You Are NOT Lazy, You Are NOT Anti-Social, You Have Migraine

By Holly Harding

1 min read

Have you ever felt misunderstood or been made to feel that you are lazy or antisocial because of having migraine? You are not alone! Migraine isolates us from our support systems because of the way we must labor through the intense pain in darkened silence.

Why do people stigmatize migraine?

When we withdraw from the world to care for ourselves repeatedly, we can be viewed as if we are choosing this route when we are actually forced to care for ourselves. Because some triggers are avoidable, we may ourselves even internalize a feeling that this condition is our fault. This is not the case. We never chose this condition. It has done nothing but complicate our lives. We are doing our best to care for ourselves in hopes that we can rejoin the world.

In this video, Holly shares an experience in which she was accused of being antisocial due to having migraine and discusses how this kind of experience is universal.

Have you ever felt misunderstood because of migraine? In the comment section below we invite you to share ways in which have been misunderstood due to having migraine.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The Migraine.com team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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Rachel1079 Member
 I've been getting migraines since I was a baby and most of the women experience them on occasion. My triggers used to mainly be from not eating when I was supposed to or being out in the sun too much. It's now gotten to where it's hormonal, sound activated, sometimes light activated if light is shown right in my eyes, or just stress. I don't think my mother-in-law has ever had a migraine or any of her relatives have had them. She doesn't believe any of my triggers or any of the things I'm sensitive to while I'm experiencing one. I've heard her tell my husband that I'm not sick, I'm just being anti-social. Well of course I'm going to be "anti-social" when I'm sensitive to sound and your talk volume is always set on loud. 
1. Rebecca C Moderator
 <inline-mention username="Rachel1079" user-id="8652334"/> - Thanks for offering us a glimpse into the struggles you have with family. Migraines can indeed be triggered by various factors, and they can evolve over time. Migraines are often referred to as "invisible illnesses" because the symptoms are not always apparent to others, making it harder for some people to empathize or offer support. It can be very challenging when loved ones, such as your MIL, who haven't experienced migraines themselves, struggle to understand the impact of this debilitating neurologic condition. Though difficult, I hope you don't let her incognizance impact you and you continue to do your best to care for yourself. With warm regards, Rebecca (community moderator) 
2. azreynolds Member
 <inline-mention username="Rachel1079" user-id="8652334"/> It's especially hard when in-laws don't even try to understand what you're going through. You want to defend yourself, but you don't want to be considered antagonistic or argumentative just for standing up for yourself. If someone made a snide comment about someone else just because they weren't attending family events, my MIL used to always say something back to them. She'd say, "Well, it can't be much fun for them either!" But in spite of her trying to be understanding, she actually set off my migraines constantly because of the air freshener plugins in her home. She would undo them before I came, but she didn't understand that the fragrance polymers attach themselves to curtains and furniture, and therefore just walking in the door was immediately painful for me...but at least she tried. Unfortunately I had to eventually quit attending family gatherings because of plug ins. Sadly she suddenly died just 2 weeks after being diagnosed with an aggressive leukemia and I had missed out on the last three years of her life. So sad.
azreynolds Member
<inline-mention username="Holly Harding" user-id="3755969"/> Wow, I can't believe those people had an intervention about you being antisocial! That's just rude! I can't really compare what it would be like to have friends do something like that because... I don't have any friends anymore. None. They all abandoned me. Having hyperosmia along with migraines, not to mention fibromyalgia, means that 99% of the people do not understand how my combination of ailments makes things so very difficult for me and my husband. It doesn't help that first of all, NOBODY knows about hyperosmia. The few people who try to commiserate with me and claim to be sensitive to smells, actually don't understand MY version at all. They still continue to use scented products to some degree, and I have to accept their "understanding" because I know getting into a conversation about who's sense of smell is strongest, wouldn't be worth the energy wasted. Second, for the few who try to accommodate me, they don't realize that just because they think they don't have any fragrance because they can't smell it, doesn't mean that I can't smell something. We have to wash our groceries because people putting products on the shelves use scented hand sanitizer or hand cream, and it can set off a migraine for me. Thirdly, I am such a hassle that nobody wants to try anymore. They make an effort, and some make huge attempts, but it's not enough...so why bother? I've been told I'm imagining scents. That I'm exaggerating. Or I am just looking for excuses to not go. Etc. But my hubby can attest to my "super powers" and even the gas company can too. Once I had a plumber out several times because I could smell a gas leak even after he'd repair it. He insisted I was wrong, so I called the gas company. A technician came out with a gas detector instrument. He told me, "Lady, there's no way you can smell this gas leak! It's registering only .03 on my instrument." But I could smell it at the opposite end of our house! I heard once on the World Migraine Summit that there was a theory that we have "migraine spectrum". And on the spectrum we have very, very mild migraines at one end causing no pain, and severely painful ones at the opposite end. Under this theory, people who are super sensitive to smell, lights and sounds, but not having pain, are actually at the low end of the spectrum. That these are mistaken as triggers, but actually we're just reacting to symptoms of a very mild migraine, not that we're getting migraines from these particular triggers. We already have one. It made me wonder if my hyperosmia is actually being caused by a continuous migraine on the low end of this spectrum. I always have a mild headache, but I don't consider it a migraine until nausea starts. Anyway, it all comes down to...I stay home where I can better control my environment, and that way nobody has to hassle about me being so sensitive. And frankly, they can say whatever they want.
1. Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="azreynolds" user-id="3677307"/> Hi Annzie- I love what you shared here. The spectrum explanation is wonderful and resonates with my understanding of this condition as well. I also agree about the way this condition decreases our social circle so effectively due to ignorance and/or frustration that others feel while interacting with us for various reasons. Those who "make the cut" in terms of being compassionate, understanding, and supportive are a rare breed, unfortunately. So, while our circles may shrink, I like to think the quality of those in our lives is rich, hopefully. It's always good to hear about the love and connection you share with your husband. I thought of you the other day as I was walking on a trail with my son- I was a few steps in front of him and exclaimed that I could smell cigarette smoke. I was so distressed that someone what smoking outside on a nature trail and that would alter my ability to continue on. My son didn't smell the smoke until many strides later. This is a good illustration of your question - are we most sensitive to smells due to an underlying attack- or does the sensitivity set off an attack. Fascination and probably a little of both sometimes. Much love- Holly (migraine.com team).
kateymac Member
<inline-mention username="Holly Harding" user-id="3755969"/> Wow, Holly! That story is awful! I can feel how much that must have hurt. The unfairness & betrayal must have been shocking. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. A few moments of hurt come to mind for me: One sibling tells me that I seem able to do things “when it’s something I really want.” Another who says that he has pain, too, but he “just deals with it” and I need to “pull it together and suck it up.” A cousin once reminded me that “it’s important to keep in touch with family,” as I was about to miss the third of the last 20-ish missed reunions. Can’t these people remember what I was like before? I loved all the weddings, reunions, holidays, etc. If there was a dance floor, I was out there the whole time. Such statements hurt so much. It feels like they aren’t even talking to ME, not seeing me anymore. Like I’m kinda not even there. I think there’s a profound sense of abandonment in those moments. It hits me like a brick wall, sometimes. Thanks , Kate 🌷 
1. Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="kateymac" user-id="3784217"/> - Thank you so much for your comments and for being compassionate about the situation I faced with my so-called friends at that time. The way my husband did not stand up for me was also horrific and looking back, I should've seen it as a sign of the health of our marriage (or lack thereof). Unsurprisingly, we have since divorced. I'm so sorry you've faced similar hurtful and ignorant comments. All the examples you gave made my heart hurt. Indeed, you got to the crux of the matter in touching upon themes of hurt and abandonment. Feeling questioned and judged by loved ones for something we never wanted and continue to struggle with every day is deeply painful. What we need is compassion, understanding, and support. These encounters are the absolute opposite of that. Warmly- Holly <a href='https://-migraine.com' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer ugc'>-migraine.com</a> team
Rebecca C Moderator
<inline-mention username="Holly Harding" user-id="3755969"/> - I am so sorry this happened to you. It must have really been horrible and rough. I don't know how I would have reacted to being labeled anti-social. And, I am very glad you realized those aren't your "people". Moving on must have been a relief. I really don't have a bad story, per se, regarding my migraines (thankfully), as my close small circle of people has only supportive individuals.