The Final Goodbye

By hummingbirdlady

2 min read

I have been absent lately, due to my final flights to see my mother. I have also had to part ways with my brother, he has his own path to follow.

My most recent trips

Flying in the area is ok in the summer, packing-wise. I keep my medication and my icecaps with me, and I have tried TheraSpecs. It was a rough, but better, trip.

The airlines were ok, but having problems with migraines and the only thing that helped me was the hotel room that was provided by the airline company.

Caring for my mother...

When I was up in the summer she was in the house and I did everything I could to get weight on her, but it made long hours and no time for my pain. I would slip away when the left side of my face was numb and tingling, medication, and the icecaps as long as possible. I was also hit by a possible cancer located in the kidney. So, unfortunately, I had to return home for the removal of the cancer.

My next trip was horrible. Airlines were still having problems and I told them I had to get to my destination as soon as possible. I was able to fly in the next day. My cousin had made time for mom, and she took me to the hospital as soon as I dropped my luggage off.

...while also caring for myself

I go through this time after time to get the whole thing digested. My brother was supposed to be her caretaker, but he had other things that were more important to him to do. No one really understood that I have migraines almost daily and the drain on my body

I spent the last 3 days of her life with her. I had to dive back into the house for the medications that I take daily and the Fioricet. The neurologist won't put me on preventative medication because of my high blood pressure history. I am going to have to call him soon and ask for something to help. I do not want to be on pain medication, but they need to do something.

The final goodbye

I was with her when she passed. I begged God to take her home, as I changed her washcloths out for cool ones. Now I have no particular religion, but I see the power of prayers, and she was finally reunited with her love and sisters, her mom and dad, and others who have passed.

I spent the next 49 days trying to get everything done and the house cleaned out. I endured the whole thing to help my brother. He is going to be in for a long time before he hears from me, but I am crying now and I've got another migraine on its way I have got to go...

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Nancy Harris Bonk Moderator
<inline-mention username="hummingbirdlady" user-id="3896389"/> I am deeply sorry for your loss and difficult journey. There are no words when we lose a parent. We're here for you and I'm sending you pain free wishes, Nancy Harris Bonk, Patient Leader/Moderator <a href='http://Migraine.com' target='_blank'>Migraine.com</a> Team
Prettymomma Member
I am so sorry to hear of your loss and all that you are going through. I too lost my mother last October due to a horrific car accident. I made 4 flights from July-October. It is very hard taking care of others and putting our pain aside. I am so sorry that you even had cancer on top of this to deal with. You are a real warrior to do all that you did. It makes me so sad to read that you were about to cry as you were writing this🙁 but I am glad that you reached out for some support while dealing with all of this. I really wish you the best and I hope your doctor can find a good way to help you with your physical pain as well. Take care and sending hugs. 
1. Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Prettymomma" user-id="7002652"/> Hi you sweet dear- thank you for reaching out in this way. I'm so sorry to hear about the sudden and shocking loss of your mother. That absolutely makes my heart tremble just to think about. And yes, this way that we put our pain aside during emergencies - it's both helpful and ultimately can be harmful. When we do this, it oftentimes backfires into a major letdown migraine attack once this dust clears from the emergency - but what other choice is there? Just another hard part of migraine:https://migraine.com/living-migraine/navigating-let-down-migraine. Thinking of you as you approach the anniversary of your mother's accident. Please know my heart is with you. Warmly- Holly <a href='http://-migraine.com' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer ugc'>-migraine.com</a> team
Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention username="hummingbirdlady" user-id="3896389"/> - I'm so glad you shared this part of your journey with us. I had noticed you hadn't been as active on the site and had wondered if you were alright. You've been through so much and I'm so sorry you had to say goodbye to your sweet mother and that you didn't get the support you needed from your brother in the process. I believe that it's important to look for the gifts that come from migraine. What came to mind while I read your words is how the challenges you've lived through with your health prepared you to be in just the right place- and in just the best position as the right person to handle this situation with your mother and your brother. From living through such challenges, you've become deeply compassionate and aware of what it's like to navigate and live in pain. You've also had to learn how at times that we must set that pain aside (as we all do with migraine, unfortunately) in order to handle the emergencies that arise in life. All of these skills that are so well-honed in you came to the surface in your mother's time of need so you could lovingly shepherd her on her way. It sounds like you made an incredible effort to be there and give her what she needed. It also made me think of the letdown phenomenon that happens with migraine. That major attack that hits following an enormous effort. I imagine you are fending off this reality from unfolding currently. On a symbolic level I also picture the similar repercussions that will follow with your brother now that you've done all of this work and that part of this life chapter is behind you. I'm guessing a different kind of letdown process will occur on that front. Because or regardless of that, it's so important that you turn your energies toward yourself now. You'll be moving through the natural process of grieving while also navigating migraine - both of which are demanding physically and emotionally. I hope you can connect with your doctor to get as much support as you need right now (letting go of worries about what approach is used) to get relief for the migraine pain as much as possible. I hope you can also get the emotional support you deserve right now- with us - and also hopefully in person with a friend or family member, or as part of support group or with a therapist. You have a lot to reflect on and think about. Saying goodbye to a parent is huge. All you did for and gave to your mother - turn that same amount of love and care onto yourself now. The stuff between you and your brother can be set aside and handled later, as you said. This time is for you to heal. Please know we are with you as you move through this difficult time - sending love and compassion your way - Holly (migraine.com team).