Forums


Diagnosis of Migraine & Headache Types

Husband does not understand.

  • By KT1088

    Does anyone have family that does not understand or believe that your migraines truly cause that much pain? My family does but not my husband. Apologize in advance for run on sentences but i have one now. He seems to think I’m overexaggerating my pain or that it’s “just a headache”. I have .vomited in front of him from my migraine yet still he doesn’t get It? Yesterday one was so bad it caused me to cry and all he did was tell me if it’s that bad then I need to do something about it. That really pissed me off because I DO do something about it. I see a doctor take meds and get injections but my botox is wearing off yet I still have a week or so before my insurance will pay for botox again. I wish my husband understood yet he just seems to be fed up. I’m 29 years old and I think he feels like my migraines are affecting his life in a negative way. I do want help but I don’t know where to turn or what else to do. He is very loving it’s not like he is an a#$% in general but when it comes to my migraines he seems to lack empathy and just truly not get it. Has anyone else experienced similar and how to you help someone understand? When i try to explain it to him he replies “I don’t want to argue about It” and ends the conversation. It’s at the point I feel like we almostneed marriage counselling over it but I don’t think he would go because he just thinks I’m crazy and exaggerating..

    Reply Created with Sketch. reply
  • By Nancy Harris Bonk Moderator

    HI KT1088,

    Welcome to the Migraine.com discussion forum – we’re glad you’ve found us. I am however, sorry things are so difficult right now.

    Current thinking is that migraine is a genetic neurological disease and some spouses, family and friends are unable to comprehend how debilitating a migraine attack can be, especially if they’ve never had one. Public perception is a migraine attack is nothing more than a headache, but that’s not the case.

    Something to consider is bringing your husband to your next doctors appointment. When my ex- husband came with me he began to understand how truly debilitating a migraine attack can be. Do you think he would be agreeable to this?
    This article discusses migraine disease and empathy that may help.

    Would it be possible to try and plan a time to discuss migraine disease with your husband? I understand how hard it is to do this while raising a family, but maybe making an “appointment” with him would be helpful? We have information on relationships and migraine you can read here; https://migraine.com/blog/tips-to-manage-impact-on-marriage/
    https://migraine.com/living-migraine/home-life-needs-balance/
    https://migraine.com/?s=relationships&submit=Go
    https://migraine.com/blog/getting-romantic-partner/

    I’m going to share these articles with you that you can then share with your husband. I hope you find them helpful; https://migraine.com/living-migraine/education-day-interview-joanna-kempner/
    https://migraine.com/blog/education-awareness-month/.

    Ok, I’ve given you a LOT of information. Take some time to go over it and if you have questions, please let me know.

    Nancy

    Reply Created with Sketch. reply
    • By NoviEmbyr

      My husband used to react that way, a LOT about my pain, and yeah, it would really tick me off too. I’m married to this super sensitive man who happens to be a little old fashioned. He feels like it was his job to protect me & keep me safe, still does, lol. He couldn’t protect me from my migraines or fibromyalgia, and he felt helpless. He was taking his fear & frustrations out on me. I don’t know if that’s the case with your husband, but it is human nature to avoid our stuff. I don’t know if my experience will help, but there it is. I hope it does help.

      Reply Created with Sketch. reply
    • By Nancy Harris Bonk Moderator

      Hi NoviEmbyr

      Thank you for sharing your experience with us. In my opinion, it seems men want to “fix” things and get frustrated when they can’t. If only it were that easy!

      Nancy

      Reply Created with Sketch. reply
  • By chantrelle

    I get that others don’t get it because they don’t see us when we are having a bad migraine. However, your husband actually sees you…

    Maybe, what he does not get is that there is not always a way to helps you when you have a migraine ? Maybe, he believes there is something that can be done and you are not doing it. Of course, it is not really conscious and that clear in is mind…

    In a way, it is kind of logic someone could think that. We ear stuff about curing cancer and we can’t have proper meds to resolve a migraine attack, for most people it does not make sense and it isn’t possible that there is no meds at times to help a migraine.

    I do beleive It would be great if he would go with you to your next Dr. appointment. You could talk about the fact that sometimes your migraines really get out of control.

    Reply Created with Sketch. reply
  • By pigen51

    KT1088,
    I come from the strange side of things, I am a man, but I get the migraines. I have a family history, but I also played high school football and have had about 5 concussions in high school, plus at least 2 since then. So I am a prime candidate for migraines. I am 57, and now on disability for migraines, having suffered them my whole life. I worked since I was 11 years old, since I was 18 in a foundry for 35 years, so I was not trying to shirk my duties. It just became such a difficult thing that I could no longer function on a day to day basis. My present wife, number two, understands just how bad they are, having been with me for 25 years now. And yet it is still often difficult for her to be patient and tolerant at times. She doesn’t blame me, but after all this time, you can’t blame someone who often has to put plans on hold or change them at the last minute due to a promise that I can’t fulfill, because of a ” little headache” which is what people on the outside perceive them as. What we can’t do is allow the disappointment from them that might be directed at us flow into us. It has to bounce off us and hit instead the disease. This is much harder than it seems, I know, and I doubt that there is a long term suffer of migraines or any of a number of this type of disease out there who has not had the ” bad” thought of suicide at least once. Don’t you dare give in to that thought! There are people in your circle who love you and care about you.

    I know that in my younger years, when I would get some of my worst days, struggling with a marriage, and young children that I was raising because of a mother in crisis, plus working twelve hour days then hurrying home to take on the job of homemaker again, plus the migraines, it could nearly kill me, but I would look into my little ones eyes, and they looked back at me, with nothing but smiles, and all I felt was pride, for the fact that I was doing something that nobody else in the whole world could do, migraine or not. And it gave me a reason to go on.

    It has at times gotten easier, and at times gotten harder. I deal sometimes with doctors who thing I am a drug seeker, since the only thing that I have found that works for me, as an abortive is a strong narcotic. And we have had doctors who have sworn that they have the best coctail in the world. A week ago, I got benedryl and reglan. Of course, that didn’t work for me, I ended up back two days later and got morphine and phenygren, and my migraine went away, if but for only two days. When you have chronic near daily headaches, two days relief is a godsend. I had tried Med. Marijuana, and had no luck, but just recently I tried it again, only vaping it this time, and have had maybe 30% positive results. It takes away about that much of the not really pain, but the realization that it is there, if you get my meaning. My doctor gives me 15 norco pills per month, so if I tell him that I use the med marijuana, I am sure that he will stop the norco. Which I hate to have happen, since those can really be helpful at times as well. Anyway, this is just a part of my story, I have lots more of it, my entire life, actually, so if you want to hear more, just ask, and I will bore you to tears. Like the time my ex said, I don’t love you, I think I hate you and want a divorce. But If you want to try, we can work on it. Um, thanks, love of my live, who I thought I was going to grow old with, but I can’t make you do that. So I divorced her. She was happier than I had seen her in 11 years. I was miserable. But at the time, I loved her. I found a band looking for a sax player, and spent a few years throwing myself into rock and roll. And no, I stayed celebate, until I met my now wife. The beautiful women out there that were willing, were too willing, if you know what I mean.

    I wrote all this to encourage you that your husband can become the willing partner that can help you through this struggle, or it may be this group. Or you may meet a friend, that you can confide in, even a male, perhaps older, in a platonic way, that may have lost his wife, that can be a good listener, and can help you. But don’t give up on your husband yet. I will pray for you, and I am one of those strange people who not only who do what they say, but also but also believe that it has great power. So just stand back and look for your miracle. Be blessed and be healed. Tim

    Reply Created with Sketch. reply