Woke Up From Sleep

By hitesh-goenka

2 min read

A girl in the 10th standard in school asked me once, "Why does your voice always sound like you woke up from sleep?"
I didn’t have an answer at that time. I didn’t have an answer for a long time.

I remember people commenting on my voice since I was 6 years old. It started with my aunt who asked me, "All your cousins have nice voices. But you don’t. Why?"

Judgment from a young age

Imagine a 6-year-old child having to hear this nonsense from an elder. Wow! She wished me to be insecure about my voice (merely one of the amazing things that elders do of passing down their insecurities to the young ones). Imagine the impact that question can have on the psyche of that child. This is what I have come to know now as “child abuse”. What else would you call it?

Migraine affects all of me

Having two dozen symptoms does things to your behaviour. My brain doesn’t work properly. I have limited control of my mind and body. I know this from the two dozen symptoms I have from a neurological condition. This affects my voice. I know I sound “not okay” most of the time. There’s not much I can do about it. My voice doesn’t sound lovely. It’s not clear sometimes. Words come out in phases mostly, thanks to brain fog and various other symptoms. The dryness in the mouth and throat makes it worse. I don’t know anyone whose mouth is as dry as mine. No wonder my well-wishers find it impossible to believe me.

Fighting the migraine stigma

"Why does your voice always sound like you woke up from sleep?" This sounds like a valid question coming from inexperienced souls. Only if they were capable enough of accepting the answer that I have now. What is more important than having a reply is the presentation. If I tell it in a plain and boring manner, the answer won’t be accepted. It will be downplayed. But if I present it in a professorial way, it sounds wonderful, yet incredible. There lies the funny part. No matter how well I present, it is never enough.

The stigma in society is real about brain-related illnesses. Just like there is a stigma against drinking and smoking. I can do it in private. But it must remain a secret. No one must know. The same goes for my neurological condition. No one must know. I need to suffer in silence. I need to not show the outcome of the two dozen symptoms I have. I need to act like a robot who is programmed to behave like normal mortals do. But it is impossible to behave like normal souls. I tried for 3 decades and I failed all the time in everything I did. If someone does it somehow, he deserves the highest honour ever bestowed upon a homosapien.

Share my own story

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The Migraine.com team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Join the conversation

Please read our rules before commenting.

Cheryl Picerno Moderator
<inline-mention username="hitesh-goenka" user-id="3755282"/> stigma is a horrible thing for anyone to have to live with, and having that thrust upon a child is all the more upsetting. In various cultural settings, I have seen that families actively hide anything they feel makes them vulnerable. My mother's family, whom I love dearly, are big "secret" keepers. They spend great deals of energy to keep vulnerabilities hidden. Being real and telling it like it is is far less common than it should be, in my opinion. Illnesses are hidden for the oddest reasons, and that feeds right into society's stigmas. If you are ill, then you are considered less than. Even worse, if your illness is disclosed, you are seen as the problem. Fighting the stigmas and judgments of those closest to us who don't understand is exhausting. There comes a time when you must realize that some will never understand or that they don't want to understand. In those cases, I save my energy and sidestep frustrations. I respectfully move on and focus on the things that help me move forward. We can suffer in silence if we choose to, and around some folks, that's the best way to move forward. I don't want to live all my life in that manner, nor do I want to live the life of a robot. Symptoms matter to us. They are sometimes a larger portion of our lives than we'd like, but we are resilient and adapt and move forward. I wouldn't look at all the times you've tried and failed at things as failures but as times you've tried to adapt and overcome as part of a learning process that helps you find the best ways to grow yourself. It's hard, but we are here for you. We get it! Warmly, Cheryl <a href='http://migraine.com' target='_blank'>migraine.com</a> team
1. hitesh-goenka Member
 Well said. It's about Shame. The shame of this, the shame of that. Shame is the demon that I see eats my well-wishers alive. They may not have symptoms like mine but there's the biggest symptom of Shame that controls their behaviour. I am a slave to my two dozen symptoms just like my well-wishers (the normal folks) are slaves to their two thousand insecurities. It's funny how their insecurities arise out of thin air. Take the case of my receding hairline since I was fourteen. Twenty years of hairfall and now I have a half moon. Well-wishers tried making me feel insecure about the hair on my head. But they failed time and time again as this insecurity never made sense to me. Perhaps, I need to blame my brain fog symptom for this. Brain fog sure keeps my insecurities down to a bare minimum.
2. Holly Harding Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="hitesh-goenka" user-id="3755282"/> - A wonderful goal to let things flow past and not absorb what are really the insecurities of others. And yes, perhaps brain fog can come in handy here too! Warmly- Holly <a href='http://-migraine.com' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer ugc'>-migraine.com</a> team
JennieM Member
<inline-mention username="hitesh-goenka" user-id="3755282"/>, my flippant comment to those ignoramus haters would be: "yes, I'm gifted with a bedroom voice. What, are you envious 🤨?"

Community Poll

Do you feel comfortable advocating for yourself to your healthcare provider?