I'm Not Pretending!

By misscookie701

1 min read

For me, the most frustrating thing is not being believed when the topic of my migraine disease comes up. I married into a family that summarily dismissed anything that was not visible to the naked eye. A bone wasn't really broken unless the jagged bone protruded from the place where it hurt and a person wasn't really allergic to gluten unless they could watch that person break out in hives and watch their face turn red for lack of oxygen. So, the thought of an invisible disease like migraine disease was easily dismissed for lack of evidence.

The invisibility of pain = disbelief from others

The day my monster-in-law, excuse me, mother-in-law was on the phone, accepting an invitation to a family picnic, she finished with a head count of all who would attend, with the caveat, "That is of course unless Cookie decides to have one of her migraines." From that time forward, I was hesitant to let them know if I was experiencing any migraine symptoms. The time I began to have trouble speaking with what I now know is called "vocabulary salad", she made sure I could hear her ask my ex if I'd been drinking.

Being completely dismissed by my family

It's bad enough to deal with all the symptoms associated with migraines, but being discounted after trying to push through attacks made me feel completely unwelcome by my in-laws. Putting that family in the "ex" category didn't help with the migraines but at least I don't feel like some sort of weak failure for having them.

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Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention username="misscookie701" user-id="3834335"/> - You are not a weak failure at all. Indeed, I believe that people who have migraines are some of the strongest most capable and resourceful folks out there. We have to dig incredibly deep to navigate a complex neurological condition that asks so very much of us. A condition we did nothing to deserve. Thank you so much for sharing some of your story with us. It's one to which so many of us can relate, unfortunately. Being disbelieved and questioned and accused of faking it is all too normal when it comes to the life of a migraineur. What is all the more common is that we ARE fakers - but not in the way most think. We don't fake our pain or our neurological symptoms- we do exactly what you describe above- we get so beat down by being dismissed and judged for a condition that is no fault of our own, that we actually fake wellness. We push through- to the point that we break, and are incapable of speaking or perhaps even walking. Those who are supposed to love us without judgment are capable of hurting us the most because they hold the most power in our lives. I'm sure that putting your in-laws in your rearview was a painful process, but hopefully it meant giving them less power over you and less ability to hurt you, ultimately - as the last thing we need, while navigating migraine, is more pain. So glad you're a member of our community. We are here to learn from and with you and to support you along the way. Please stay in touch. Warmly, Holly (migraine.com team).
Melissa Arnold Community Admin
I'm so angry that you've been treated this way, Cookie. There are so many invisible illnesses out there -- even some cancers! -- and it baffles me that some people are still unwilling to accept what they don't quite relate to. Know that we believe and support you. You can always talk to us! I love this article written last year about invisible illness and the education that's still needed today: <a href='https://migraine.com/spotlight/invisible-illness-awareness?_sp=ccabb475-b4aa-41e4-8cda-a794264d5fa3.1625607692659' target='_blank'>https://migraine.com/spotlight/invisible-illness-awareness?_sp=ccabb475-b4aa-41e4-8cda-a794264d5fa3.1625607692659</a> If you want to read more, invisibility and the social issues that come with it are a frequent topic around here. Here's a link to a search I did so you can find them all in one place: https://migraine.com/search?s=invisible Take good care of yourself, okay? Sending hugs! -Melissa, <a href='http://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team
SandraT Member
Hi Cookie it is so annoying so be treated this way . People don’t understand that the last thing you want to do is miss out on a sociable event by “faking a migraine “ They are so debilitating and spoil our lives . You have my sympathy . 
1. Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="SandraT" user-id="4186591"/> Such kind words and compassion. More than anyone else, we all understand the challenges that come from a life with migraine. Always good to be reminded that we're not alone in this journey. Thanks so much for chiming in. Warmly, Holly (migraine.com team).
hitesh-goenka Member
Your story is the same as that of my mom's. Her illness was always downplayed with the usual comment that she didn't want to do the household chores and other things in life. This has been going on for 35 years. Now, I have taken the baton of The Liar from her. I also seem to be having migraine symptoms in my head only (Pun intended.)
1. Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="hitesh-goenka" user-id="3755282"/> Ugh- that's so frustrating. There's not much worse than being accused of being a liar when we are suffering in severe pain a top navigating complex neurological symptoms. So sorry this has happened to you- and yet it happens all to often to so many of us! Thinking of you- Holly (migraine.com team).
ChroniKat Member
Cookie, I feel so sad that you (like many migraineurs) had to go through all that garbage! I don't think that any of us would ever "decide" to go through the pain and frustration of migraine if we had a choice. We just can't help it, but many people don't understand that. If those people had to experience one day, or even one hour, with migraine (or other "invisible" disease), maybe they would wake up. Or maybe not, if they are really unempathetic. Luckily, we have each other, to share, grieve, cry, yell, and even laugh sometimes!
1. Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="ChroniKat" user-id="3674804"/> What a beautifully empathetic compassionate message to pass along! Thank you for posting it and being a part of our community! It is so true that it's nearly impossible for others to appreciate the challenges that accompany the complex neurological condition that is migraine if they've not experienced it firsthand. Easier to write it off as a headache- which is something most people have experienced. Grateful you are here. Warmly, Holly (migraine.com team).
misscookie701 Member
Luckily indeed! Thank you.
1. Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="misscookie701" user-id="3834335"/> Yes! So glad we're all here for and with each other- to learn from one another and to provide support along the way! Thank goodness for that and for you! Warmly, Holly (migraine.com team).
Mare2 Member
Hi Cookie, I’m sorry to hear your story, it saddens me, angers me and brings out my anxiety. I have walked in your shoes but it didn’t involve my family or mother-in-law. I had a very good friend who happens to be a retired nurse, disassociate herself from me. She was coming from out of province to visit her old friends. Basically, I don’t have the strength anymore to have company sleepovers. I’m not well enough to deal with the aftermath of clean-up and such. So, in a kind and loving way I told her that I would love to see and meet with her over lunch. Bottom line, she has never spoken to me again. I have often read how we can lose friends in our lives because they don’t understand or lack compassion for our neurological disease. So yes, we are not alone, we have each other to learn from, support one another whether it be laughing, sympathizing or plain old frustration. We are stronger because of each other. Thinking of you with kindness, MARILYN 
1. Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="ameoch" user-id="3924864"/> and <inline-mention username="misscookie701" user-id="3834335"/> - I am so warmed by this beautiful and compassionate exchange between the two of you. It's the perfect example of why our community exists-- to provide a platform- a place - for people with migraine to gather and provide support and understanding in the midst of a world where the general population doesn't understand what we're up against. Thank you for demonstrating such kindness and warmth to one another- it's a great example you are setting for the rest of us to follow. We are grateful you are with us. Warmly, Holly (migraine.com team).
misscookie701 Member
Oh Marilyn, I'm so sorry to hear of your heartbreaking situation. Yes, I guess we do have to learn to live without certain people in our lives and move on to a more compassionate community of friends. You are in good company. Cookie
Melissa Arnold Community Admin
As the saying goes, "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." I grieve with you over the loss of your friendship, but I hope people who love you just as you are will come into your life. This will always be a place where you can find support and understanding. Hugs to you. -Melissa, <a href='http://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team
misscookie701 Member
Awww, thank you Melissa. Actually, I don't grieve the losses any more. I mean, who needs such unpleasant people in their lives, anyway? I have a fabulous collections of friends that are wonderful and supportive. 
1. Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="misscookie701" user-id="3834335"/> How wonderful that you have created a tapestry of loving friends to support you along the way. That is, I'm sure, a reflection of the kind of friend you are to them. Having a good support system can be key when we're navigating chronic migraine. Your story, and your comments, show you to be a compassionate and strong person. We're so glad you're a part of our community. Warmly, Holly (migraine.com team).
misscookie701 Member
Thank you Holly. I'm glad to be here!

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