odors and perfumes (at least at the workplace!)
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 BirdMom, I so appreciate your comment. I am so glad to hear that your job was willing to accommodate you and be flexible, so that you could continue working without having to be exposed to some of your triggers. That is such a wonderful response to hear and I am happy for you! Speaking up can be difficult and sometimes even impossible, so when those who can do so, it can make a world of difference.
rplymire Member
Excellent article. Thank you for putting words to what I also feel, but can’t quite articulate. I pretend and power through so much it’s very tiring. I stll try and remain optimistic. It’s so helpful to know that it’s not just me.
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 rplymire, Thank you so much for your comment. You are not alone! We all need that reminder sometimes. I am sending encouragement your way. Take care.
marciacooper Member
As you get older (which I believe I am then the person writing this review) you tend to speak up more and tell people exactly what is going on with yourself. I no longer hesitate to tell anyone I am with that I have a migraine and am not feeling well enough to stay or continue on with whatever is going on. It is not worth it to pretend you are feeling well when you obviously are not!!
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 MarciaCooper, Thank you for sharing your perspective, I am so glad to hear that you are in a place where you no longer hide your pain. That is great news! Take care.
ksmc1984 Member
Yes! Thank you! I act in the exact same way, I would like to be seen as tough, hard working and low maintenance. At the same time I have migraines and sometimes I need to go home and be sick and ask for help when I’m barfing and hurting!
dove1919 Member
I so know how this feels. I've recently had to stop working because of chronic pain from migraine and neck problems that I've had for years, and then this past summer I shockingly was diagnosed with heart failure, with no apparent cause. I'm too young for Medicare, thankfully I have State retirement for medical insurance, with a small pension. Not enough to live on. I've applied for disability, but I'm having to sell my home of 25 years because I don't have enough money to keep it. With disability application taking forever, not knowing how much it might be, even if I'm eventually approved it probably won't be in time to save my home. It's only by faith in the Lord that I'm living day to day under this concerning circumstances.
1. madison10 Member
 Dove, I'm so sorry about your recent diagnosis and your house situation. I'll say a prayer for you.
2. Kyky Knight Moderator
 Dove1919, I am terribly sorry to hear of your diagnosis, of having to sell your home, and of the difficulty you are having accessing care and disability. My heart breaks for your circumstances and I only wish the best for you. I am sending so much encouragement and hoping you are able to keep your home. Take care.
madison10 Member
My family and close friends know in part because I have to cancel on them half the time. The rest, I just really don't want everyone knowing -maybe it's pride, not sure. But my excuse has become because of "allergies"...the reason I can't tolerate the candle, someone's perfume, cleaning chemicals, etc. After 15 years I feel like I'm a master liar, I lie all the time to protect myself from questions and offers to help from a person who knows a person, and the look of pity. I had to go out on early retirement 2 years ago so my financial goals are not being met as this wasn't part of the plan. Fortunately I am married and have a very supportive husband or else I wouldn't make it. But it is very frustrating that most things that others eat/drink/smell/enjoy on a daily basis manifest into a migraine for me. And I have one now which is why it took me 10 minutes to log in (foggy brain) and my comment is not very encouraging (sorry). The silver lining for me right now is I got to have one girl scout cookie, normally taboo for me, but I'm not going down without a fight, already have a migraine, might as well enjoy that simple pleasure.
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 Madison10, I can relate to the feeling of constantly providing untruths and excuses to cover it all up. I too suffer from allergies. I feel as though they directly affect my migraines and vice versa, so I have certainly used allergies as a way to provide what seems like a more 'legitimate' reasoning at times. It can be exhausting, but I understand the tendency to not bother with explaining migraines, our particular symptoms, and trying to 'prove' it so to speak over and over. And yes, watching others enjoy otherwise unobtrusive stimuli that would trigger migraine is so frustrating. I am terribly sorry to hear of the severity to which migraine has affected your life and am wishing you well and sending encouragement. Thank you so much for you comment, and take care.
cappucinno Member
Such a perfectly descriptive story about your pain and all that entails (as well as our pain and everything else you described) For me, I have not had to work since 2000, first going out on permanent disability due to my severe scoliosis and vomiting migraines and now I am at retirement age.I want to cry every time I hear someone tell about their migraine pain BUT need to work. My heart really breaks for you all. I feel so lucky now that I can just take my meds. and go to bed or do whatever I want. On the other hand I still feel the awful guilt when I can't go where I am invited or have to break plans at the last minute because of migraine pain. I think that people must be saying "how can someone be in pain all the time", which I am sure is not true. I hope something can change for you and for everyone else who is in the same tough spot as you. Wishing you the best life possible.
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 Cappuccino, I so appreciate your kind words and compassion towards those of us having to work 'through' migraines. I am glad to hear that you no longer have to deal with going into a workplace and having to hide symptoms and from triggers, I am sure you had more than your share (one migraine is one too many) and I can only imagine the relief! I also understand the guilt, we want to do so much and be there for loved ones and friends and sometimes we simply cannot. Thank you for your wishes again, and take care.
jt24p6 Member
I pretend to be well on the job because I'm worried about coworkers talking about it. I had an annual evaluation meeting a few years ago with my supervisor, whom I only see a few times a year. When we discussed my sick days, he told me a coworker had "expressed concern" about my frequent migraines. Now, if I have a migraine on the job and someone asks me how I am, I say, "fine." If someone comments I look unwell, I lie and tell them, "I didn't sleep well last night. I'm okay." I hate having to do that, but I don't want to encourage my coworkers to "help" me by talking about me to my supervisor.
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 jt24p6, I totally understand where you are coming from. That can certainly do more harm than good, and it can be hard to tell if our best interests are really at the heart of these expressions of 'concern.' I am sorry you had to experience that, it is definitely enough to make one want to cover up their pain. I am sending encouragement your way and hope that your workplace does not cause too much strain on top of already living with migraine. Thank you for engaging, and take care.
2. jt24p6 Member
 Thanks!
sie Member
At this point, I dont go in to work if I am having a migraine episode. My job requires constant physical interaction with customers which means I am talking the entire time while at work. Between natural body odors or smelling someones lunch/dinner as they are talking, I cannot escape the triggers. I already wear sunglasses at work because of the new LED lights triggering nausea and dizzy spells. My job is not one I can excuse myself and get away from any trigger. I cannot fake anything. My senses will not allow me.
1. heatherbarr Member
 So sorry they felt the need to express “concern”. It feels terrible to have to go underground with your pain. I hope things get better for you.
2. Kyky Knight Moderator
 Sie, I am saddened to hear that you are not able to take reprieve from your job, I can empathize with your situation and I know how difficult it is to not be able to take a moment (and longer) when you need it. I am sending encouragement your way today. Thank you for engaging, and take care.
khc Member
Smells - I would like to share a little strategy I use to help with smells. I put Vicks in my nostrils. The combination of the petroleum jelly and the smell itself blocks many of the smells that I find painful. If the smell of Vicks bothers you just petroleum jelly may help. I keep it in my purse at all times. At home, I stick tissue up my nose as well. I look silly but it helps. Lights - Blue light filters helped immensely with flourescent lights and everyone liked it, not just those with light sensitivity.
1. madison10 Member
 KHC-Thanks so much for the tip.
2. mermadelove Member
 Smart lightbulbs you can talk to??? Where do I sign up???
mermadelove Member
This article put into words exactly how I feel with every migraine. I call it the “ altered mental status” of migraine. While I am in one all of this makes perfect sense to believe. I even tell myself that I’m faking it for attention ! Even though I try not to talk about it when it’s happening! The second the migraine shifts, so does my anxiety and self judgement. On the advice of a coworker who happens to be a nurse, I applied for intermittent FMLA. Now when I can’t power through a migraine, I just let my boss know I’m leaving early or not coming in FMLA and they cannot ask me why because protected health info is none of their business. At my previous nursing jobs I started going to work no matter how bad it was so they could experience first hand how unsafe it would be for the patients for me to keep working and send me home! It was either that or get in trouble for missing too much work— even though I always made up my time! So those of you with work issues, get FMLA paperwork filled out by your specialists or PCP if you don’t go to a specialist. It may save your job!
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 mermadelove, Thank you for your comment and for your advice! I am glad to hear that you were able to get the support via FMLA that you needed. It can certainly be so confusing at times when in the 'altered mental status' of migraine as you've called it, teetering between wanting to self advocate and yet feeling too guilty and doing the reverse: downplaying it. So frustrating at times. To answer to your previous comment: I just began using dimmable bulbs that can be controlled via either a phone app or a via voice control. Take care!
nem360 Member
You are truly my spirit animal. This is me i will sit and hold my head squeezing for any sign of relief rather than tell anyone or take a second to walk outside. I will drag myself vomiting and looking like a hot mess out to places just to participate so no one will think ill of me. Just yesterday I was called out on not being able to write a word i was clearly staring at, even though I could say the word and knew what it was I just could not write it. I actually felt ashamed and just said oh must be the new glasses to avoid explaining my laundry list of crap that is wrong with me. I have never been one to self pity party (even though i know damn well it's not pity) but as soon as someone says they are not feeling well I am understanding and doting. I do not get it and I need to get out of my own head sometimes, blame it on stubborn Greek or just my thick head but maybe one day I will admit to myself taking a hand for help isn't a bad thing.
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 nem360, Thank you for your comment! I can relate so well to your descriptions of what it is like to not want to bring attention to your pain and I am sure many others in the community will agree. Sometimes one of the greatest barriers can be being kind and compassionate to ourselves! Sending encouragement your way. Take care.
JulesNoggin Member
This is SOOOO me! Thanks for writing this article.
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 JAR, Thank you for reading and for your engagement. Take care.
martak5 Member
So true, I’m hiding migraine-related symptoms almost daily (including vertigo). This prolonged “hiding” and covering up leads to shame and guilt, in my opinion. It is also exhausting. I agree that self-compassion and self care are key but not always easy to do. I have had migraines for over 20 years and I still very much struggle with coping with the pain, the symptoms, and then how to deal with them in the world.
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 martak5 I am so sorry to hear that migraine has so severely impacted your daily routine. I can empathize with the exhaustion that comes with not only experiencing the pain from symptoms but also just trying to keep from bringing too much attention ones way. You are so right, self care is not so east sometimes! I am sending encouragement you way and do hope you have a wonderful week. Take care.
joleen1966 Member
I also pretend to be well. I have the "happy" face for people I don't know. The people who know me and love me can tell even through my "happy" face if I'm suffering with the pain. It's too hard to explain about chronic migraines to everyone. I don't like the pity either. i really hate the look of --- it's ONLY a headache. If only we could switch with those people so they could feel the wrath of our migraines. Those people probably couldn't handle one of our lesser migraines. Thank you for the article. 😀
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 Joleen1966, Thank you for reading! I agree, it is too exhausting to talk to everyone and sometimes doesn't do any good or impart understanding but instead judgement. I also relate to the feeling of not wanting to be treated 'lesser' or with pity, yuck. Hope you are well!
vallynam76 Member
I tend to hide my pain and symptoms as much as possible in both work and home. I know in work it's because firstly I don't want to let my team down and secondly, there are a few colleagues outside my team who often state "if I had a migraine I couldn't function so yours mustn't be too bad/oh there's no way you'd see me for days when I get a migraine". When I hear these things I feel ashamed as if I am not sick enough or I'm making it up. It's horrible and nasty. With my family I don't want to burden them anymore than I have to so I hide the more minor migraine (anything up to a 5 is minor to me).
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 Vallynam76, I can fully relate to the 'not feeling sick enough' when judgemental comments are made and struggle very much to feel validated and advocate for myself in the face of situations like this. I am so sorry you feel so much pressure socially, physically, and mentally from migraine. Know you are not alone! Sending encouragement you way. Take care.
mamake Member
I completely agree. I do the exact same thing. I feel as though those who do not experience migraines have no idea how serious it can be and I too tend to power through on days when it is bearable. I know on some days though it is best for me to be in that quiet dark room away from smells, sounds, lights, everything.
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 MamaKE, Thank you so much for your comment. I know all too well the feeling of just needing to be in seclusion, resting. Seems like a lot of us are over-workers! Take care.
bckjc1 Member
i agree. I feel that people do not actually understand the pain of being in migraine situations. I personally feel powerless as I cannot remember but myself ive had fits and also passed out allot due to the pain. I often throw up. I hide it because people just think it is a headache. however its far from that.
1. Kyky Knight Moderator
 bckjc1, I am terribly sorry to here of the severity of your migraine symptoms and the pain you've endured. I know it can be so difficult to bear and then on top of that try to live up to expectations set for able-folks a lot of the time! Sending loads of encouragement your way. Take care.
sbruggma Member
Thank you for your article. These feelings are so close to what I feel too. The anxiety is new to me, I am not an anxious personality and am the “calm reasonable “ one in my family. I empathize so much with people who have had these stupid migraines all thei life. I am three years into it and admire their strength. That being said I would like advise on how you deal with the anxiety. How do you communicate to there’s who minimize your symptoms. Also does anyone put their have temperature regulation issues when having a migraine episode? I can just be sitting there and break out in a sweat all over WITH HEAD POUNDING. My clothes are soaked at night. iDKN I am 55 and dr always says menopause but seems a little excessive to me. Thanks for your support and articles. Steph B.
brandtizzle Member
Yes yes yes. My dreaded fear is that someone will say “she has another “migraine.” And actually make air quotes with their hands.
brody Member
I often work with a migraine and mine are chronic, but today I called off as I did 2 other times in about a month and a half. I'm learning! I have to take of myself I can't keep pushing all the time. And I too am a hard worker and I want to believe people understand and to leave guilt behind.
1. ld5townsend Member
 Brody, good for you. You are right that you have to take care of yourself. Guilt is not helpful. I will actually say outloud for guilt to go away, I am not having it.
jpaula Member
I read this article recently and for me it answers some of those questions. I don’t want people’s advice or asking me when I see them how my headaches are. <a href='https://lievawhitbeck.com/2018/11/01/four-things-to-stop-saying-to-people-with-chronic-pain/' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer ugc'>https://lievawhitbeck.com/2018/11/01/four-things-to-stop-saying-to-people-with-chronic-pain/</a>
sfnative Member
On year 35 of the same migraine headache, never once did I purposefully turn my attention to my pain. Why would I ever want to do that? Advice about standing in the sun: you know it makes you miserable, so why not tell your friend, "Let's take our conversation into the shade, as the sun is really doing a number on my migraine pain," then leave it at that. Can't tell you how many times I've done that and whoever I was talking to totally understood. End of subject. The best thing we can do is stop playing the victim and using victim thoughts and language. When you live as a victim, your body releases stress hormones that do one no good whatsoever. Do whatever possible to calm ones responses to pain.
ld5townsend Member
I feel so bad for you and others like this. I have had migraines for 30 years, and I have learned not to apologize or hide them. I would never look toward the sun the way you described, even though I think it beautiful. With a new employer, I will often tell them that I get migraines, and explain (so that they won't fear I will be out a lot) that I have ways to stay at work even when I have one. Turn down the brightness and contrast of my computer monitor, wear sunglasses at my desk or a visor to help block overhead lights, just a couple of examples will usually suffice. It seems to me that migraine is not the only challenge a group of employees will have. Others have kids that get sick, some may have a close relative who has cancer or another diagnosis that needs treatment and care. I don't think migraine is any different. I hope you can change your perspective, but I also know that isn't easy.
inoexactlywhatumean Member
I try to power through migraine attacks as much as possible because I am sure the next one will be so much worse and I will have to call in sick. I too worry that people don't believe me or believe that migraine can really be so debilitating. I also miss family events and outings with friends. I hope my niece and nephews don't think their aunt doesn't care about their plays, concerts and other activities. I've missed so many. None of this feels like self care. It just makes me sad.
aarnone15 Member
I relate to this very much. I'm known for sneaking my meds--pulling out a pill discreetly at a bar, restaurant or meeting--and hiding from people that I'm taking it. I don't want the attention, I don't want the pity, I don't want people to think I'm trying to get sympathy or get out of something. I just want to slip under the radar and not call attention to the disease that often plagues my everyday life.
dwhie67 Member
I go back and forth with this issue. I'm completely disabled from post-traumatic migraine. At social situations, I can't downplay my pain because I feel like everybody except my wife thinks I should be able to push through the pain. So I find myself talking about my agony. It seems that's all I have to talk about now. The most exhausting thing for me to do is to pretend my migraine doesn't exist or even to just downplay them. It makes them worse and puts me back in bed!
cailee Member
I worked as a nurse for over 25 years and never hid the fact that I had a migraine. I didn’t complain, but some co-workers or doctors could tell on their own. I just powered through most of the time quietly. People understood and they don’t think any less of you! One has to care for themselves.
antzus Member
Haha, this first part of this drew out a laugh. It all sounded quite familiar! It's thankfully overcast and odour-neutral here today, so I have a chance see the humour in my own weaknesses.
drmadden Member
This is a very good question. However, I’d like to tweak it slightly. I cannot figure out how to come across to people so that they do not get angry or unpleasant to me when I ask them to help me by removing strong odors or reducing sounds. I explain that I am becoming ill as these things are either triggering a migraine or sharply ramping up an attack, and I would say the majority of the time I have had bad reactions from co workers. Surely I am not the only one this happens too. What do you do? I have had folks insist “You can’t smell anything, it smells fine in here”. “That noise has never bothered you before, you are making it up and being unpleasant”. Etc. As I keep feeling worse, I begin to panic. Comments ?
1. dinamay Member
 I’ve done pretty much the same thing over the years, but no longer. As I approach Medicare age, I’ve given up in a sense. In the back of my mind I had this unrealistic notion that one day I would be free of the migraine menace. And I was protecting my image as a capable and reliable person by powering through the pain and disability. It’s this nonsensical notion I’ve given up. So I’ve also given up on powering through. Once I realize the pain monster has me in his clutches I disentangle myself from whatever I was doing and whoever I was with, and I head for bed, darkness, silence. I may stay in this self imposed exile a few hours or a few days. In my opinion, it is only when I land in bed that the average person understands something of what I’m going through. So if you find that people mostly are unsympathetic and unhelpful, maybe you need to demonstrate the power of the pain by letting go. Go home, go to bed, and stay there till the pain subsides. Do it for yourself. But, even more important, do it for the migraineur who comes after you. If our grandparents had given in to their pain instead of powering through, we would not feel so much pressure to carry on despite our pain.
2. shamrocks Member
 This is very good advice although I wish economics didn't make it so tough... I work and my hubby deals with his migraines as there is no employer that would be tolerant of near daily migraines. You are so right to do it for the future migraineurs. I've told my hubby his keeping up the false ok act does him more harm than good as people then conclude "he looks fine to me"
nikita212 Member
I used to feel I had to stay at my desk no matter how bad the pain got. I would turn off the overhead lighting and have a single floor lamp on. I'm semi-retired now, due to migraine. I don't do something if the pain is unbearable. However, I could get better at taking care of myself both during the attack and in between. I'm working on it.
holistiq Member
I totally resonate with this whole post... It's hard to cope and yes there's so much pressure to be well... Especially so I don't lose my job. How I react, act, hide my pain, or occasionally can be genuine/real, just ebbs and flows. I try to read the person or situation as best as my spidey-senses allow. I hate when I get paranoid how I'm being perceived. I try to take pressure off myself by educating those around me what migraine is... bc for the most part people don't get it. So, if I see an opportunity (and it's not to garner sympathy) I know it will help me in the long run.
nebraskagirl Member
This post is something I need to hear! The past 8 months or so have been a rough today with migraines for me constantly battling the pain of migraines or the side effects of medications to prevent migraines. It's hard for me to admit that I am sick, because if I'm not at work I know someone else has to put aside their work to do mine. So I try to"power through" to prevent inconveniencing others.
nebraskagirl Member
This post is something I need to hear! The past 8 months or so have been a rough road with migraines for me constantly battling the pain of migraines or the side effects of medications to prevent migraines. It's hard for me to admit that I am sick, because if I'm not at work I know someone else has to put aside their work to do mine. So I try to"power through" to prevent inconveniencing others.
helloitsme Member
I have learned so much about my migraines and how they effect my body, thank you
mrst53 Member
eons ago when I worked, I was lucky to have a boss that understood when I got my migraines. They were weekly back then due to birth control pills. He would let me close my door and turn off the light and put a "do not disturb" sign on my door. Later when I tried to go back to work, after my son, I believe that I was passed over for, because I had a history of migraines.
1. Tom Picerno Moderator & Contributor
 mrst53 I know how frustrating it is to have to deal with the stigma of migraine in the work place. Your migraine should not be a reason to be passed over for a hire, but it does happen. That doesn't make it right. I'm glad your employer worked with you when you were working. It's always nice to hear about compassionate employers. I hope you have better days to come moving forward. Be well.
shamrocks Member
My hubby is the migraineur in our family and what you describe is so familiar. He works extra hard at "seeming ok" as in his growing up years it was not ok to act sick or unwell around the house - and this working extra hard at seeming "ok" usually results in you guessed it-a migraine! Adult experiences have also reinforced that it's important to seem "ok" (church, in laws, friends etc) I too have tried for years to blend in trying to explain why he doesn't have a job etc as people seem to think they are owed an explanation of why we're not like them. One day I awakened to the roles we we're playing! I was sickened by this charade and finally decided if they don't like it they can get lost! I could write pages on this topic, but I will spare you as I'm sure many of you get it. It was time to work extra hard at managing his migraines and managing our family life around them rather than keeping up this exhausting act. So that's where we are now we work at "managing" this life that's so odd to many yet so familiar here in this community. You know - why isn't it ok to not be ok sometimes? Because it can get pretty lonely and isolated is why so we find ourselves trying to fit in and be "normal." I would love to hear of other's experience with this topic. Any tips or ideas are also welcome. Thanks for listening and for being here!
namrodman Member
I find that I pretend..and just don’t like to complain. This though works against me more than helps. My friends and family have grown to think I don’t suffer, I don’t have bad pain, and I can do do anything regardless. Now when I am very ill from a bad attack, they are questioning why I am still lying down!
suet Member
I too have lived with and hidden my migraine for many years because I always get the same response from people " have you taken something for it or I have a friend who gets bad headaches and has to lie down in a darkened room "this always makes me feel no one understands and I am weak !!
joyce54 Member
Absolutely. I also think we down play pain because we believe others don’t understand. I think we gauge our pain lower than others. A 5-6 for me is probably a 9-10 to others.
1. Allyson.Ellis Community Admin
 That is a good point, joyce54. Migraine pain is so unique and those with migraine are frequently judged for their pain due to lack of understanding, that there has been a conditioning to downplay the severity. The severity can also be downplayed in a desire to have the pain taken seriously, particularly by medical health professionals. And pain is very subjective, as you indicated! Every person's scale is unique. Thank you for joining the conversation. Wishing you a gentle day. ~Allyson (Migraine.com team)
viloet Member
Hi this is my first post. I have been working from home like many others and have found a massive increase in my migraines due to my small computer screen I am also wife mother etc. My manager is unsympathetic. And unhelpful. The pain has been so bad it has reduced me to tears. My husband says to me stop going on about your migraines your work will get rid of you if you keep complaining.His total lack of understanding is mind boggling what do you do in this circumstances. It’s hard enough being at home but lack of support from everyone is really upsetting . My middle son understands as he also suffers with migraines Thank you for your patience in reading this much love to everyone
1. dgt2 Member
 That is horrible. If you don't have visible symptoms people who are ignorant of the effects of migraine disease have trouble understanding. Do not feel guilty or allow yourself to be bullied by anyone. Find resources to help educate people at work. For the computer screen issues try getting a pair of TheraSpecs (they were a god-send for me. Since you are working from home do what you can to make your home space more friendly, lower light levels and no florescent bulbs help me (I use LED bulbs that are designed to replace incandescent bulbs, there is less blue/green light emitted). I dread returning to the office. There are a tremendous number of resources on this site and others (again, also look at <a href='https://www.theraspecs.com/blog/' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer ugc'>https://www.theraspecs.com/blog/</a>, IIRC the founder is the spouse of one of the moderators).
2. Melissa Arnold Community Admin
 Ugh, that's awful, Hitesh Goenka. I'm glad you have your mother, at least -- one person can make all the difference. We're here for you, too! Melissa, <a href='https://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team
savta45 Member
Hi. Just finished reading your article & had to respond. I also feel like I want to pretend to be well, or to convince myself that I’m not as badly ill as I am or that I’m getting. Unfortunately, with me, there’s not much hiding it, much of they, not for very long. I can tell, by the pain in my left eye that it’s coming, or maybe a more vague general discomfort. Sometimes, I simply get unreasonably cold, as in its 75 degrees in the house & I can’t get warm. By that time, I’m usually stuttering, & I’ve lost equilibrium, the pain is getting much worse, I’m not thinking clearly. I’m often quite pale & definitely sick looking. When I was still working (I had to retire early & go out on disability) people knew, without my saying or doing anything about it, that I had a migraine & they couldn’t get me out of there fast enough! One supervisor came VERY close to calling 911, as he was QUITE convinced I was having a stroke! Understandable. But, other co-workers were there who had seen me like that before & were able to talk him out of it. When I’m home, I try, read TRY, to keep going, if at ALL possible. This would mean it’s not that bad, or not that bad, yet. I have migraines to some extent almost every day. Not all are as severe as described above, although many are, & can last for days like that. But, IF I am normal, even for a few hours, or it’s not too bad, I try to do as much as I can to get stuff done. Stuff=housework, mostly. Because when I’m sick (have severe symptoms, which I can never predict), I’m useless, & my husband has to do everything. In addition to taking care of me.
savta45 Member
Anyway, I’m sorry this is long. I try to fool people. If the migraine isn’t too bad, I’m getting pretty good at faking it, for a short time. But it takes a LOT of energy, & is only sometimes effective. Also, I am completely convinced that people who don’t have this illness do NOT get it! My husband is great, as far as helping me when I’m sick. But, I know, because it’s come up in conversation, that he resents what’s happened to our relationship as a result of it. Which I understand, so do I. But, I also know that he doesn’t understand how this effects me, how awful it is, physically, of course, but also emotionally. It’s depressing as hell, & I struggle with that constantly. He has no idea how often he adds fuel to that fire. None.
1. Melissa Arnold Community Admin
 Hi, Savta. Don't apologize -- we're here for you to share what's on your mind, long or short. It must be so frustrating to constantly feel misunderstood. It can be tough for people to empathize with things they've never been through -- do you have anyone else in your life that either has migraines as well or does understand? I can especially sympathize with the grief that health issues can cause in marriage. Have you talked recently with your husband about how he exacerbates those hard feelings? Maybe he needs a gentle reminder. Regardless, know that we get it, and we're here for you. Sending hugs, Melissa, <a href='https://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team
kathleen-lavine Member
I have tried acting as if all is ok at work and it has worked against me. I struggle to think clearly and the quality of my work has suffered. I have only worked a handful of days in the last 2-3 months due to the light sensitivity causing visual problems, nausea, not being able to focus & the pain. The many treatments we have tried have been unsuccessful so far. Even though I can’t afford to quit my job, I am seriously considering it because the stress of going to work and not being able to make it through the day is overwhelming. I don’t feel it’s fair to my clients or my coworkers to not be able to focus and function at full capacity for such an extended period of time. I admire those of you that are able to successfully work while in an active attack.
1. MelanieM Community Admin
 kathleen Lavine, I hear how much you struggle, and how emotionally challenging the situation is for you. I did want to share this article with you that talks about tools for light sensitivity, including TheraSpecs, which I have personally found to be very helpful: <a href='https://migraine.com/video/tools-for-dealing-with-light-sensitivity' target='_blank'>https://migraine.com/video/tools-for-dealing-with-light-sensitivity/</a>. Please know you have our support, and we are here for you as you navigate these difficult decisions. Warmly, Melanie (Migraine.com team member)
2. mrsmimoo Member
 I keep lobbying for 'daylight' bulbs in our office but they are too expensive. so I keep not reporting when the bulbs blow and sit happily in the dim light
robbie11 Member
I cannot believe how much this speaks the thoughts and feelings I have to try and hide from everyone to not look bad. I'm so thankful to know that I'm not the only one, that research is improving things for us and that gives me hope.
1. Peggy Artman Moderator
 @sharie, I am so glad this article resonated with you. A lot of us tend to hide our pain because of a fear of what other people may think. But self-care is a must for us. You are definitely not alone with this. Peggy (Migraine.com team)
2. Cheryl Picerno Moderator
 @Sharie I'm glad the article resonated with you. It always surprises me that we, as migraine sufferers, hide our disease from others. I'm better about it now, but at times still don't disclose everything I'm going through. I'm glad you can see you are not the only one out there dealing with the things discussed in the article. We are here for you! Cheryl <a href='https://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team
lorimeister73 Member
I feel like that all the time when I get one. I know my husband understands but sometimes I feel like he gets annoyed when I say I have a migraine. The past 4 years have been frustrating and I feel like it’s just getting worse. We moved to Arizona in December so new doctors and such. I’m seeing a new neurologist and now I’m on shots and two different pills. I know my husband and son understand and are concerned about me and they try and help with whatever they can. They’re becoming very debilitating and it’s very had to get a job that’s understanding about it and my husband has suggested disability, I just don’t know what to do anymore 
1. Cheryl Picerno Moderator
 lorimeister73 thanks for sharing you're a bit of what you are experiencing. I know how frustrating it is to live with chronic migraine. They can be quite debilitating and steal your life. How are the shots and other medications working for you? If you are chronic and have more than 15 migraine days per month you can consider filing for disability. It will be a process and you have to make sure your condition and how it impacts your life are well documented. For now just know we are here for you! Cheryl <a href='https://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team
ceci77 Member
I feel like I have to explain to people that I’m not having just a headache, but a huge slow moving sneaky monster is constantly lurking and I never know when it’s going to jump out and start running around in my head, neck, back, nasal cavity, eyes and take me down. And if I don’t get my medications at the start and hope I didn’t miss my window for my rescue meds to work, I might be in a 3 day relentless constant pain attack that renders me useless. It’s a demon I feel like I have to defend for fear of judgment. It is an invisible disease that never lets up, it is always on my mind in everything I do, never knowing when my migraine is coming to get me and hold me hostage. It makes me cry, both from the pain and from guilt for needing my husband and daughter to help me when this happens. I get very depressed when I get back to back attacks.
1. Peggy Artman Moderator
 <inline-mention user-id="3706683" username="ceci77"/> , I'm glad this article resonated so much with you. I can also understand these feelings. The guilt and fear of judgment affect so many of us with migraine disease, and we really can't help that we are prone to migraine attacks. At least you know that you are not alone in having these feelings. We are here for you if you need us. ~ Peggy (Migraine.com team)
2. Melissa Arnold Community Admin
 That's so hard, Ceci. I hear how frustrated you are! For what it's worth, you are not alone here -- I think just about everyone on our site has experienced some part of what you've described here. We get it 100%, and we're here to listen anytime you need to vent. Sending hugs! -Melissa, <a href='https://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team
katesup1 Member
Reading this almost made me cry! It is so close to how I feel and I've never heard anyone say it. I've had brain surgery and spinal surgery and still have migraines just as often. I feel like if I mention them people think I just want attention. The meds are no longer working and I feel so alone about it.
suzyg Member
I could totally agree with everything you said. In fact, I was just talking to my husband last night about, how I want to lie when I have to cancel a plan because I’m so sick of telling people I have a migraine. Thank you so much for your honesty! I think it’s time we would all “come out of the closet” tell the truth. Recently that is exactly what I’ve been doing and by telling myself, that if people can not understand my chronic illness, I don’t need them in my life. This forum and ones like it really help validate what I’m going through. It can be a very lonely disease and is often misunderstood. Thank you!
1. Melissa Arnold Community Admin
 Thanks for this post, @Suzyg! I'm glad that you're trying to be more open -- in my opinion, I think it's an important part of helping to end the stigma and assumptions that surround having migraines. I hope you have a circle of support surrounding you. And if you don't, remember that we're here, and we understand. Wishing you the best! -Melissa, <a href='https://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team
suzyg Member
I feel the same way Ceci77, I want to explain what is going on and that it’s a disorder not just a headache, but really no one can quite understand it unless they have had one. My husband has never even had a headache, but he is very sympathetic, both my kids have had them especially my son. They both know how bad it is. I’m not going to try to explain it to other people anymore, but just let them know when I do have one (not make up some other excuse) and they can decide if they want to find out more about it.
suzyg Member
I feel the same way Ceci77, I want to explain what is going on and that it’s a disorder not just a headache, but really no one can quite understand it unless they are one of us.
amendt Member
I so relate to this article on feeling left out of life and not taken seriously because of my migraines. I feel like my WHOLE life--all I've ever said is, "I can't (fill in the blank) because I have a headache. I'm sick and tired of even making the valid excuse! I wish everyone understood what we go thru. It's so depressing to feel "taking care of ME", is a cop-out, but that's how the world makes me feel.
1. Allyson.Ellis Community Admin
 I hear how painful it feels when those without migraine respond judgementally to your needing to take care of yourself when migraine symptoms strike, Amendt. It is cruel how many limitations migraine imposes and how something that is not your fault creates such feelings of guilt. Please know you are among those who understand and can empathize with your frustration. We are here to listen anytime you need support. Wishing you a gentle day. ~Allyson (Migraine.com team)
helen-mcdonnell Member
Very much relate too most! Of these comments!
1. Melissa Arnold Community Admin
 Hi, Helen. It's hard to feel like you're constantly trying to "fake it til you make it," isn't it? I'm sorry you relate, but I'm also glad that you found the community here. Hopefully it can offer you a sense of support and remind you that you're not alone. Hugs, Melissa, <a href='https://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team
maizie Member
O my god what r u doing t urself its just unimaginable. Do you feel ur the centre of everything,and you cant have a migraine ?? You will have to stop trying to please everyone and put yourself first,...You shud have gone home,...If one of your colleagues told you they had a bad headache this would make you compassionate to them, it wouldn't make you not like them!! I hope you have some good medication for your pain, if not go to gp n get some,. I've missed work cos of migraines n its ok cos they know I suffer with them. Please open up to people, you'd b surprised how many would then open up to you....maizie
mrsmimoo Member
I think alot of us have to pretend to be well in order not to be sacked TBH! with 15 migraine days a month I have to. Lucky for me my acute drugs work well or I would have no job. But its hard to work through a haze of triptan I must admit!
DarylM Member
I have taken the stance of being open about my migraines and I have fortunately found a lot of support. I also let people know that I am actively finding different ways to help my situation. Letting people know that I am not passive with my migraines tends to lessen the stigma in my experience.
1. Melissa Arnold Community Admin
 Daryl, I'm so glad that you have good and understanding people around you. Advocating for yourself can be brutal work, especially when you have to fight against migraine symptoms to do it, or when people aren't supportive. I really believe that it's in those small interactions that real change is made. Good stuff! -Melissa, <a href='https://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team
drmaryb Member
I am fortunate to have a lot of support regarding my migraines. After 20 years of working in a highly structured environment, I am now able to be self-employed and contracting with a private practice. I can create my own schedule as a psychologist. Everyone should be so lucky. So what's my dilemma? I pretend to be well for a couple of reasons. One is that I tend to feel worse physically if I call off sick. Unless I am horribly sick, doing my work pulls me out of myself so that I am not focused on my illness. (Downside is that when I am done working it hits me and I am utterly exhausted.) I also pretend to be well because I get tired of people asking me about my migraines or wishing me a "migraine-free week" or "I hope your headache goes away". I know that all of these people mean well and I am grateful for that - but I am not close to having a migraine-free week and I have more than a "headache" and next thing I know I am feeling irritated with some really nice people. With people I'm close to, I may educate them a bit but often that is not appropriate. Still, I don't like being disingenuous with anyone - friends, coworkers or patients. So I sometimes resort to understatements like, "not bad, a little under the weather". When I am able to use humor, I might just say "I'm in migraine-land" or "I'm trying to be well". I really want to steer away from talking about my health, especially when working, and yet want people to understand that when I'm not at my best it is not because of something they did wrong. I sometimes I need to ask my patients to slow down or repeat things, so I tell them "my brain is not at full speed today". (They are remarkably understanding.) Also, when working with patients who have other chronic illnesses, I sometimes self-disclose to validate their struggle while making suggestions. So I do talk about it. I guess the bottom-line is that what I want or need or think is best changes a lot and I cannot expect people to read my mind. So I do my best and trust that they are doing the same. I really recommend self-employment for those who can find a way to do it. Having a couch in your office is an added benefit. 😉
1. Melissa Arnold Community Admin
 Hi, drmaryb! Thanks for sharing a bit of your story with us. It's good to hear you have compassionate people surrounding you, even if they do step on a nerve sometimes. We've all been there, I think. I give you credit for juggling your practice while having migraine. That is not easy to do, especially with all of the active listening and engagement that's involved in your work. I'm sure your clients appreciate having a therapist that truly understands what they are going through. Take care! -Melissa, <a href='https://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team
warriorheart Member
Goodness I relate to this so much.
erineverafter Member
This is so important to realize! I think it's so helpful to be able to take that step back and say to ourselves, "Wait... why am I sabotaging my wellness this way? I deserve self care. I can prioritize myself without seeming weak to others." And using the phrase I CAN is so hard sometimes, especially when we hurt, I think. At least I find it is for myself. What about you?
redsquirrel81 Member
I start out most relationships, both personal and impersonal, very openly. If I'm in pain, the people in my life will know about it. I expect the same from them. This has saved me so much trouble in my life. My co-workers have learned my facial expressions because I communicate with them. Kate know not to spray her body spray near me if my eyes are darting and my smile is absent. Julie knows to keep the classroom blinds drawn when I mention I have a headache. Even my department head keeps caffeine pills and ice packs in her office so that if a migraine hits, I can catch it early enough to not effect my job. My classroom full of 4 year olds know that when I say my headache is back they need to use soft voices and they police each other on this. Communication is key. Be honest, and expect that you will be required to pick up the slack when someone else is down too.
gt72 Member
Yes , even when I am typing with One eye shut the other half shut. I gotta go now will keep typing.
blackethyl Member
I do this too. Started a Yoga class last week with a migraine, and rather than dismiss myself, I powered through painfully and then by the time I took my rescue medicine, it was too late and took hours to get pain-free. I also notice, on another topic, that when there are big events happening in space (which you can check on <a href='https://spaceweather.com' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer ugc'>spaceweather.com</a>), llike sun flares, bombardments, or comets, migraines get worse.
1. Melissa Arnold Community Admin
 That's fascinating. I never thought of space conditions having an impact on health, but considering the impact it has on other aspects of the world, it makes sense. This is certainly something worth exploring more. Are there certain medications that you find are helpful with an attack brought on by these events? I know Diamox is useful for some when it comes to dealing with weather related triggers. Curious to know more about your experience. Thanks for sharing with us! -Melissa, <a href='https://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team