Parenting Through the Guilt: Are You a Migraine Mama?
I am the mom of two sons and I live with chronic migraine. I know I'm part of a much larger community of migraine moms who parent differently than most, but I also know we love with all our might along the way.
How was raising my children different with migraine?
My sons are now young adults but when they were young, I faced some of the hardest challenges of my life. Trying to prioritize the lives of others when our bodies are demanding our full attention is exhausting and difficult. Just like with all parenting, it’s impossible to get it right all the time.
Their energy was often off the charts and I couldn’t help them burn it off. I often couldn’t play rough – or race around outside with them. We had to find other ways to connect.
When did I have to miss out on their events?
One of the hardest parts of parenting through migraine is the way it can sideline us from our children's activities. Things like sporting events, practices, recitals, and more are important to our kids’ development. And there is heavy societal pressure on Moms to show up for everything. It is heartbreaking to miss these events and lose hours to days of motherhood as we labor through an attack.
I initially forced myself to go to a lot of events that I shouldn’t have. I learned it helps no one to show up in extreme pain while nauseated and unable to drive. The attention that should of been on the kids would wrongly but understandably turn to me. As a result, I chose to miss so many of these kinds of events in my sons’ lives.
How did I parent differently?
I learned to find other ways to connect with my boys. My sons learned that Mom was at her best when we were in the house - playing, doing, and sharing. The depth of the closeness that we forged was unique and special. Such tender loving memories and connections were made in those intimate quiet times together.
Yes, we are different than the soccer moms, cheering their kiddos loudly from the sidelines, but who's to say which approach is better than another? Our love and presence is not on display to the outside world and we must work hard to let go of the need to prove ourselves to anyone but them.
How has it wracked me with guilt?
We never asked for this relentless and incurable condition yet we somehow are left wracked with guilt for having it. I have learned as I’ve gotten older, that all parents have regrets and guilt about not being able to be there for everything. Still, the weight of guilt when it comes to migraine can feel unbearable.
How have I leaned on my village?
When migraine is at play during parenting, it can be helpful (and imperative) to call in the troops. Whether it be friends, family, coworkers, or neighbors, I learned to ask for help when it came to raising my kids. My sons’ grandparents were (and are) huge in their lives. I’m not only grateful for the help - but for all the lessons and love they learned from those special people.
How has it changed now that my sons are adults?
Back when they were young, I wish I’d had a window into the future as it would’ve calmed so many of my fears and feelings of coming up short.
Now all grown up and starting lives of their own – it is clear that my migraine condition did not negatively impact my relationship with my boys, or their overall upbringing. They are deeply kind and compassionate men with whom I share an incredible closeness.
Are you a parent who is living with migraine? This reality brings up such unique challenges that few understand or appreciate. Please share your experiences and lessons learned in the comment section below.
Join the conversation